Locals Only: Let the Air Duct Cleaner Wars Begin!

It's Springtime! And that means quite a lot to the free magazine publishers who fill their pages with atrocious ads designed in-house by landscapers, pool cleaners, driveway resurfacers and these guys, the people who clean your air ducts so you don't die from allergens in your home's atmosphere. The following three ads were only pages apart from one another in the same issue of some sad rag that I only bothered to skim through to find bloggable material.

Companies A and B, below, both opted for the "Don't Let Your Little Girl Suffer" route, with toddlers in misery because their Mommys and Daddys don't care about them. The first attempts to do the "green" thing, adding the recycle symbol to the upper left. For what purpose is anyone's guess. I think they lose points for not explaining that, throwing it in as a stupid hook that might fool someone. Price point difference is only $1, so it's your call as to which little girl makes you feel the guiltiest. (Click images for larger.)

But Company C, below, is the winner for me. Not only is their price $3 less than the cheapest one above, but they are also "Organic"! Needless to say, their choice of imagery is far superior, going the "Nuclear Fallout at a Post-Apocalyptic Family Dinner" route.

Locals Only: Thou Shalt Not Steal

Here's a fine local CPA, with testimonials from satisfied clients attesting to his skill with numbers and things like that. Larry and his wife seem like nice folks, and to show you how nice, they will include a little bible quote at the bottom of their full-page ad along with a cross image. But this is not any cross image, it's the very recognizable "cross and flame" logo of the United Methodist Church, and the denomination has some very strict guidelines regarding the appropriation of their logo, none of which it appears Larry has followed.

But Larry is seeking that coveted demo: people who will only drink milk from a Christian cow, and he means no harm, I'm sure. He's just not good at legal stuff.

He's waiting for the cease and desist, I suppose. Easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. 
 

Locals Only: The Space That Eats Pizzerias

Just a short bike ride up the hill from Casa de Jetpacks, across the street from the Baptist church that flashes damning messages on its marquee to the local heathens, is a small cluster of shops that includes a grocery store, a dog groomer, a dance studio, a pharmacy, a Subway, a pool supply store, a liquor store, a Wendy's, a veterinarian, a convenience store and a hair salon. There is also a space apparently reserved just for pizzerias. In the six years I have lived in the area, it has been Anthony's, Antonio's, Alberto's and Victorio's. Each of these incarnations billed themselves as a "Ristorante/Pizzeria" with some sort of claim to "New York Style." I suspect the names were made up, since Alberto's was owned by a Serbian who employed Czech and Ukrainian waitresses and a Bolivian chef, but they played the Italian stereotype thing well. For many months in any given year, the space stands empty, daring the next entrepreneur to make a go of it. Christopher has accepted the challenge.

Like some modern day Arthur, Christopher is hoping to extract the fabled profit from this hard rock of a location where many other brave restaurateurs have failed. He is convinced that he alone is the One True King of Pizza who will rise above the countless "New York Style" pizzerias that pepper every strip mall in Florida. I really hope Chris makes it work. We tried his offerings last night and it was the exact same food the previous pizza pretenders created, the usual fare associated with such places; veal Marsala, eggplant Parmesan, fried calamari, pizza and pasta. They delivered. It was good.

While he has apparently simply made copies of the previous restaurants' menus, there is one thing Chris is doing differently that should work in his favor. I stopped in on the way home from work to grab a menu, and to my surprise there were no Chianti bottles on the tables with dripping candles stuck in them. I didn't see any "We Will Never Forget" 9/11 posters. There were none of those poorly painted Tuscan landscapes or faux brick windows adorned in painted vines and grapes. I didn't hear Frank "The Wank" Sinatra in the overhead music. No pictures of Stallone, Dean Martin, Pacino or De Niro. No Sopranos, no Godfather and no old Empire State license plates hanging on the walls.

Good luck, Christopher, if that's your real name.

Previously in Locals Only.

Will The Next 1.9 Million Visitors Each Please Give Me a Dollar?

I'd appreciate it. Thank you in advance for your contribution.

More of that house is here.

Locals Only: Goin' Tuscan

Part XI in a series on very local advertising

Again, as every week, the free pink ad thingy lands in the driveway. Here's a cover ad, half page, where the company's name is "Tuscany," because as we all know, if you lay down a Tuscan Tile in your home, you will be enjoy A Sunny Afternoon Feast spread out on a Big Oak Table Outdoors with a Rolling Hills Countryside Background while a Gentle Breeze Blows through a Renaissance Romance.

