Fake Italian Restaurant Sues With Never-Ending Insolence

Chicken and Artichoke Vomit, as prepared by Olive Garden

The Darden Group, an Orlando-based restaurant conglomerate that counts among its chains Olive Garden and Red Lobster, has decided that a couple of San Diego T.G.I.Friday's restaurants are not allowed to use the tern "never-ending" when describing a shrimp sale. It's too close to the Olive Garden's "never-ending pasta bowl" an annual promotion that Darden attorneys, flacks and other assorted assholes with VP after their names think is a "valuable business asset" and so they will "vigorously oppose" the use of the term "never-ending" by the San Diego T.G.I. Friday's.

If I'm the judge, I say to the plaintiffs, "Bring me a bowl of this never-ending pasta." And then I say to the defendant, "Bring me a plate of this never-ending shrimp." Then I say, "Bring me a DVD of the Wolfgang Peterson directed Never-Ending Story." Then I sample the pasta, which I declare bland, unimaginative and far too cheese-laden. Then I try the shrimp, which I find to be dry on the inside, nearly spoiled and dripping in grease. I say to the two parties, "These taste very similar in their blandness and are exactly alike in that they both make me despise chain restaurants that pretend to be authentic. Nonetheless, shrimp is not pasta and I doubt any idiot could be fooled into thinking that this sale in a San Diego area T.G.I. Friday's is in any way associated with the Olive Garden. But then again, who knows, since I can't tell you guys apart just driving down the road where all the chains congregate within the same four blocks." Then I try to watch the movie, which after a few minutes is just too dated, the primitive animatronics and child-actors not sitting well after eating two variations of popular "American" cuisine.

I declare the lawsuit frivolous and I issue an order that requires all Darden corporate assholes to wash dishes in local T.G.I. Friday's restaurants for 4 years.       

Every State Has a Springfield

Dominating the skyline like an Eastern European monument to thoughtless architecture, the Springfield, Illinois Hilton lends an eerie ugliness to a town whose chief qualities are eeriness and ugliness.

Scene of Obama's announcement to run for President (an impressive event) and the home of the Illinois State Capitol (an impressive structure) the town also hosts the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum. This is no ordinary museum, and despite its overwhelming fascination with death and ghosts and creepiness (a wax figure of Mary Todd Lincoln sits dressed in black, the window reflecting a gloomy rain as she mourns the death of her son with a bible on her lap; a replica of the rotunda is dark and ominous, where Lincoln's body lies in state) the museum rivals anything Disney could do. Put together by BRC Imagination Arts (WARNING: exceptionally cheese-filled homepage video on their website) the exhibits leave you asking, "How did they do that?" which is a pretty decent takeaway for any museum.

We had a good visit, randomly deciding to stop in (at the compulsion of some roadside signs) as we drove through the very flat and uninspiring middle of Illinois. Springfield has an Arby's. We ate there. I had the French Dip, an inspired sandwich, the au jus of which was "CAUTION: EXTREMELY HOT" so I cannot sue them for a burnt tongue as they warned me ahead of time.

I took a moment to travel back in time to try to talk John Wilkes Boothe out of what he kept referring to as his "destiny," but alas, I was too late. His mind was made up.

Our American Cousin

Sic Semper Tyrannis, anyone?

Steve Hall, one of the premiere ad bloggers, pictured here, is being sued by Virgin America, part of the Virgin Group, of which SIR RICHARD Branson, also pictured here, is the Chairman. As far as I know, SIR RICHARD has done nothing like ride a black horse into the thick of battle to defend the Throne and is therefore undeserving of the title SIR. (Then again, all Elton John did was write stupid ballads and they call him SIR over there, too.)

Virgin is angry because Steve's blog posted a fake ad they received promoting Virgin America. The offending ad showed US Air's flight 1529 in the Hudson. The ad was clearly fake, and the original post said as much, but SIR RICHARD is not a man to make light of (diverted and avoided) tragedy. He will defend his HONOUR, as he is a SIR. (Full story here.)

This is clearly a case of spoiled Brit Babies taking out their frustrations on carefree and fun-loving Americans. Steve Hall is from Boston. Coincidence? I think not. Time for some sort of Revived Boston Tea Party, where we dump a bunch of Virgin Mobile phones in the HARBOUR.

Lighten up, Richard. Or can I call you Dick?