Dinner with Barack

Not dinner with the President. Not dinner with Obama. Nope. Just Barack. Your buddy, up against a brick wall like so many promising young bands and hopeful comedians. Barack. You and Barack. Dinner. That will be special.

I have no doubt that the skillful and shrewd tacticians of the Obama campaign are totally in touch with their audience (See that Google + icon?) and they will most likely outwit the Romney camp this November, but I wish they could reign in the coolness just a touch. We're talking about the leader of the most powerful country on earth - not Justin Bieber.

What will you and Barack talk about at dinner? My guess is he will feign interest in whatever you want to talk about and probably laugh at your lame jokes. He will also be familiar with your favorite music. He's cool like that. 

Step Down

Listening to Obama and Hillary talking today, I think more people should employ diplomatic language when dealing with sticky situations. (Click.)

Supersaturated Street Scenes - Nation's Capital

I know you do this, too. You find an agency's address on their website and then go see what their building looks like, wondering how you might like working there. I did that recently for an agency in the DC area looking for a senior copywriter. OK, maybe you don't do that. Maybe you're just weird then.

A lovely spring day in Washington, DC finds some citizens enjoying Georgetown Waterfront Park, oblivious to President Obama out for an afternoon stroll. (Larger happens when you click.)

Here's our last visit to DC on Google Street Views.

The Presidential Vacation Collection

They say he jets around too much, playing golf and looking unconcerned. I don't really have an opinion on that yet, but I do know the addition of a cricket jacket to any man's wardrobe is a sure ticket to what the English used to call "dashing," provided you actually play cricket and you're not just some fashion-y douche, in which case, wear it with your manpris.

I think I'll try to help J. Peterman move some late summer sale items. These and other bargains now available at the Fall Last Chance Sale.

Father, Forgive Them...

...for they know only what they hear on right wing radio.

Ass Kicker in Chief

When He Wears Chuck Taylors, They Look Like Clown Shoes

Oh please, for the Love of God, click it

Jesus God Almighty, I'm hearin' some crazy talk out there in my country. Been watchin' Fox News tonight. Lock up the women, arm yourselves, and have plenty of water and gold. Obama has passed Phase One in his Eight-Phase Plan to lift Lady Liberty's dress and sodomize her with the rolled-up scroll of the Constitution out there in the harbour for all the world to see. Especially the Arabs. If we can get That Guy out of office after only Four Phases, the worst may be avoided, though you can expect that the Koran will have replaced the Bible in courtrooms nationwide. But you hold fast, friend. Brother. We will defeat this foe.  Let Freedom Ring. Let the White Dove Sing. Let the Whole World Know it's the Day of Reckoning*.


I don't think I've ever done this, but I'm gonna repost an old post, because my dear countrymen, the Prophet Beck and Patriot Hannity, deserve it. Orignally posted January 8th of this year.

Because The Four Horsemen Won't Be Bringing Food  

Glenn Beck is the new spokesman for Food Insurance, a company that wants to make sure you survive the coming tribulations with your bellies filled. And they're coming, Beck warns in a video on the company's site. He's got these little backpacks for his whole family and his staff, and they look all Swiss Army or Red Cross-like. Two weeks of freeze-dried goodness for as little as $199.99 per person. Want to feed a family of five for an entire year? Only $9,299.99. Financing available.

Now I'm all for being prepared, but Glenn and his pals are turning preparedness into an industry that preys on the fearful and misinformed. Make sure you have plenty of gold coins so you can trade with other survivors for essentials like old issues of Town Hall Magazine and Sarah Palin's book.

So take note, all you marauders, murderers, pillagers, rapists and zombies out there planning on surviving the destruction: just look for the people with the black and red backpacks with the fork icon on them. That means "food" and you can steal them at gunpoint as they flee the city in their Hummers and Escalades.

* Lyrics from Sean Hannity's theme song.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon

Blink and The Moment is Gone

It's a fast-paced pop culture out there. What is that stupid German word? Zeitgeist? Yeah, that.

Stay In School, Tommy

Class: We are about to watch a message from the government about being a good citizen in school. If anyone does not wish to watch this film, you are excused if you have a note from your parents. Some of your parents have sent me angry letters accusing me of wanting to indoctrinate you into a strange ideology and change your way of thinking because of this film. Personally, and this is only my opinion, kids, some of your parents are really retarded.

I'm sorry. I meant "severely mentally handicapped."



Did you catch that part at the end about multiculturalism? The Italian girl does a folk dance? Fuckin' commies!

Be a Tea Bag Designer in Your Spare Time

A career with a promising future in today's America is banner ad designer for the right wing mob. I just threw this one together in about five minutes. I think it says everything they want me to say.

