Word of Bumper

As far as I'm concerned, barbecue is barbecue. You can argue about Memphis, Kansas City, Chicago and any other city that lays claim to barbecue expertise, but I'll eat any of it and like most of it. I have no ties to any of the great barbecue cities nor is my palate sophisticated enough to judge one over the other.

Lately I've been seeing this bumper sticker all over town. It's for a place that opened just over two years ago and only has three locations. I've not seen or heard a commercial for 4 Rivers Smokehouse, no banner ads, no print media or outdoor boards. I just keep seeing these bumper stickers. I don't follow them on Twitter nor they me. I'm not a fan of theirs on Facebook. (1,042 followers and 8,642 fans. Impressive numbers, really.) Apparently they've been reviewed positively plenty of times.

People think enough of this place to ruin the paint jobs on their cars. I have also heard a few people expressing a desire to try 4 Rivers, saying they've heard it's excellent.

That is some seriously effective, low budget advertising, especially in the hard-to-stay-alive-let-alone-compete restaurant category.

Taco Bell Brainstorm

Saw a spot for Taco Bell recently. Everyone in the room agreed that the commercial was very anti-appetizing. Maybe you just need to be stoned and hungry to appreciate Taco Bell spots. Whatever they're doing, they're doing it wrong. All of the Yum! brands seem to just plain suck. Maybe they are just the eternal second-place also-rans. Pizza Hut, KFC, Long John Silver's, Taco Bell. Maybe it's the association with perennial second-place also-ran Pepsi, I don't know. But here's how they come up with their commercials, I'm pretty sure.



D'oh! They left out "slimy cheese in slow motion."

Locals Only: The Space That Eats Pizzerias

Just a short bike ride up the hill from Casa de Jetpacks, across the street from the Baptist church that flashes damning messages on its marquee to the local heathens, is a small cluster of shops that includes a grocery store, a dog groomer, a dance studio, a pharmacy, a Subway, a pool supply store, a liquor store, a Wendy's, a veterinarian, a convenience store and a hair salon. There is also a space apparently reserved just for pizzerias. In the six years I have lived in the area, it has been Anthony's, Antonio's, Alberto's and Victorio's. Each of these incarnations billed themselves as a "Ristorante/Pizzeria" with some sort of claim to "New York Style." I suspect the names were made up, since Alberto's was owned by a Serbian who employed Czech and Ukrainian waitresses and a Bolivian chef, but they played the Italian stereotype thing well. For many months in any given year, the space stands empty, daring the next entrepreneur to make a go of it. Christopher has accepted the challenge.

Like some modern day Arthur, Christopher is hoping to extract the fabled profit from this hard rock of a location where many other brave restaurateurs have failed. He is convinced that he alone is the One True King of Pizza who will rise above the countless "New York Style" pizzerias that pepper every strip mall in Florida. I really hope Chris makes it work. We tried his offerings last night and it was the exact same food the previous pizza pretenders created, the usual fare associated with such places; veal Marsala, eggplant Parmesan, fried calamari, pizza and pasta. They delivered. It was good.

While he has apparently simply made copies of the previous restaurants' menus, there is one thing Chris is doing differently that should work in his favor. I stopped in on the way home from work to grab a menu, and to my surprise there were no Chianti bottles on the tables with dripping candles stuck in them. I didn't see any "We Will Never Forget" 9/11 posters. There were none of those poorly painted Tuscan landscapes or faux brick windows adorned in painted vines and grapes. I didn't hear Frank "The Wank" Sinatra in the overhead music. No pictures of Stallone, Dean Martin, Pacino or De Niro. No Sopranos, no Godfather and no old Empire State license plates hanging on the walls.

Good luck, Christopher, if that's your real name.

Previously in Locals Only.

The Bluegrass State Grilled Chicken Treated Humanely

If only we could see the future. Poor KFC.

Clickin' for Finger Lickin'

Across From Super Wal-Mart

We're on a restaurant theme here today at Where's My Jetpack.

Having spent a couple years at a mid-sized market network affiliate making local commercials for clients with no money, I can sympathize with the creators of sushi restaurant spots.

This one for a sushi bar in D'Ibervile, Mississippi covers all the bases.

• Stereotypical "Japanese" music bed? Check.
• Too much copy? Check.
• Cliché-ridden copy? No problem.
  
• Slow pans of restaurant by a guy who is really a news photog? Yep.
• Unappetizing food shots? Got it.
• Rushed voiceover by unprofessional voiceover talent? Done.
• End with view of exterior in a strip mall + phone number? But of course!
• Bonus: Easy locator landmark.
  

