Fake Italian Restaurant Sues With Never-Ending Insolence

Chicken and Artichoke Vomit, as prepared by Olive Garden

The Darden Group, an Orlando-based restaurant conglomerate that counts among its chains Olive Garden and Red Lobster, has decided that a couple of San Diego T.G.I.Friday's restaurants are not allowed to use the tern "never-ending" when describing a shrimp sale. It's too close to the Olive Garden's "never-ending pasta bowl" an annual promotion that Darden attorneys, flacks and other assorted assholes with VP after their names think is a "valuable business asset" and so they will "vigorously oppose" the use of the term "never-ending" by the San Diego T.G.I. Friday's.

If I'm the judge, I say to the plaintiffs, "Bring me a bowl of this never-ending pasta." And then I say to the defendant, "Bring me a plate of this never-ending shrimp." Then I say, "Bring me a DVD of the Wolfgang Peterson directed Never-Ending Story." Then I sample the pasta, which I declare bland, unimaginative and far too cheese-laden. Then I try the shrimp, which I find to be dry on the inside, nearly spoiled and dripping in grease. I say to the two parties, "These taste very similar in their blandness and are exactly alike in that they both make me despise chain restaurants that pretend to be authentic. Nonetheless, shrimp is not pasta and I doubt any idiot could be fooled into thinking that this sale in a San Diego area T.G.I. Friday's is in any way associated with the Olive Garden. But then again, who knows, since I can't tell you guys apart just driving down the road where all the chains congregate within the same four blocks." Then I try to watch the movie, which after a few minutes is just too dated, the primitive animatronics and child-actors not sitting well after eating two variations of popular "American" cuisine.

I declare the lawsuit frivolous and I issue an order that requires all Darden corporate assholes to wash dishes in local T.G.I. Friday's restaurants for 4 years.