An Important Medical Announcement

Worship the Abs

Pros! Shoot Like an Amateur!

Clicking allows maximization. Print on shitty paper for authenticity, then hang it on the bulletin board of the coffee-break area in your dying production studio.

And Kids Were Driving When They Could Reach the Gas Pedal

The year is 1955, and the "druggist," I believe they called him, is selling the youngsters a Zippo lighter for Dad. Or at least that's who the kids said the lighter was for.

Top line is left as it was, but the rest of the copy has been modified to reflect a changing society. As if a kid could even buy a lighter today.(Click for large.)

Original ad is here.

Mel Gibson for Gibson Guitars

Your Claims of "Viral" Are Falling on Deaf Eyes

I won't even give this video the benefit of an embedded view because the execution behind the attempt is so transparent. Not that the idea is so awful. Guy finds image of Burger King on his Big Mac bun. Cute.

It is introduced to me in an email that has all the markings of blog spam: "Hey, longtime fan of your blog and thought you might be interested in this. I keep seeing this video in a bunch of places and wondered what you thought. Funny stuff."

Whether or not BK is ultimately behind this doesn't even bother me. I doubt they are and this is probably someone's attempt to get some viral cred that they can put on their reel as they knock on doors to try to find a job.  "We did this hilarious thing for BK that just blew up on YouTube!"

This one, like most of them, has the forced acting by amatuers who happened to have their cameras out as they were eating lunch at McDonald's. It is uploaded by a guy who, SURPRISE, has only ever uploaded one video - and it's this one. If my YouTube user name is jakeskatesf, I will likely have at least a few vids of myself skating, or doing bong hits, or hanging out at the beach, especially if I'm the kind of guy whose camera is so a part of me that I have it out while at lunch with my friends. And the people who think Jake's video is awesome, their profiles have ZERO uploads. These are what's known in the business as "fake plants pretending to like your faked stupid video." One of them comments on Jake's video that "Damn dude! This BK thing is blowin' up!" Uh, not really.

Good viral happens, it isn't seeded or trying to be "authentic." You can't PR your way to success through fake email accounts with "check this funny thing out I found" messages. And what really ticks most of us off are the lengths you will go to to make it seem as though you are just some Joe or Jake who made a video, creating fake profiles and seeding comments. At least have another couple videos on your channel to hide the fact that you created the channel for the sole purpose of promoting your little stunt that you hope gets noticed by CP+B.

Or just be honest and put it on your real channel with the explanation, "I need a job and so I did this thing to get noticed by someone." That would be far more digestible than what you're up to now.

Cue Angelic Choir

Northrup Grumman has released this image of their new airship they call a Long Endurance Multi-Intelligence Vehicle, being built for the U.S. Army. It's a football field in size and will be built and deployed within 18 months. Northrup has a contract to build "up to 3" of these for $517 million. It will fly at 20,000 feet and enable troops on the ground to pretty much see everything. A very wordy press release full of business speak/military jargon is here.

Given that they went with such a ridiculous artist's rendering, conveying glory, dominion, power and majesty, both now and forever, Amen, I've helped them turn this into an ad.(Click image for the huge.)

The Visionaires of Radio Shack

(A larger version of this electronic image can be enabled simply by clicking on the left button of the pointer device attached to your computer terminal)

Fashion Ads Made Easy

(Click image for hugeness.) Are you considering attending a community college to get your Associate's degree in fashion marketing? Perhaps you are taking bids from ad agencies to create your next two-page spread for your summer collection. Well, either one of those endeavors would be a huge waste of money and time. All you need is internet access, Photoshop, maybe a digital camera and a cheaply paid model or two.

You start with a location, preferably somewhere desolate, abandoned and fairly ugly. In this instance we've chosen an old, defunct gas station location stolen from someone's Picasa account. Other popular locations include barns, alleys, deserts and beaches. If you go with a beach location, make sure the day is gloomy and overcast. Next, do an image search for "sullen" or something equally unhappy and you will come up with someone like our model in the foreground. ("Somber" also works.) She is not modeling your clothing, and that is perfectly fine. She is there to make the viewer say "What the hell?" A hint of skin is essential. If not, he or she should be completely covered, perhaps in a burka, adding to the "Huh?" factor.

Now you are ready to feature your product. In this instance, we will assume it's the man's coat. Or his shoes. Doesn't matter in the least. Unless you are creating in-store posters for Target or Wal-Mart, it is absolutely essential that your models be forbidden to smile. While most fashion models should be fairly practiced at the unsmiling pose, we want total authenticity. It is often helpful if you berate him or her, telling them things that will hurt a model's feelings, such as, "Damnit! I wanted a slim model!" or "Holy crap! I asked for "sexy guy" and they send me YOU?" Your product need not be featured upfront, in fact, it is best if it is not. Oftentimes, you may choose to not even show your product, which is fine. We are setting a mood, creating an illusion, and sometimes your product simply ruins the ad.

You may wonder if you need a headline now. No, you do not. What are you going to say? Something clever, mysterious or hip? Don't try it. All you need now is your fashion line's name, very large. And it is key that the first and last letters of the name extend out of the ad's frame. Then bring down the opacity of the name.

Congratulations, you are now a fashion ad designer.

Generic Ad Template

This can work for your financial advisory business, insurance outfit, or consultancy of any sort. It says what you want to say, which is what all of your competitors are already saying. (Click for big)

Stop the Abuse!

It's his right. When will the madness stop?

Bloat

Who Wants to Start a Brewery?

Or at least get an existing brewery to pick up a new brand. New World Beer. (Not to be confused with a home brew strain by the same name.)

Taste? What does taste have to do with anything? You gonna tell me Dos Equis is a great beer? 'Course it ain't. But it's got a great campaign behind it. I think I have a good name for a brew here, in honor of the guy who planted a flag in the Dominican Republic a few centuries ago. We can mess with the label art and all that, of course. And once we've got all the REAL work done, THEN we make a beer that isn't half bad and we tell everyone it's awesome, will make them cool, get them laid and define their lives.

mas grande

Vicky is Your Daughter's Friend

Victoria's Secret is having a Back to School Sale.

Now, settle down, concerned parents. It's not anything to get alarmed over, you decent and good citizens of Babylon. Vicky's just trying to help young college women decorate their dorms with her signature PINK line.

Uh huh.

But really, let's stop beating around the bush and give Victoria's Secret an ad that gets right to the point of what they're really all about.

Fast Food Fighting Back

I'm thinking maybe this should run in a parenting magazine or perhaps one for expectant mothers.

get the big, juicy, jumbo size

The Scent That Sets Her Apart