Where is This Place They Call Baja?

It's not too smart to make apologies for your product right off the bat. Like the regional grocery chain that says, "We're getting better all the time!" You might as well say, "We don't suck as much as we used to!"

Here comes Long John Silver's, acting as though fish tacos are a strange, new thing, even going so far as to say "Sounds Weird!" in a tag for the taco.



What sounds weird is your approach, Long John Silver's. Fish tacos have been staples in coastal towns for decades, but I'll cut you some slack and allow that maybe you thought your audience in middle America would say, "Gawl-Dang! Fish in a taco? What the hell?" but that also presumes that your audience in middle America has never turned on a TV, read a magazine or jumped online. I can find fish tacos in Omaha right now with a simple search, so maybe they're not as "weird" as you presume in your stupid campaign. They even titled the spot, "Dare," and "dared" a dumb city-boy to try this daring thing called a fish taco. "Sounds Weird!" Gahhhh! STOP IT!

Just put them on the menu and stop apologizing. Present yourself as the place to get the tastiest fucking fish tacos this side of Rosarito Beach. Do a little surf culture commercial with hot chicks in bikinis eating fish tacos with the sauce dripping out. Your new tag: "Tacos Way Better" or some such slam at Taco Bell.

Your Customers Wear Snuggies

Jack in the Box mocks the McDonald's crowd in this depiction of a couple of seniors awaiting the Death Panel as they describe their beloved Filet-o-Fish as "very dependable" and "soft." Nice job on the part of JIB to portray the fast-food giant as staid and boring. You're never going to beat McD's in sales, so why not just take a baseball bat to their creaky old knees and hit them where they're vulnerable?



McDonald's is just as guilty of this type of attack ad. The current radio campaign for their iced coffee directly mocks the Starbucks crowd as a bunch of trendy faux-Bohemians in need of an intervention to wake them from their cult-like devotion.

"Fried" is a Four Letter Word

Cringe with me, won't you, by visiting KFC.com. Close your eyes in shame and hang your head as you watch the white lady dance with drumsticks.

The "F" in KFC stands for "fried," as you might guess from the image below.



Now KFC wants you to "unthink" what you know about KFC.

Bad start.

Years ago, Kentucky Fried Chicken decided they needed to shed the whole "fried" image and start calling themselves "KFC." I remember an old Dennis Miller bit from that time in which he said, "It's chicken. Let's not try to hip it up too much, OK?"

And yet here they are, still using the word "fried" prominently on their current website, signs and advertising. Why not just call yourselves "Kentucky Heart Attack Chicken" or "Kentucky Clogged Arteries Chicken?"

Now they want us to think of them as "grilled," even though they still call themselves "fried."

Confused much, KFC?

You need to decide what the hell you want to be and be it. And don't ask me to "unthink" when you're clearly the ones who need to start thinking.

How about dropping the adjective altogether and just be "Kentucky Chicken?" Or how about just "The Colonel's?" A massive, chain-wide rebranding will be expensive and difficult, but it beats this schizo image you're presenting.

Sure, "fried" is a dirty word nowadays, and KFC understandably needs to move away from it. But pull the plug already. Anytime you tell your customers to "stop thinking about us this way!" you are digging a hole. And as you ask them to stop thinking of you that way while still calling yourself that, you're just being stupid. I'm sure the agency knows this, but I'm also sure they're up against a bureaucratic corporation that can't quite "unthink" their old image.

Officially Over: The "Bailout" Sales Gimmick

Everyone's doing it - and it's done. Here's a new promotion from Florida-based Ker's Wing House.


Please. Stop it. This is not smart or funny or even topical anymore. Bailout. What? What do you mean? Are you bailing me out of the high cost of dining out? OK, I'll grant that's a pretty cheap bunch of shrimp, but a bailout it is not. And as long as I'm dragging your ideas through the dirt, can I pick on your middle school art direction? I'm not an Art Director, but I play one at work - which always pisses off the real Art Directors - but an American flag? Really? Nice bevel on the restaurant name. I guess you were going for the "retro 1996" look? Oh, cool use of a yellow starburst/seal. Overall grade: D+.

For those not in Florida and Texas, Ker's Wing House (usually just called Wing House) is a cheap knock-off of Hooter's, where the food is the secondary attraction. (Read the story of Ker's here - originally called "Knockers." Wow.)

