Fashion Ads Made Easy

(Click image for hugeness.) Are you considering attending a community college to get your Associate's degree in fashion marketing? Perhaps you are taking bids from ad agencies to create your next two-page spread for your summer collection. Well, either one of those endeavors would be a huge waste of money and time. All you need is internet access, Photoshop, maybe a digital camera and a cheaply paid model or two.

You start with a location, preferably somewhere desolate, abandoned and fairly ugly. In this instance we've chosen an old, defunct gas station location stolen from someone's Picasa account. Other popular locations include barns, alleys, deserts and beaches. If you go with a beach location, make sure the day is gloomy and overcast. Next, do an image search for "sullen" or something equally unhappy and you will come up with someone like our model in the foreground. ("Somber" also works.) She is not modeling your clothing, and that is perfectly fine. She is there to make the viewer say "What the hell?" A hint of skin is essential. If not, he or she should be completely covered, perhaps in a burka, adding to the "Huh?" factor.

Now you are ready to feature your product. In this instance, we will assume it's the man's coat. Or his shoes. Doesn't matter in the least. Unless you are creating in-store posters for Target or Wal-Mart, it is absolutely essential that your models be forbidden to smile. While most fashion models should be fairly practiced at the unsmiling pose, we want total authenticity. It is often helpful if you berate him or her, telling them things that will hurt a model's feelings, such as, "Damnit! I wanted a slim model!" or "Holy crap! I asked for "sexy guy" and they send me YOU?" Your product need not be featured upfront, in fact, it is best if it is not. Oftentimes, you may choose to not even show your product, which is fine. We are setting a mood, creating an illusion, and sometimes your product simply ruins the ad.

You may wonder if you need a headline now. No, you do not. What are you going to say? Something clever, mysterious or hip? Don't try it. All you need now is your fashion line's name, very large. And it is key that the first and last letters of the name extend out of the ad's frame. Then bring down the opacity of the name.

Congratulations, you are now a fashion ad designer.

Obama for D&C

You've seen their ads, the highly charged and curious group photographs that suggest a gang rape or gay orgy. On his recent trip overseas, President Obama was photographed outside the home of the Ambassador to France. I like that we have a leader who isn't afraid to sit on some steps, ("disgracing the office," many will say) but I could not resist childishly converting the scene.

Colored Spectacles

It's nearly summertime, so it's time for the fashion boutiques to sell you "eyewear," better known as sunglasses. Saw this ad today and it made me cringe, so I had to caption it.

And if you go to the Bottega Veneta website and can actually find the sunglasses, (pages 78-79) you'll find the exclusive phrasing, "Price available upon request," which is not-so-secret code for, "You asked, which means you can't afford them."

I have been a picky sunglasses shopper in years past, but I finally found a maker in American Optical that are affordable and rugged. Problem is they aren't stocked at the mall or found in boutiques. You can find them at Army Navy stores or on military bases for about $40. Or online at American Optical's very bad website for much more. Come to think of it, J. Peterman sells them with a name change to "Fort Knox Sunglasses."

Anyway, I'm looking at that ad above and wondering how much it cost. I'm sure Lord and Lady Douche there don't work for less than a thousand a day, minimum. Then you've got your lighting director, your director of photography, your photographer's assistant, your creative director, studio fee or location fee, agency hangers-on just hanging on and makeup and hair people. I'll bet it took two days to get that stupid shot and cost about as much as the average American makes in a year.

So I took my AO's outside (I'm going to start calling them "AO's" to up the cool factor) and set them by the pool and created a couple of better ads in about five minutes.

big version

big version

Girl, Eat Something

I'm pretty sure your boyfriend won't mind if you put on a couple pounds. Go on, have a light dressing on that salad, or some skim milk on your 1/2 cup of Special K.

Cigarettes and vodka make for an unhealthy diet.

Release Your Inner Stripper

Not living in New York or LA, I don't know this store (shop, boutique, designer) so I can't even be sure what is being sold. The shoes, the bag, the black...thing...the models are wearing?

It doesn't matter. They are really selling a brand, a mood, a mystique, an attitude. And I'm sure it works on the demo targeted. I'm seeing Paris Hilton and the Olsen Twins.

Scamp did some nice work for Levi's where it's all about attitude and mystique. You know what Levi's are, what they mean. So the product doesn't even need to be in the ads.

Harley-Davidson could take a clue.

Previously in "Stranger Than Fashion"

Pink Shirted Soccer Team
Chicks Dig Stuffed Animals
Crocs: Just Say No
Androgyny Won't Go Away
ChuckTaylor Rolls in His Grave
On a Fashion Shoot

Scanned from The New York Times Magazine

The Clothes are Secondary

Fun with Fashion.

The latest installment in the clip art comic strip called "Where's My Jetpack?"