Corporate Speak Simplifier

I'm currently contracting with a very fine company that is unfortunately mired in the nonsense that is corporate speak. I'm compiling a list as I hear these phrases way too often. Maddening, but there's no way you're ever going to stop it. It's being passed on to the next generation. I'm listening as people fresh out of college toss these phrases about as if they've been let into a secret club with its own code words. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Circle Back: Discuss Later

Touch Base: Contact

Reach Out: Contact

Take Offline: Discuss Privately

Flush Out: (They Mean "Flesh Out," by they always say Flush Out) Build

Download: Inform 

Buy In: Agree or Approval

Tie Off: Approve (New one on me.)

We're Some Serious Bullshitters

  

Cold Call Carl - No. 15

Click for large.

See all the "Cold Call Carl" comics here.

Can You Hear My Eyes Rolling?

I read someone's tweet that said something to the effect of, "I'll try to facetime you at the conference." So I went perusing the old Picasa images and found one buried in the archives from nearly four years ago that I liked and no one else did.

That's Right, - "And Associates." The Return of Ken Fox!

See more Ken Fox wisdom.

Some People Should Stand When They Talk

Until We Meet Again

The traditional meeting business has long suffered due to sites like GoToMeeting. Or due to improvements in tools like Skype. Or tools like the telephone. Still, there are the old-school types who prefer to do business the old-fashioned way: at a hotel - in a conference room - with pitchers of ice water and carafes of bad coffee - with stale danish and cloth napkins - with a projector so you can watch a Powerpoint presentation. Don't forget the always clean rest rooms and the helpful staff. Make sure to wear your best meeting clothes. And book a flight. And get a room. And don't party too much the night before the meeting. While in the meeting, take plenty of notes on a pad of paper, because the printed handout of the Powerpoint presentation is not enough to show you are pretending to be interested. If you raise your hand to ask a question, you just might hear, "Let's discuss this more offline," because meeting in person is somehow "online." But "face time," the proponents of traditional meetings argue, "is important." I agree. That's why Skype has video.

Hyatt, borrowing a concept from Demotivators, placed this ad in today's New York Times, hoping you will hold your next meeting with them. Their tagline is "Great Happens," with the subtag "When People Get Together." It's one of those over-the-top pledges that means nothing and promises everything. It's all explained in vague detail at Hyatt Meetings, with nice pictures of the helpful staff setting the conference room table with pitchers of ice water and cloth napkins.

Cute execution. Nice skewer of the traditional corporate poster, except that it's in promotion of a traditional corporate practice. 

Previously in Motivating The Troops with Buzzwords:
There is no "U" in "Team."

Cold Call Carl - No. 10

Like the flight attendant who does magic tricks or the table-side salad maker who flips his salt and pepper shakers, Cold Call Carl has discovered his gift.

mas grande

Here's the whole "Cold Call Carl" series.

When Gurus Have to Find Work

Lots of people aren't nearly as active on the BS speaking circuit as they once were. How sad that the gravy train jumped the tracks on them. Learn a trade and maybe you can buy your soul back.

Testing, Testing - Sibilance - Testing

Pay me no mind. I am playing with RSS and Twitter. Trying to get right with the community and stop spamming them with shameless plugs for my own stuff.

In an effort to streamline the multiple channels that I offer, I had hoped to maximize the user experience by facilitating a symbiotic relationship, allowing a single input to multiply by three.

Little did I know, the Twitter community finds this spam-like and offensive.

And....Go Dog, Go!

I Don't Disagree. In Fact, I'm Mostly in Agreeance.

Main Entry: agreeance
Part of Speech: n
Definition: the act of agreeing
Example: Usage of the site constitutes agreeance with these terms.
Usage: considered obsolete and a bastardization of 'agreement'

Don't be a bastard.

The Depression is ON!

Disney has historically reported large profits even when everyone around them is failing. So you know times are bad when Disney is offering buyouts to 600 of its executives.

"The parks and resorts division is in the process of implementing a number of initiatives to contain costs and maximize efficiency," Disney parks and resort spokeswoman Leslie Goodman said. "Given the continued uncertainty of the economic environment, we must manage our business even more productively."

That's Disneyspeak for "We aren't going to make as many billions this quarter as we thought we might."

So now I finally understand that mysterious Nostradamus quatrain:

Two days from the Big Hope
three-score hundred leaders shall leave forever the Kingdom
and move back to the Midwest
where their buyout packages will buy nicer homes

Tire Tracks All Across Your Back

Click for bigishness.

Take it to The Next Level...Baby

Previously in Ken Fox, Strategist

Overheard a Few Cubes Down

"We'll need to use the impactful images."

If you use the word "impactful," please stop it now. It is only used by pretentious ad people, usually on the account services side.

I Don't Disagree

Click pic to enlarge.


I Don't Disagree. Translation: "You've got a semi-valid point that I'm about to shoot down."

A Strong and Simple Beat That You Can Dance To

From time to time, I am amused (OK, daily) by the words tossed about in the industry of late. So, I present this:

Wrap your arms around this
And going forward we’ll enhance
As you begin to ramp up
We'll do the ROI dance

We’re delivering on the action items
eating low hanging fruit snacks
We’re monetizing and strategizing
So go on, Push Back

Customize the experiential
And reciprocate the exchange
Network with some CMOs
And keep looking downrange

You gotta get you some core values
Do some due diligence
How about some needs based research?
Or a customer experience?

It’s a value-added impactful thing
If you have to ask, never mind
We’re doing business in a dynamic way
Driving outcomes from time to time

Previously in Business Speak.