Subject Line: Fall Into Savings

Yes, they went there. NICE WORK, Grainger.

But the bad copy doesn't stop there...

Rake in! Get it? 
But you're wondering what that free gift might be after you spend $299, aren't you?

I did the research for you. Get ready, 'cause this is a MIND BLOWER...

Aw, yeah!

Oh, and there's this:

1. Offer valid for the intended recipient only and may not be combined with any other promotions or price discounts.

2. Offer applies to online purchases only for orders shipped within the 48 contiguous United States.

3. The qualifying purchase for the Oversized Steak Knife Set is defined as a single order that totals $299 or more (excluding tax and freight) on Grainger.com.

4. Purchases placed on Grainger Repair Parts Order Form, Custom Sign Center, Custom Filter Center, and sourced or special order items do not qualify for this offer.

5. Customers participating in the Grainger for Your eProcurement Solutions program do not qualify for this offer.

6. Limit one promotional item per qualified Customer, per account.

7. Purchases must be received by Grainger (and a Full Rights user must approve the purchase) between 12:01 a.m. CT Oct. 28, 2015 and 11:59 p.m. CT on Nov. 24, 2015.

8. To receive the free gift, you MUST include the promotional code in the Promotion Code Box on the Grainger.com order form.

9. Quantities are limited and are available while supplies last; in the event that supplies are exhausted, Grainger may substitute an item of similar value.

10. The approximate retail value of the Oversized Steak Knife Set is $30.35.

11. The promotional item will be shipped separately from your Grainger.com purchase.

12. Please allow 6-8 weeks after promotion end date for delivery.

13. If entering a trade promotion or acceptance by you of a free gift is a violation of your company’s policies, do not participate in this promotion.

14. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.

15. Government and Healthcare employees are not eligible for free offers. Employees of W.W. Grainger, Inc. and its subsidiaries and affiliates are not eligible for free items.

16. Grainger.com purchases are subject to Grainger’s Terms of Sale.

17. Grainger and Grainger.com are registered trademarks of W.W. Grainger, Inc.

18. For more information regarding any of the trademarks used herein, please go to our Terms of Access, Trademarks Section of our website.

Oh Yeah - Spirit Went There

Alert reader and friend of the blog Lucy sent me this email campaign being run presently by Spirit Airlines, who are always quick with a timely jab.

Have You Eaten of the Tree, Whereof I Commanded You That You Should Not Eat?

If you can keep up with Apple, good for you. I sure can't. Can't afford to. But they are masters at force-feeding their devotees the next big thing. Nevermind that those of us who use it have discovered its many flaws, not the least of which is the partnership with AT&T. Doesn't matter though. It's sleek. It does cool things. It just feels so good in your hand. What will you pay for that feeling? Plenty. And you don't want to be left behind, do you? Like a junkie, you will get one. Can't get enough. And in a year, you will get the next one.

Below is a new email marketing effort from Apple. It's smug and arrogant, like Apple, and basically laughs in your face. The "This changes everything" line is so overused in tech advertising. So is "Again." as a standalone sentence. My take on it after that.

Cold Call Carl - No. 11

Click for the larger and more legible.

Here's the whole "Cold Call Carl" series.

Meat-Eaters Are People Too

If you don't eat meat, please skip this post, as I know how you vegans and vegetarians get when we primitive people talk about grilling the flesh of animals over open fires, blood dripping onto the coals, creating a sizzling sound that emits a puff of smoke so aromatic as to cause those who smell it to rip their clothes from their bodies and engage in marauding, raping and other expressions of gratitude to the gods of plumped heifers and gorged pigs.

Omaha Steaks. I encountered them for the first time last year, when a brother-in-law sent me some steaks for Christmas, as he knows I like to grill. He was in Iraq at the time, so preparing the steaks was done with some sense of patriotic duty. Coincidentally, I too had sent a similar package of Omaha Steaks to another brother-in-law for Christmas, he being of that age when you just don't know what to get the guy anymore, and you know he likes meat, so you give him dead steer. The steaks I received were beyond excellent, perfectly packaged in dry ice, obviously good and bloody in their plastic vacuum-sealed containers - and when they hit the grill, I watched as birds stopped chirping, cocking their heads toward the sizzling sound. A group of deer paused in their tracks, staring my way with hungry eyes, seriously contemplating abandoning their herbivore nature. Dogs all over the neighborhood stuck their noses high in the air and twitched their ears, whimpering, while squirrels bowed on high branches, telling their little squirrel children to stop, watch and learn. The sky directly overhead was suddenly darkened by clouds of eagles, falcons and hawks, circling in a mad frenzy, screeching in lust.

And the eating that night! Oh, it was grand! All hail the sacrificed beast of burden! Raise a toast in honor of his noble death, which has provided us with a carnal and primitive feast, the memory of which shall live forever! Omaha had delivered a most wonderful steak, and we were well pleased. Our dog, Roman, still recounts that evening to whatever other dog will listen, and the other dog will drool and chase its tail and finally slump to the floor in resignation, realizing that to hear the tale of the Steak from Omaha is nothing at all like eating it. And Roman will slump with the other dog, and say, "It was the emails and phone calls that put a stop to the Steak from Omaha. And they only let me have one tiny bite." He then sighs loudly and closes his eyes.

