Cold Call Carl - No. 15

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At 99¢, There's No Way You Can Lose

Or: 

What Do I Need to Do to Get This Song on Your iPod TODAY?

(Lemme hit you with some heavy sales copy. It's a hard sell, and you're locked in the room until you agree.)

I remember reading a story years ago about the rhythm guitarist for an American band who bought a mansion based off his royalties from a single song-writing credit. It was a good song; a popular song. That's the American dream, isn't it? (Or one of them, anyway. The other one involves working real hard, scraping and clawing your way from mailroom clerk to CEO in 50 years, but I don't have the time or the patience for that route.) And while most musicians today will tell you that you can't possibly make a living from music anymore, I will, with your help, defy those naysayers. I intend to live that dream today, but I probably won't buy a mansion. I'll just get my roof replaced and maybe install a new toilet in the master bath. And I'm going to do it in 99¢ increments. (Actually 60 to 70¢ increments after CDBaby takes their cut.)

What is 99¢ to you? You give 99¢ to the barista at Starbucks because she got your coffee right. You give 99¢ per bag (even though the going rate is $2) to the guy at the airport curb who schlepped your bags the few yards you were too lazy to walk. You give 99¢ to the hotdog vendor outside The Home Depot because you saw the tip jar and felt guilty walking away without adding to it. You give 99¢ to your state's lottery every week. And what do you have to show for any of those 99¢ donations? NOTHING! I give you a song that will last forever in your iPod. I give you Music. I give you Eternity!

The song I'm selling, "Where's My Jetpack?" was described by the first person who bought it, a gentleman from Edmonton, Alberta, as, "An anthem for a generation." He went on to say, "It's been stuck in my head for weeks! I think this is a truly great tune. You really have something here. The world needs to have this song!" (I am not lying, and I do not know this generous, if delusional man, but it was his unexpected encouragement that prompted me to upload the song.) Now, can you afford to be left out on an anthem? I don't want to see that happen to you, and neither do your parents. Or your children. Don't let  them down. As the man said, The World needs to have this song. That giant demographic includes you, my friend. And your parents. And your children. Think of the children.

How many blogs do you read that have their own theme song? Very few, I'm sure. That alone is worth a 99¢ tip! So, I'll tell ya what I'll do! I'll let you have the song after you tip me 99¢!

And it really doesn't matter if you hate the song. What percentage of the music on your iPod do you hate? Maybe 30%? I have songs on my iPod I will NEVER listen to. What's one more? And what do you expect for 99¢ anyway? So what if it's not your favorite genre or style? Expand your palate! Broaden your horizons!

Think of it this way: You're at Dollar Night at your favorite sushi place. You've tried all sorts of exotic pieces and then you say to your companions, "Let's try the sea urchin! It's only $1!" And so you try it and resolve to never, ever eat sea urchin again. You're only out $1 and you learned a valuable lesson about sea urchin. And if you happen to be among the few hundred people worldwide who like sea urchin, is the sushi place going to let you order more of it without paying? That's the difference between me and your sushi place. If you like this song, you get to keep listening to it FOREVER! FOR FREE! This bargain is the biggest no-brainer in the history of earth.

So, what I need you to do right now is make yourself one of the many, many millions who are this very minute going to iTunes to buy the song I'm selling. Once you've done that, and this is KEY - make sure EVERYONE YOU KNOW on Twitter and Facebook buys it, too. And yes, even that gross guy you barely remember from middle school whose friend request you regret accepting because he keeps sending you creepy private messages. Once this chain spans the globe, I expect messages on my Facebook saying, "Dude, I know you don't remember me, but you REALLY NEED TO BUY THIS SONG ON iTUNES."

Not an iTunes user? You can buy it directly from CDBaby.

(And I'd prefer not to hear from the audiophiles about the production quality. Considering I used an old Kay guitar plugged into an aging HP, some drum programming and a Radio Shack headset microphone, I think it passes. Remember, it's only 99¢ you're about to spend. Don't be a sound snob.)