Wing House is all about service, and that service comes in the form of young women who touch the arms of men and say, "Can I get you another beer, hon?" or "How we doin' on the those wings, babe?" as she grazes a customer's shoulder with freakishly enhanced flotation devices that protrude from her tank-top. Then, the lonely boys at the table get a little buzzed and start to imagine that the Wing House girl really likes them, prompting them to leave a ridiculously over-proportioned tip and ask for her phone number. She smiles a very practiced, shy smile and says something about how her boyfriend wouldn't like that, to which the drunkest of the boys responds that he could please her way better than her boyfriend. Then the manager comes over and tells them to leave. He has many tattoos and a beer belly, so the boys wisely heed his advice. But they'll be back. And they'll ask to be seated in her section.

Fast Food Fighting Back

I'm thinking maybe this should run in a parenting magazine or perhaps one for expectant mothers.

get the big, juicy, jumbo size

Jack in the Box - Reachin' the Stoner Demo

Jack in the Box, the box you can put yer weed in...man.

Another in their ongoing attempt to reach the late-night, really hungry for some tacos, man, crowd.



I suppose it's an audience worth targeting: I'm sure there are plenty of kids in college with little money to spend on food once they've spent their money on pot.

Seeking Pizza Blogger

Actual job listing on Craigslist:

Needed: a part-time blogger to help set up and run a blog. Flexible hours and working environment. Must have blogging experience and also must have prior or current working experience in a pizza restaurant.

Over the weekend, we went to a new restaurant in the neighborhood. A jazz trio played indoors, the wait staff dressed all in black while a couple of ladies lingered over a glass of wine on the patio for an hour, their Golden Retriever at their feet. From the name of the place, to the atmosphere to the overuse of the word "artisan," this restaurant was trying way too hard. Their interactive agency, who boast knowing all about "Web 2.0," also talked them into a bunch of blogs, none of which have been updated in a few months.

It ain't working, people. Blogging for your business because someone told you to, with a careful eye toward not offending anyone while promoting your business is not effective, a waste of time and soon abandoned.

Dyslexic Seafood Dining Options

Let's eat at that place that has the fish skeleton in the logo!

Denny's: It's Not Just For Drunk College Kids Anymore

Denny's wants to remind people that this is what breakfast is supposed to look like. It's not a muffin from Starbuck's. It's not a pair of greasy taquitos from 7-11. It's not a jelly-filled donut from Dunkin'. It's not a Pop-Tart, good as Pop-Tarts are. It's not last night's pizza, renamed "Italian Cheese Toast" so that you feel better about being a loser.

And Denny's wants to remind you that breakfast is a meal, the kind you sit down for, with a fork and everything. This is your grandpa's breakfast and it's cool again. Or should be. This is a farm breakfast, the kind that gets you fueled up and ready for a hard day of work sitting at your computer searching YouTube. So won't you please come into Dennys and at least give it a try?

Denny's will offer this breakfast free to everyone tomorrow from 6 am to 2 pm. That is a major promotion, but it's not really a gamble. Under the unspoken guise of "We're just looking out for you in these tough economic times" is a solid strategy. You'll also order coffee and juice and the cost of the meal will be covered. Denny's thinks you'll say to yourself, "Damn. Now that was a breakfast," and they hope you'll come back again.

It's not cool to like Denny's among a certain set. Denny's is considered white-trash and low-brow, where some junkie-cook with hepatitis is going to spit in your food and a surly, old, fat lady named Mabel will refill your coffee with a splash that suggests she once had a kid who looked like you and she's glad that kid is gone.

I don't mind a Denny's. I haven't been to one in a long time, but Denny's doesn't bother me. It's nice to know that if I want a classic breakfast at 11 pm on Christmas night, Denny's will serve it up. I hope their promotion tomorrow is a success and that people who've been eating on the run will rediscover the pleasure of making time for a morning meal. Sadly, what I think will happen is that Denny's will be overrun with bargain hunting vagabonds and bag ladies, scaring off the potential new customers as they drive by.

No More Wood in Your Mouth

A piece of Green Self-Promotion and Eco Self-Congratulation has hit the wires today, and my local business journal dutifully picked up on it, right down to the boilerplate promotion: "Kobe Japanese Steakhouse & Sushi Bar, which opened in 1984 in Altamonte Springs, features teppanyaki, high-quality steaks and Japanese cuisine at eight locations in the Orlando and Tampa areas."

As Nourishing as it is Tasty!

