YouTube in 1801

The Recession is All in Your Head

Nothing is more unattractive than a nation of whiners. The so-called "housing crisis" is just a bunch of people not thinking positively. You need a house? Think positively! There's something out there for you! Behind on your mortgage? Think positively!

I thought I'd get some practice writing real estate copy, one of the most imaginative forms of sales copy written by some of the most positive, sweet-smelling and well-groomed people in sales.

Her Loss is Your Gain

Why pay rent when you can own?

This charming bungalow close to buses, hospital, and shopping, is an ideal starter home, previously used as a distribution center. Current owner is on a state-paid vacation for a few years and his wife needs to sell this place FAST. Needs a little TLC. We will entertain all offers, including trades.

Virginia Gentleman

Now’s your chance to live the Esquire Lifestyle. Enjoy fine European craftsmanship in a New World setting.

This magnificent home sits majestically on rolling acres in the Virginia countryside. The previous owner had many farmhands and thus extra living quarters were built in the back. (There’s even a king-sized bed in the barn!) You’ll love entertaining in the parlor and the rotunda is a splendid feature as unique today as it was when it was built in the 1700s. This home has been completely remodeled and even has velvet ropes at the doorways to some rooms. Handsome collectible medallion with an image of your home and its original owner is in circulation nationwide.

Fully Functional Shelter

Everything you need to keep the rain off your head and the cold wind out of your bones. It may be just a roof and four walls, but it beats sleeping in your car! No air, no heat, just a fireplace and some windows, one in front and one in back. Fireplace doubles as a kitchen.

Call today for your private showing.

Gated Extravagance and Extras Galore

It’s time to reach for the brass ring.

This beautiful community north of Orlando is ideally suited to families, retirees, singles, and others with a sense for the finer things in life. The attention to uniformity is fantastic, with each home distinctly like the next one. Every lawn is perfect and the streets are free of dangers. You’ll love calling this fine gated-community home. The gates are not that high, though, and in the event of any sort of catastrophe that might involve the lower classes looting shops and mansions for finer things, they’ll be coming for you. You may want to enroll in the community’s gun safety program, available at the Clubhouse.

Not What They Had in Mind, I'd Bet

Click it and it will grow

Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, John Adams and a few compatriots wait in line at the Florida DMV. Your democracy at work.

Hopefully they'll register to vote as they get their driver's licenses.

And since what you say on the Internet lives forever and can't be taken back, even if you delete the post, I would like to take this opportunity to recant my earlier denunciation of Paul Giamatti's performance in the HBO mini-series, John Adams. He grew into the role and did a great job in the final episodes in which we saw Adams retire to his farm in Massachusetts to live a life of hard work and constant heartbreak.