And who wouldn't want that in their home? Even if the tiles are mined from a quarry in Africa.

Previously in Locals Only
Previously in The Tuscan Trend^TM

Locals Only - Palm Tree Clip Art

Part X in a Series on very local advertising

The weekly neighborhood flyer (or is that flier?) that lands on the driveway. One week it's yellow, the next green, sometimes pink. Always bagged against the weather, and usually only leafed through when I need a plumber or something to blog about.

Just as businesses in Florida love to call themselves "Gator," they also like to use palm trees in their "logos."

If I ever need a landscaper, I will know to look for the palm tree clip art. In this week's issue, no less than six variations of palm tree are used in landscaper ads, and one for a spa.


Previously in Locals Only

Locals Only: Marketers Throwing Stones

Part IX in a series of reviews of very local advertising

It doesn't really fall into the category of "direct mail" since it arrives in the driveway, but I get these little offers once in a while. It's not a bad practice, really. A landscaper tosses a handful of decorative landscaping rocks in a Ziploc^® bag along with a cheap flyer made in Word^® (oh yeah! Algerian font!) and offers to help me make my yard look better.

From a delivery perspective, it's simple. Heavy bag, protected from the weather, flies pretty straight when tossed from a moving vehicle.

Can't cost too much, either.

The only problem I have with this is that the person tossing the bags of rocks likely drove past my house and said, "Oh, definitely! This dude needs major help. Toss one here." So I feel insulted and now more motivated to do it myself. I noted that my neighbor with the perfect yard didn't get one of these.

Previously in Locals Only

Locals Only - Round Up The Dentists

Part VIII in a series of reviews of very local advertising.













It's time to put a stop to dentists using the Cowboy Molar as a mascot. It wasn't effective/funny/cute in 1985, and it's ten times less so now.

Previously in Locals Only

Locals Only Part VII

I'm sure in Texas you can find a bunch of businesses named Lone Star. Down here, people tend to call things "Gator," and then draw cartoonish gators for mascots.

Gators are not cute. They're giant killer lizards with sharp teeth. Here's a refrigerator magnet. I called the number once, fearing for my dog's life in the backyard, as we have a seven-footer that likes to menacingly cruise the canal behind the house in the warmer months. The nuisance gator investigators called back about two weeks later, asked some questions and pretty much stated that unless the thing is outright taunting you and nesting on your back porch, there's nothing to be done. Late last summer I found a bunch (swarm? flock? gaggle? pod? herd? colony?) of baby gators in the reeds where our yard ends and the canal begins. Even gator babies aren't cute. They stare at you like they're looking for a fight.

Here are some locals who think gators are cute. Or maybe they're just football fans.


Previously in Locals Only

Locals Only - Salesmen: Take Heed

Part VI in a series of reviews of very local advertising.

In the wrong hands, Photoshop is a very dangerous tool. Outer glows, drop shadows - I don't know where to start on this ad, which was the inside cover of one of those glossy locals that come in the mail for free, even though it says $3.95 on the cover. It's filled with fake features and advertorial profiles of local dentists and other assorted businesses. I know some people can't afford an ad agency or design firm, but if this business can afford the inside cover, maybe next time the salesman responsible for this atrocity can pay a local high school student $100 to design an ad.




















Locals Only Part V
Locals Only Part IV
Locals Only Part III
Local Only Part II
Locals Only Part I

Locals Only - The Fish Market

Part V in a series of reviews of very local advertising.

Christians have their own books, bookstores, radio stations, music, TV stations, programs, movies, magazines, theme parks, yellow pages - and now their own electrical contractor. You've seen these ads before. The fish symbol is code to other Christians that this is a reputable contractor who will wire your home or business the way Jesus would.













It's a cheap ploy - and it likely alienates more people than it attracts. This very well might be what "Do not take the Lord's name in vain" was really addressing.

So you need a new car? Let your fingers take a walk
through the business guide for the born-again flock
You'll be keeping all your money in the Kingdom now
And you'll only drink milk from a Christian cow

Locals Only Part IV
Locals Only Part III
Local Only Part II
Locals Only Part I