All it took was one order, sent to a brother-in-law in St. Louis, and Omaha Steaks has since hounded me daily by email and phone, trying to get me to take the next step on the road to becoming a 33rd Degree Omahan. I politely tell the phone solicitors, "No thanks," and hang up before they can say the next line in their script. The emails go to the SPAM folder and get deleted without opening. I finally found the "stop sending me emails" link and unsubscribed. Not that I ever did "subscribe," but an email address was required for online ordering, naturally. Of course then I got an email telling me how sorry they were that I unsubscribed and "Won't you please take one final look at these great offers on juicy meats for the holidays?"

Omaha Steaks, you have a great product. I know where to find you if and when I decide to buy more of your steaks. But the "if" part of that equation grows iffier every day, as you have gone from a place to get good steaks to an annoying and constant presence in my life. That won't win you any friends around here. It might even make you an enemy.

Blast Fax From the Past

I Opened Some Spam

The subject line stood out from the others. In my Spam folder were the usual headlines, calling me inadequate in new and interesting ways. "Your device is so little she barely finds it in bed!" laughed one. "A genuine gentleman in bed is all the time ready," offered another, and I found myself nodding thoughtfully along with the crafter of that sentiment. "Enhancing your tool means enlarging your virility in general," said someone from Eastern Europe. "We will not let your masculinity retire so rapidly!" promised another, while someone else offered the approximate war cry, "We will not let your virility die so soon!"

And then, like a Beatles song written on acid, came this subject line: "Formerly garnished with toes so neat."

Genius. What else have you written? I must know.

I opened it to find this verse, in this form:

You are
-We sail away with a pea-green sail
-A sea-green Porpoise carried away

http://www.lalapasabalureticileri.com/zujc.html

--Give him a pipe to smoke all night
-May we build a nest on your lovely Hat?

You are now breathless, as was I, sitting in awe at the feet of the Master Spammer. Note the usage of caps on the final word "Hat." Note the double-dash before the fourth line. The way the verse draws you in with the initial and beckoning "You are."

And these are just the very minor nuanced things that say so much. We could of course spend many years and write countless volumes on the poem itself. Cults could be started around this work. Wars fought, seas crossed, babies made... all in the name of the nameless and forever anonymous writer who said so much for a Canadian online pharmacy.

More Things The Obamas Like

During the campaign, we found out that Barack Obama likes fancy snacks and wussy teas. When he did eat—which was often an uncomfortable sight, not unlike watching an anorexic supermodel being force-fed a bacon cheeseburger—we noted his preferences. We learned of his bicycle, his clothing, his cars and his sunglasses. And sales of those things went up after they were revealed. So now the Obama girls have a new swingset.

In these trying times, a business needs all the exposure it can get, and hitching your wagon to the Obama train has proven successful for many fine merchants. I wouldn't recommend Rainbow Play Systems of South Dakota be super-shameless about the fact that the Obamas chose their company for a swingset, but maybe they could do some Direct Mail/Email Marketing along these lines.

Le Large

Rush Hour Traffic Alert for Central Florida

A long time ago, when Obama was hurting in his bid against Senator Clinton, I made the unwise decision to send his campaign an email suggesting some strategic and tactical moves they might employ. Big mistake. Now I'm on a mailing list that brings me at least three emails a day, all very friendly and personalized and almost always concluding with, "And can we have $5?"

I've yet to send a single dollar and I'm sure I won't, but I remain on the list out of curiosity and as a student of politics and marketing. Last night I got an email from Big BO himself! Barry said, "Hi, Dave! I'm going to be in Orlando tomorrow! Hope you can come out! Event is at 6 pm, but try to get there at 3 pm."

He'll be at the Amway Arena of all places. Ugh. Amway.

RSVP to Barry: Uh, sorry. Can't make it. Something suddenly came up*. I'll be avoiding that crazy mad throng of worshipers, all throwing their babies on your altar in some sort of orgiastic satanic-socialist cult-of-personality ritual while you and your frothing band of America haters and welfare recipients try to besmirch the good name and solid reputation of Her Holiness, Sister Sarah of Alaska (and her running mate, that old guy she will replace as soon as he breathes his last come January). And I'm not interested in a "management opportunity" in your "new business" either, you multilevel marketing community organizer.

As a public service, I've created this traffic map for my fellow citizens, effective from now (2:45 pm) until tomorrow morning at 5:30 am.

• Red: Pack your dinner and plenty of water. Hope you have a Pringles can to pee in or you're wearing Space Diapers. You'll be stuck in this mess for hours to come. Resistance is futile. Might as well just accept his rule, since he rules your next 12 hours anyway.
  
• Orange: Have you ever seen so many Obama bumper stickers on one commute? To avoid confrontation, McCain supporters are urged to keep their eyes on the road and both hands on the wheel. Do not make eye contact with The Obama People.
  
