Obama for D&C

You've seen their ads, the highly charged and curious group photographs that suggest a gang rape or gay orgy. On his recent trip overseas, President Obama was photographed outside the home of the Ambassador to France. I like that we have a leader who isn't afraid to sit on some steps, ("disgracing the office," many will say) but I could not resist childishly converting the scene.

Colored Spectacles

It's nearly summertime, so it's time for the fashion boutiques to sell you "eyewear," better known as sunglasses. Saw this ad today and it made me cringe, so I had to caption it.

And if you go to the Bottega Veneta website and can actually find the sunglasses, (pages 78-79) you'll find the exclusive phrasing, "Price available upon request," which is not-so-secret code for, "You asked, which means you can't afford them."

I have been a picky sunglasses shopper in years past, but I finally found a maker in American Optical that are affordable and rugged. Problem is they aren't stocked at the mall or found in boutiques. You can find them at Army Navy stores or on military bases for about $40. Or online at American Optical's very bad website for much more. Come to think of it, J. Peterman sells them with a name change to "Fort Knox Sunglasses."

Anyway, I'm looking at that ad above and wondering how much it cost. I'm sure Lord and Lady Douche there don't work for less than a thousand a day, minimum. Then you've got your lighting director, your director of photography, your photographer's assistant, your creative director, studio fee or location fee, agency hangers-on just hanging on and makeup and hair people. I'll bet it took two days to get that stupid shot and cost about as much as the average American makes in a year.

So I took my AO's outside (I'm going to start calling them "AO's" to up the cool factor) and set them by the pool and created a couple of better ads in about five minutes.

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Stranger Than Fashion

Will The Real Chuck Taylor Please Roll Over in His Grave

I guess the point of all the D&G, John Varvatos, Casare Paciotti, etc. ads for stuff I will never buy is to cause the viewer to go, "What? Wait. Ummm. That's disturbing. Disturbingly artistic. Artistically disturbed. Nice photo of a weird situation. Unexplainable. I'll bet those clothes (shoes, jewelry) are expensive."

That's all it says to me. I see an ad like this, and I know I can't afford to play in this store. And I really hate it when a nice, storied brand gets taken into the realm of ultra-hip fashion. Example: Converse's Chuck Taylors were not meant to be expensive, designer shoes. But if they have John Varvatos' name on them, they double in price. And they get pictured in such bizare situations as the woman on the park picnic table holding a gallon of water as she's molested by a reject from a Clash cover band. She emits a jet of water from her lips while a hapless third member of the party apparently ruins the burgers in the background. Someone has written "sexy mess" on the picnic table bench. The copywriter worked hard on that line: Get Chucked.

Yeah? Chuck you, John Varvatos.

Chuck Taylors are eternallly cool. They've been in fashion, in one way or another, since the 1930s. But the fashion-conscious shallownistas can wear them now without feeling like they're slumming.

Mr. Varvatos, you are too artistic [expensive] for me. I just want normal Chuck Taylors. I'd prefer they not be associated with you.