Yes, it's a meat-salad-vegetable combination! It's a well-balanced meal!

Lengthy copy and giant picture in this 1966 ad for the then-still-fledgling Burger King. Click image for bigger version and see if your locale even had a Burger King in 1966. Mine didn't, as it was pre-Disney days here and who wanted to risk a franchise in Orlando? I'm loving the Raygun Gothic architecture of the restaurant at the bottom of the ad.

And I'll be damned if this ad doesn't still work, 42 years after its creation. That giant burger looks really good to me right now. Only problem is that since 1966, we've learned that there is no such thing as a nourishing meal from Burger King.

Via.

In Memory of the Victims of 9/11, Order a Pizza

There are probably more "New York Pizzerias" here in Florida than there are in New York. And it's a safe bet that when you step into one you will be greeted by black and white framed photos of Deniro, Pacino, Stallone, Sinatra and The Sopranos, among others. You can also bet that during your lunch or dinner, you will be treated to Frank Sinatra on the way-too-loud music overhead. There will be "I (heart) NY" shirts on the wall, posters of the Brooklyn Bridge, and perhaps a NY State license plate as well. It will be called a "ristorante" and be named "Manhattan," "Brooklyn," "Antonio's," or "Anthony's."


Not far from me is this place, offering us an ad this week in which we see the NYC skyline at top, complete with the Twin Towers. "In Memory of," they gently remind us. Then, just for one more bottom-of-the-barrel shameless cliché, they give us Lady Liberty serving a greasy pie.

Class, baby.

15 Out of 15 Dairy Queen Customers are White

(And so is the lone guy working the store.) At least that was the case in 1960. On second thought, that might be Obama serving ice cream inside the DQ.

I'm sure many of you are familiar with Plan59, a great site of ancient advertising art. Laggard that I am, I only recently found it and spent too long perusing today when I was supposed to be crafting compelling copy. After viewing way too many images, I think I counted one person of color. He was a train porter serving Coca-Cola to a white family.

The site does remind you, however, that at one time (pre-Photoshop) being a "commercial artist" meant that you actually had to have some artistic skills.

Jack Bauer Never Eats

I think I saw Jack Bauer drinking a cup of coffee once. But he never eats, uses the restroom, sleeps or does anything else that normal Americans do. But then, he's not normal. And he's a TV character. (The guy who plays him has been known to hoist a few drinks, that's for sure.)

On a weekend trip to America's Oldest City, Mrs. Jetpacks and I were slightly bemused after leaving an independent restaurant. We didn't leave with takeout boxes. Because we finished our meals. And we weren't stuffed. My grandfather used to call this feeling "satisfied." We don't know what that means in America anymore.

And so I was wondering if any restaurant chains might like to try a twist on their marketing plan. Instead of super-sizing, instead of portions so large they should feed two people, instead of boxing up everyone's leftovers (or scraping everyone's leftovers into the trash), instead of contributing to the Obesification of America and the subsequent health problems caused by being a stuffed glutton, what if a restaurant chain went with a trial program whereby they offered smaller portions? They could present it in a thousand ways, such as helping curb a national epidemic, using the savings to contribute to the world's starving, keeping your refrigerator free of rotting half-eatens...whatever.

There are restaurants I only frequent once in a blue moon because whenever I leave them, the memory of being so full I'm sick stays with me longer than the memory of the taste of the food or the ambience of the place. And even if I'm not stuffed, the food in the fridge in the styrofoam container is never quite right heated up later in the microwave. (Mexican restaurants, you are the worst. With your bottomless bowl of chips with salsa, most of us are full by the time the entrées arrive.)

So, Applebee's, Outback, Red Lobster, Bennigan's, Hard Rock, T.G.I. Fridays and all the rest, whaddaya think? First one to the table on this idea wins. All the rest look like copycats. (Wendy's was first with the Value Menu, now all the fast food joints have a value menu.) It's time to swing the Portions Pendulum back in the other direction.

We don't know what hunger is anymore. When we say "I'm hungry," that usually means, "I'd love the taste of a monster Chipotle burrito right now." And in a country where eating is a sport and waste is a national pastime, the chances of a corporation going with a responsible idea like this are pretty slim. No pun intended.

I see product placement shots in "24" all the time. Maybe Jack Bauer can be eating at a Hard Rock cafe and he orders from the "Reasonable Portions" side of the menu? He knows he can't take it with him and he knows he'll be lucky to get through his meal without being called way to save his country, so he orders smart. A nation might follow his lead.