• Yellow: As you curse the socialist mob and their antichrist messiah for ruining your evening, tune in to Sean Hannity for cathartic release. Violence is not an option and you will only end up in jail. Then again, if you're a true patriot in the Hannity tradition...well, I think Sean would understand if you were forced to show your love for your country by vandalizing Obama cars and screaming wildly at the occupants.

* Friends of Maureen know what I mean.

You Have Left Your Mind

Familiar with the Left Behind series? It's a collection of pseudo-scripture written by a pair of charlatans loosely based on the last book of the Christian bible (and a word or two from Paul's letters). Those two goblins are astoundingly rich now that their books have been devoured by so many people too busy to read their bibles or talk with their God.

The premise of these books is this: All the Jesus people are taken away in The Rapture and the rest of the earthlings are left behind on the planet to suffer horrible things. Do you want to escape the horrible things? Then get yourself right with God and do it quickly. Because scaring people into loving God and doing Right (wing) is very effective. It is also a huge money-maker.

Problem with The Rapture theory is that it is pure and utter fiction created in the mid-1800s by an Irishman named John Darby. It was very easy to sell to Americans, because even then Americans were much as they are today; easy to swindle, afraid of hard times, mostly unacquainted with large-scale suffering and looking for the easy way out.

If you are a Christian and you're disagreeing with me on this, let me ask you this: Did Jesus say he was returning? OK, then how many times will he return? First time in secret, second time in the clouds for all to see? Also, I know you like to justify and support your escapism theology with passages like, "God has not appointed us unto wrath." (I love it when you speak in the King James. It makes you sound so Holy.) So maybe you can quote that phrase to the persecuted churches in Afghanistan, Egypt, Libya, Somalia, Algeria, Eritrea, Malaysia, Sri Lanka, Azerbaijan, Ethiopia, Maldives, Sudan, Bangladesh, Gaza and the West Bank, Philippines, Syria, Belarus, India, Mauritania, Tajikistan, Bhutan, Indonesia, Morocco, Tibet, Brunei, Iran, Nepal, Tunisia, Myanmar, Iraq, Nigeria, Turkey, Jordan, North Korea, Turkmenistan, China, Kuwait, Oman, United Arab Emirates, Colombia, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Comoros, Laos, Qatar, Vietnam, Cuba, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia and Yemen. You've got it pretty good here and know nothing of "wrath."

Why am I wasting my energy? Go to Wal-Mart and get the latest book in your series. Maybe you can pay for Tim LaHaye's next facelift.

ANYWAY, (I get worked up on this subject) some total tools have set up a website that will send out email alerts to those who get Left Behind! How cool! So after the world's Christians suddenly vanish, everyone can get emails saying, "You've been Left Behind! We are in Heaven and you are going to suffer some horrible shit! There's still hope! Forward this email to ten friends and throw some salt over your shoulder while spinning around in a circle thrice. Then, don't eat for 10 days and abstain from sex and maybe God will let you come join us after you get raped, tortured and killed by the Antichrist and his Army of Satan Worshipers. Bye! Love ya! Peace! :)" Spam from Heaven. And this service will only cost you $40 a year. I don't know who's behind this website, but they need to...not gonna say it.

I wish I had hacking skills.

You're Slowing Me Down, Kid

Little Stevie here was going to get Dad a tie for Father's Day, but Trek talked him into a bike. The Madone line from Trek starts at around $2,000 and can set you back as much as $5,500.

Image from an email campaign Trek is currently running.

My own Dad forwarded this to me, as he is on their mailing list. Not happening, Dad.

The Boss Wants to Meet About Your Amazing Tool

We shouldn't look down on spammers. We can learn from them. They are really nothing less than marketers trying new ways to get you to act. And they try so hard.

The taunting email subject lines suggesting that my "schlong" "tool" or "P3n1s" should be 3 feet in length haven't been successful in getting me to open the emails. So now the spammers have a new tack.

There's a meeting with the boss! And of course Jimi's birthday is coming up.

Here are today's spams with that theme.

When Nonsense Becomes Creative

The spammers learned very quickly that to be upfront in their subject lines was going to send their direct mail pieces straight to the spam folder. Then they developed tricky ways to spell, like "V!@gra." That practice eventually caught up with them, so now they just make shit up. Crazy unpronounceable words that make no sense.

Here's a little game. Of these nonsensical subject lines, I will randomly pick one. What are the odds that the email will address my manhood?

I'm going to pick the 4th email, titled "zereiruj". It's got a nice ring to it. It's a pretty word that might mean "postcard skies" in some exotic language.

Envelope please.

(drum roll)










Damn! Didn't see that coming.

Winner: Best SPAM Subject Line

"Motorcade Contemptuous"

It was a stock tip, of course; the new variety with the jumbled word jpeg attached over body copy of random nonsense. Sample sentence: "When assembled together with your ball head, you will have a plethora of knobs in front of you."

Email Marketing by Any Other Name...

A weekend's worth of unwanted advertisements. At least their filters recognize it and make deletion easier.

My 900th Last Chance

They are a persistent lot over there at Online Media Daily. I think I may just renew now so that I can stop getting "Last Chance!" notifications EVERY SINGLE DAY.