I'd like to tell you that a certain percentage of your 99¢ will go toward some do-gooder program that provides mosquito nets while improving the literacy rate among transgendered baby seals in the rain forest, but it won't. It's all mine after iTunes and CDBaby take their cut. I am counting on you to make me disgustingly rich from a song that doesn't deserve the attention it's about to get. This happens all the time. Bieber, anyone? OK, Bobby McFarrin?

As with most music, it sounds better if you're listening to it loud while drinking an adult beverage. Or perhaps smoking something that might be legal in some states as long as you call it "medicine."

And if you're still too stingy with your measly little dollar, go here and steal the song for free. You punkass pirate bastard.

And then watch the video.

The Presidential Vacation Collection

They say he jets around too much, playing golf and looking unconcerned. I don't really have an opinion on that yet, but I do know the addition of a cricket jacket to any man's wardrobe is a sure ticket to what the English used to call "dashing," provided you actually play cricket and you're not just some fashion-y douche, in which case, wear it with your manpris.

I think I'll try to help J. Peterman move some late summer sale items. These and other bargains now available at the Fall Last Chance Sale.

The Copywriter's Song

It could be a rap, I suppose. Feel free. As for now, it's just words. Posted this before, so if you've seen it, please be patient and allow the new kids time to catch up.

Sell to win – there is no sin
Grab ‘em by the heart – that’s the start
Grab ‘em by the ears - prey on their fears
Get into their soul - get a hold

You’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re nowhere near sexy
You’re old, you’re dying, you’re sick inside
You’re a loser, you’re bald, you’re lacking something real
and you’re just plain stupid if you turn down this deal

Hear that cha-ching? – the register rings
Quota was made – we play in the shade
Palms are greased – space is leased
The clients sing – sales is the thing

You’re dumb, you’re lacking, your husband doesn’t love you
You’re slow, you’re dated, you’re a sad excuse
You’re worthless, uncool, can’t you recognize what’s real?
We thought you were smarter when we offered this deal

Fine print is small – don’t read it all
It says what it must – as if you can’t trust
Would I lie to you? Would I tell you untrue?
If I can get in – give it just the right spin
I sell apples to Eve – and make her believe

that she’s a failure, a victim, she needs her eyes opened
Her man’s a pansy, substandard, and lacking in size
She’s wrinkled, small-breasted, bad lover, mother, wife
until she buys this thing to revolutionize her life

You’re a mark, a pigeon, a sucker, easy target
You’re insecure, unsure and afraid of the truth
You’re a dummy, firm believer, an always-open wallet
You’d sell your body, your soul, or whatever you call it

Cold Call Carl is Back

He's reached the end of his contact list and started over from the top.

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More Cold Call Carl here.

Another Study Confirms What You Already Knew

Turns out junk food is as addictive as cocaine, heroin and nicotine.

(Duh. I've been saying this for over three years. Why do you think they call it "junk" ...man?)

I don't know how they animate to current events so fast, but  watch the new South Park episode where one subplot has Cartman taking over a KFC smuggling operation in Colorado. (There are also some very current Vatican-pedophile jokes strewn throughout.)

Stephen Colbert was all over it a couple nights ago. "In your face, Jamie Oliver!"

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Thought for Food - Corn Diapers, Fatty Foods & Jamie Oliver
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

Meat-Eaters Are People Too

If you don't eat meat, please skip this post, as I know how you vegans and vegetarians get when we primitive people talk about grilling the flesh of animals over open fires, blood dripping onto the coals, creating a sizzling sound that emits a puff of smoke so aromatic as to cause those who smell it to rip their clothes from their bodies and engage in marauding, raping and other expressions of gratitude to the gods of plumped heifers and gorged pigs.

