Fake Italian Restaurant Sues With Never-Ending Insolence

Chicken and Artichoke Vomit, as prepared by Olive Garden

The Darden Group, an Orlando-based restaurant conglomerate that counts among its chains Olive Garden and Red Lobster, has decided that a couple of San Diego T.G.I.Friday's restaurants are not allowed to use the tern "never-ending" when describing a shrimp sale. It's too close to the Olive Garden's "never-ending pasta bowl" an annual promotion that Darden attorneys, flacks and other assorted assholes with VP after their names think is a "valuable business asset" and so they will "vigorously oppose" the use of the term "never-ending" by the San Diego T.G.I. Friday's.

If I'm the judge, I say to the plaintiffs, "Bring me a bowl of this never-ending pasta." And then I say to the defendant, "Bring me a plate of this never-ending shrimp." Then I say, "Bring me a DVD of the Wolfgang Peterson directed Never-Ending Story." Then I sample the pasta, which I declare bland, unimaginative and far too cheese-laden. Then I try the shrimp, which I find to be dry on the inside, nearly spoiled and dripping in grease. I say to the two parties, "These taste very similar in their blandness and are exactly alike in that they both make me despise chain restaurants that pretend to be authentic. Nonetheless, shrimp is not pasta and I doubt any idiot could be fooled into thinking that this sale in a San Diego area T.G.I. Friday's is in any way associated with the Olive Garden. But then again, who knows, since I can't tell you guys apart just driving down the road where all the chains congregate within the same four blocks." Then I try to watch the movie, which after a few minutes is just too dated, the primitive animatronics and child-actors not sitting well after eating two variations of popular "American" cuisine.

I declare the lawsuit frivolous and I issue an order that requires all Darden corporate assholes to wash dishes in local T.G.I. Friday's restaurants for 4 years.       

Jack Bauer Never Eats

I think I saw Jack Bauer drinking a cup of coffee once. But he never eats, uses the restroom, sleeps or does anything else that normal Americans do. But then, he's not normal. And he's a TV character. (The guy who plays him has been known to hoist a few drinks, that's for sure.)

On a weekend trip to America's Oldest City, Mrs. Jetpacks and I were slightly bemused after leaving an independent restaurant. We didn't leave with takeout boxes. Because we finished our meals. And we weren't stuffed. My grandfather used to call this feeling "satisfied." We don't know what that means in America anymore.

And so I was wondering if any restaurant chains might like to try a twist on their marketing plan. Instead of super-sizing, instead of portions so large they should feed two people, instead of boxing up everyone's leftovers (or scraping everyone's leftovers into the trash), instead of contributing to the Obesification of America and the subsequent health problems caused by being a stuffed glutton, what if a restaurant chain went with a trial program whereby they offered smaller portions? They could present it in a thousand ways, such as helping curb a national epidemic, using the savings to contribute to the world's starving, keeping your refrigerator free of rotting half-eatens...whatever.

There are restaurants I only frequent once in a blue moon because whenever I leave them, the memory of being so full I'm sick stays with me longer than the memory of the taste of the food or the ambience of the place. And even if I'm not stuffed, the food in the fridge in the styrofoam container is never quite right heated up later in the microwave. (Mexican restaurants, you are the worst. With your bottomless bowl of chips with salsa, most of us are full by the time the entrées arrive.)

So, Applebee's, Outback, Red Lobster, Bennigan's, Hard Rock, T.G.I. Fridays and all the rest, whaddaya think? First one to the table on this idea wins. All the rest look like copycats. (Wendy's was first with the Value Menu, now all the fast food joints have a value menu.) It's time to swing the Portions Pendulum back in the other direction.

We don't know what hunger is anymore. When we say "I'm hungry," that usually means, "I'd love the taste of a monster Chipotle burrito right now." And in a country where eating is a sport and waste is a national pastime, the chances of a corporation going with a responsible idea like this are pretty slim. No pun intended.

I see product placement shots in "24" all the time. Maybe Jack Bauer can be eating at a Hard Rock cafe and he orders from the "Reasonable Portions" side of the menu? He knows he can't take it with him and he knows he'll be lucky to get through his meal without being called way to save his country, so he orders smart. A nation might follow his lead.