The Gambler

Direct Mail Dogs

It's orange, so it looks like the utility company sent it. It's stark, like a utility company would do, but they would probably say "Water Alert" if this emergency-looking card was from them. They would also use their logo. And they would not send it by bulk mail. They'd hang it on your door. But when Grandma gets this, she goes, "Oh noooo! Did I forget to pay the water bill?" Grandma probably won't look that number up online and find the word "suspicious" in a lot of the search results. She'll probably call it, and hear a recorded message announce very firmly (and within the guidelines of the law established to protect consumers from ravenous wolves like ourselves) that if you received a card that says, "Water Update!" please be informed that we are not associated with any city, county or government water agency and that we are a water purification company.

And so you call it again, hoping to hear the name of the company that the hosebag bastard announcer ever-so-cleverly slurs at the beginning of the message. (Thank you for calling "Jaws of Orlando," it sounds like. Might've been "Pureov of Orlando.") Dick Jaws wants Granny to leave her name and address and he will rush a brochure out to her, which will be followed by, what next? Is it time for the rep to come out and do the demo, show Granny how she's gonna die from all the filth and scum that she ingests everyday through the tap? How her untreated water is eating her skin alive, like so much acid and wind and sand? Just for listening to the spiel, I'm sure there's a lovely gift incentive for her. But only if Granny is so off her rocker that she called them after receiving their brochure, which was probably full of scary headlines and ugly, germy pictures, appealing to her hypochondria. But I think by this time even ol' Gramma knows what's up with these rascals. She believes in honest dealin', and these fellas, well, they sorta tried to trick her.

That is a whole lot of hoops you're expecting really ignorant people to jump through there, asshole water purifier people. But as an old, foolish ad man once told me, "Unethical is not illegal."

The Dead Art of Letter Writing

Nevermind that the last useful thing you received in the mail was...what? I don't even know. Fed-Ex and UPS have the package delivery industry covered. Letters from grandma? Even grandma has an AOL account. Bills? Paperless, thank you. Banking online.

But news that the perpetually mismanaged USPS is closing 1,000 offices nationwide after posting another record loss (even after raising the price of postage) will not stem the tide of junk mail. The postman will always have a job. And so will you, direct mail artists and writers.

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Two Traffic School Direct Mails - Which To Choose?

Click for jumbo, scroll-around size.

I have to hand it to both of these businesses, they are on their game. A couple of weeks ago I was ticketed on I-4 for exceeding the speed limit (and another $96 violation I won't go into, lest I draw the ire and scorn of a certain portion of the audience). Not long after that, these two pieces of direct mail arrive on the same day. Smart marketers, grabbing the "who got ticketed today" lists from the various law enforcement agencies and promptly hitting up the bad drivers for business.

Same "Approved by the State of Florida" notifications, and even the same cost. It now comes down to choosing a traffic school based on design, copy points and the ability to "grab" the audience. Direct mail is tough. Some people love creating it, but I personally hate it as I am always at odds with the AE or client, who want it louder and nastier than should be lawful.

I'm probably going with the lady on the laptop and not the greasy-haired smiley boy.

More Things The Obamas Like

During the campaign, we found out that Barack Obama likes fancy snacks and wussy teas. When he did eat—which was often an uncomfortable sight, not unlike watching an anorexic supermodel being force-fed a bacon cheeseburger—we noted his preferences. We learned of his bicycle, his clothing, his cars and his sunglasses. And sales of those things went up after they were revealed. So now the Obama girls have a new swingset.

In these trying times, a business needs all the exposure it can get, and hitching your wagon to the Obama train has proven successful for many fine merchants. I wouldn't recommend Rainbow Play Systems of South Dakota be super-shameless about the fact that the Obamas chose their company for a swingset, but maybe they could do some Direct Mail/Email Marketing along these lines.

Le Large

Direct Mail I Failed to Throw Away

I got this in the mail during the election season, when the unrepentant Karl Rove blow-up doll Sean Hannity was hyping it as a tool against Obama. I just uncovered it under a pile of papers. Now seems like a good time to watch it.

Lemme Hold a Dollar

Steve Morris, President of Arbitron Ratings, gambles that I'll be more likely to participate in his company's radio survey if he sends me a crisp dollar bill in the mail. This will probably not happen. What I will do, Steve, is learn from your gambling example and spend this dollar on the Florida Lottery. If I win, I will buy a radio station.