Omaha Steaks. I encountered them for the first time last year, when a brother-in-law sent me some steaks for Christmas, as he knows I like to grill. He was in Iraq at the time, so preparing the steaks was done with some sense of patriotic duty. Coincidentally, I too had sent a similar package of Omaha Steaks to another brother-in-law for Christmas, he being of that age when you just don't know what to get the guy anymore, and you know he likes meat, so you give him dead steer. The steaks I received were beyond excellent, perfectly packaged in dry ice, obviously good and bloody in their plastic vacuum-sealed containers - and when they hit the grill, I watched as birds stopped chirping, cocking their heads toward the sizzling sound. A group of deer paused in their tracks, staring my way with hungry eyes, seriously contemplating abandoning their herbivore nature. Dogs all over the neighborhood stuck their noses high in the air and twitched their ears, whimpering, while squirrels bowed on high branches, telling their little squirrel children to stop, watch and learn. The sky directly overhead was suddenly darkened by clouds of eagles, falcons and hawks, circling in a mad frenzy, screeching in lust.

And the eating that night! Oh, it was grand! All hail the sacrificed beast of burden! Raise a toast in honor of his noble death, which has provided us with a carnal and primitive feast, the memory of which shall live forever! Omaha had delivered a most wonderful steak, and we were well pleased. Our dog, Roman, still recounts that evening to whatever other dog will listen, and the other dog will drool and chase its tail and finally slump to the floor in resignation, realizing that to hear the tale of the Steak from Omaha is nothing at all like eating it. And Roman will slump with the other dog, and say, "It was the emails and phone calls that put a stop to the Steak from Omaha. And they only let me have one tiny bite." He then sighs loudly and closes his eyes.

All it took was one order, sent to a brother-in-law in St. Louis, and Omaha Steaks has since hounded me daily by email and phone, trying to get me to take the next step on the road to becoming a 33rd Degree Omahan. I politely tell the phone solicitors, "No thanks," and hang up before they can say the next line in their script. The emails go to the SPAM folder and get deleted without opening. I finally found the "stop sending me emails" link and unsubscribed. Not that I ever did "subscribe," but an email address was required for online ordering, naturally. Of course then I got an email telling me how sorry they were that I unsubscribed and "Won't you please take one final look at these great offers on juicy meats for the holidays?"

Omaha Steaks, you have a great product. I know where to find you if and when I decide to buy more of your steaks. But the "if" part of that equation grows iffier every day, as you have gone from a place to get good steaks to an annoying and constant presence in my life. That won't win you any friends around here. It might even make you an enemy.

Cold Call Carl - No. 10

Like the flight attendant who does magic tricks or the table-side salad maker who flips his salt and pepper shakers, Cold Call Carl has discovered his gift.

mas grande

Here's the whole "Cold Call Carl" series.

Cold Call Carl - No. 9

You ever get Linked-In updates from former colleagues who were managers but are now out of work? I do, and they often include "social media" in their list of capabilities. I wouldn't trust most of them to pick up my mail when I'm on vacation, much less put the future of my business in their hands.

Make the Comic Bigger

If I've said it before...wait...I guess I have said it before: Here's the whole "Cold Call Carl" series.

Cold Call Carl - No. 8

le big

More Cold Call Carl

Cold Call Carl - No. 7

Our boy is out of work, calling on old acquaintances to help him out, hoping to secure that elusive job that requires he do nothing more than talk a good line of crap.

For the Big

More Cold Call Carl

Long Lincoln Weekend

"What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself."
- A. Lincoln

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Blame The Recession

Cold Call Carl, like most good salespeople, believes that behind every "Don't Ever Call Here Again," there is a potential customer just waiting to be swayed.

Click to share his optimism

More Cold Call Comics.

Cold Call Carl - Rejected Again

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Previously in Cold Call Carl

Your Pre-Election, Halloween-Eve Music Video Break

The election season demands this

(You'll thank me when it's over)

Cringe with me, readers, as everyone's favorite diminutive funkmaster embarrasses himself 1988 style in that now-dead medium they called "the music video." It's still a great song if you close your eyes. And even if you keep them open, Prince is one funny, confident guy, graduating with honors from the Sly Stone-Mick Jagger-Steven Tyler school of showmanship. This guy should be in sales, what with all that confidence and stuff.