Previously in "Dollars Thrown Away in the Mail":
Guilt as Motivator

Nice Timing, WaMu

For the record, I was a fan of Washington Mutual's current now-dead campaign, "WooHoo!" particularly the radio stuff.

Received tonight in the mail, an invitation to secure a credit line with a bank that is now defunct.

Locals Only: Goin' Tuscan

Part XI in a series on very local advertising

Again, as every week, the free pink ad thingy lands in the driveway. Here's a cover ad, half page, where the company's name is "Tuscany," because as we all know, if you lay down a Tuscan Tile in your home, you will be enjoy A Sunny Afternoon Feast spread out on a Big Oak Table Outdoors with a Rolling Hills Countryside Background while a Gentle Breeze Blows through a Renaissance Romance.

And who wouldn't want that in their home? Even if the tiles are mined from a quarry in Africa.

Previously in Locals Only
Previously in The Tuscan Trend^TM

Locals Only - Palm Tree Clip Art

Part X in a Series on very local advertising

The weekly neighborhood flyer (or is that flier?) that lands on the driveway. One week it's yellow, the next green, sometimes pink. Always bagged against the weather, and usually only leafed through when I need a plumber or something to blog about.

Just as businesses in Florida love to call themselves "Gator," they also like to use palm trees in their "logos."

If I ever need a landscaper, I will know to look for the palm tree clip art. In this week's issue, no less than six variations of palm tree are used in landscaper ads, and one for a spa.


Previously in Locals Only

Locals Only: Marketers Throwing Stones

Part IX in a series of reviews of very local advertising

It doesn't really fall into the category of "direct mail" since it arrives in the driveway, but I get these little offers once in a while. It's not a bad practice, really. A landscaper tosses a handful of decorative landscaping rocks in a Ziploc^® bag along with a cheap flyer made in Word^® (oh yeah! Algerian font!) and offers to help me make my yard look better.

From a delivery perspective, it's simple. Heavy bag, protected from the weather, flies pretty straight when tossed from a moving vehicle.

Can't cost too much, either.

The only problem I have with this is that the person tossing the bags of rocks likely drove past my house and said, "Oh, definitely! This dude needs major help. Toss one here." So I feel insulted and now more motivated to do it myself. I noted that my neighbor with the perfect yard didn't get one of these.

Previously in Locals Only

The Boss Wants to Meet About Your Amazing Tool

We shouldn't look down on spammers. We can learn from them. They are really nothing less than marketers trying new ways to get you to act. And they try so hard.

The taunting email subject lines suggesting that my "schlong" "tool" or "P3n1s" should be 3 feet in length haven't been successful in getting me to open the emails. So now the spammers have a new tack.

There's a meeting with the boss! And of course Jimi's birthday is coming up.

Here are today's spams with that theme.

When Nonsense Becomes Creative

The spammers learned very quickly that to be upfront in their subject lines was going to send their direct mail pieces straight to the spam folder. Then they developed tricky ways to spell, like "V!@gra." That practice eventually caught up with them, so now they just make shit up. Crazy unpronounceable words that make no sense.

Here's a little game. Of these nonsensical subject lines, I will randomly pick one. What are the odds that the email will address my manhood?

I'm going to pick the 4th email, titled "zereiruj". It's got a nice ring to it. It's a pretty word that might mean "postcard skies" in some exotic language.

Envelope please.

(drum roll)










Damn! Didn't see that coming.

Don't Call it Junk Mail

But ask yourself this: do you respond to it when it arrives at your house or inbox?

It's DMA time in Chicago. Keynote speaker is John Adams, Chairman and CEO of the Martin Agency.

So, it's about time for another edition of "Where's My Jetpack?" the clipart comic that's only funny once in a while.








Here's the whole series thus far.

Guilt as Motivator

All the way from Van Nuys, California comes this that I just got in the mail. (or "post" as our Brit friends say. Cheers!) It's a plea to fill out a survey, with the promise that they won't sell my info or try to sell me anything.

Direct Mail or Direct Response is one of the toughest sells in marketing, so these guys included a crisp $1 bill to entice me to fill out their 45 question survey all about household income, ethnicity, square footage of home, what kind of garage I'd rather have, etc. I can tell by the questions that there is either a lending institution, mortage company or home builder behind this survey. Maybe an association of all three.

Now I'm faced with, "Wow - they paid me already. I'll feel bad if I don't fill this out."

Dollar in wallet. Survey in trash. Thank you.