(I can't help myself. The funk itch must be scratched.)

The Recession is All in Your Head

Nothing is more unattractive than a nation of whiners. The so-called "housing crisis" is just a bunch of people not thinking positively. You need a house? Think positively! There's something out there for you! Behind on your mortgage? Think positively!

I thought I'd get some practice writing real estate copy, one of the most imaginative forms of sales copy written by some of the most positive, sweet-smelling and well-groomed people in sales.

Her Loss is Your Gain

Why pay rent when you can own?

This charming bungalow close to buses, hospital, and shopping, is an ideal starter home, previously used as a distribution center. Current owner is on a state-paid vacation for a few years and his wife needs to sell this place FAST. Needs a little TLC. We will entertain all offers, including trades.

Virginia Gentleman

Now’s your chance to live the Esquire Lifestyle. Enjoy fine European craftsmanship in a New World setting.

This magnificent home sits majestically on rolling acres in the Virginia countryside. The previous owner had many farmhands and thus extra living quarters were built in the back. (There’s even a king-sized bed in the barn!) You’ll love entertaining in the parlor and the rotunda is a splendid feature as unique today as it was when it was built in the 1700s. This home has been completely remodeled and even has velvet ropes at the doorways to some rooms. Handsome collectible medallion with an image of your home and its original owner is in circulation nationwide.

Fully Functional Shelter

Everything you need to keep the rain off your head and the cold wind out of your bones. It may be just a roof and four walls, but it beats sleeping in your car! No air, no heat, just a fireplace and some windows, one in front and one in back. Fireplace doubles as a kitchen.

Call today for your private showing.

Gated Extravagance and Extras Galore

It’s time to reach for the brass ring.

This beautiful community north of Orlando is ideally suited to families, retirees, singles, and others with a sense for the finer things in life. The attention to uniformity is fantastic, with each home distinctly like the next one. Every lawn is perfect and the streets are free of dangers. You’ll love calling this fine gated-community home. The gates are not that high, though, and in the event of any sort of catastrophe that might involve the lower classes looting shops and mansions for finer things, they’ll be coming for you. You may want to enroll in the community’s gun safety program, available at the Clubhouse.

Donuts and Golf

Our production managers here in CubeWorld™ are always being visited by print reps. I suspect they are print reps because they are always carrying donuts when they enter the department. Then I am positive they are print reps when I hear the conversations they have with our production managers. They are masters of the superficial. They know when a new picture has appeared in a PM’s cubicle and will comment on it. They know that one PM’s wife just delivered a baby and they will talk about staying up all night with a crying infant. They know that another of our guys likes classic rock and the reps will chat him up about The Eagles or The Stones.

Small-talk is expected and a vendor rep has no choice but to engage in it. Those who do it better than others are likely more successful. But why are donuts the universal calling card of vendors? In this obesity-obsessed, saturated fat conscious culture, you'd think the donut's day was done. I've hated donuts since childhood. If I were a vendor’s rep, I’d show up with sushi. Or tickets to the classic rock concert for the guy who's into that.

And why is golf the universal business pastime? Why are deals supposedly made on the golf course? I have never golfed, don't want to golf, can't afford golf and pretty much hate most of the golfers I've ever known. If I were a vendor’s rep, I’d take my clients to the disc golf course.

Cold Call Carl - Selling Twitter Consultation

If there's an app out there, there's a new media agency (or traditional agency looking to make another buck) who will teach you how to maximize it.

click to read, unless you've got like, super-crazy-cartoon vision

Previously in Cold Call Carl:
Niche Industry Magazine Ad Space - Cheap!
But it Really is Rocket Science
Tapping the Huge Revenue Stream

Cold Call Carl - Volume I, No. 3

The only ones reading that new magazine dedicated to your niche industry are people in your niche industry.


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Previously in Cold Call Carl:
But it Really is Rocket Science
Tapping the Huge Revenue Stream

Cold Call Carl - He Keeps on Dialing

It was going to be a one-off, but the man can't be stopped. He's selling social media and Web 2.0.

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