I love how the mob yells, "Do you want the government deciding who your doctor is? Do you want the government deciding what procedures you can get?"

Well, right now United Healthcare decides those things for me...at an exorbitant rate.

Or this is one of their favorites: "What has the government ever run right?"

Aren't these the same folks that love "our men and women in uniform" more than you or me? I'm pretty sure they'd have a hard time saying the military, a government entity, is shoddily run.

Now I need to make one showing him as the foreign-born Muslim prince boy, puppet of the Illuminati, destroyer of all we hold dear. Crushing baby skulls and lifting the dress of Lady Liberty while he urinates on Old Glory. Yeah.

Obama for D&C

You've seen their ads, the highly charged and curious group photographs that suggest a gang rape or gay orgy. On his recent trip overseas, President Obama was photographed outside the home of the Ambassador to France. I like that we have a leader who isn't afraid to sit on some steps, ("disgracing the office," many will say) but I could not resist childishly converting the scene.

The Obamas Are Your New Ideal

A kind reader sent me this banner, in which you are encouraged to get your nasty, flabby arms in shape. How will you do that? By visiting Kim's Diet Plan (dot com). Apparently Kim is the one accosting everyone with images of her plumpness.

Kim wants to sell you some berries and clean your colon, which will make you have arms like Michelle Obama's. Presumably, she will also show you how to suck in your stomach. Kim lives in a nearby town, according to her website, unless her website is lying to me and filling in a different town name for every visitor, based on IP. But I don't think Kim would do that.

Kim's banners reminded me of the series of banners featuring ladies exercising because President Obama wants moms to go to school. The first one I saw was a women doing violent sit-ups. Then I saw two ladies in a gym boxing. Here's the latest.

A video of two women doing jumping jacks on the beach feels disconnected from the goal of getting moms to finish college, but what do I know? Dancing gay cowboys was a huge hit for lowermybills.com. And even they changed horses and got on the Obama gravy train.

The goal, banner designers, is to get attention, like the lowest form of humor: slapstick. The banner ad doesn't need to have anything at all to do with whatever it is you're selling. Allow me to demonstrate.

Let's imagine a product or service. I know! Printer cartridges! Here's how we will sell them in a banner ad.


Maybe that was a cheap shot. OK. I'll try again.

Arlington, Virginia Portal to Hell is Obama Haunt

News as seen from the fringe.

Ray's Hell Burger, a nondescript restaurant in Arlington, Virginia, was visited recently by Illuminati Super Child Barack Obama and his friend, Joe "Demon Hair" Biden. The pair are shown here being served by "Ray" AKA Satan, Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, etc.


Just as Peru is known to have secret caves that lead to the interior of our hollow earth, where the nephalim live in peace, waiting to conquer the earth's surface at the end of the Mayan calendar, Arlington has long been a passage to Hell. Ray is delighted with the exposure the Obama visit has brought his restaurant.

"We don't even have a sign. And now we have been graced with the presence of the One. Needless to say, business is booming now like a bottled water vendor beside a molten river of fire! Our flaming flesh sandwiches are being devoured now like so many Roman Christians in a pit of lions!"

Obama says he was only hungry for a good burger and one of his hipster staffers suggested the popular burger joint.

"Ray is a great guy and a good example of a small business that is making it in this tough economy. It can be done," said Obama, "The naysayers need to talk to guys like Ray."

Ray laughed at the President, offering, "Oh, yes! You need to talk to me! I will give you riches! I will give you pleasures! Yours eyes shall be opened! Bwaaaaaaaa!"

More Things The Obamas Like

During the campaign, we found out that Barack Obama likes fancy snacks and wussy teas. When he did eat—which was often an uncomfortable sight, not unlike watching an anorexic supermodel being force-fed a bacon cheeseburger—we noted his preferences. We learned of his bicycle, his clothing, his cars and his sunglasses. And sales of those things went up after they were revealed. So now the Obama girls have a new swingset.

In these trying times, a business needs all the exposure it can get, and hitching your wagon to the Obama train has proven successful for many fine merchants. I wouldn't recommend Rainbow Play Systems of South Dakota be super-shameless about the fact that the Obamas chose their company for a swingset, but maybe they could do some Direct Mail/Email Marketing along these lines.

Le Large

You're a Great American

Make your own at Obamiconme.

A Nation of Immigrants

Hey, Hannity! They barely speak English, but they love their country.

Patriotism is alive in one of the most neglected yet colorful areas of Miami. This in-progress American mural graces a wall in Little Haiti.

mas grande

I'm hoping the artist eventually puts some lapels on that Mister Rogers sweater Obama's wearing, turning it into a proper jacket.

Stimulus Maximus

If you search Amtrak Sucks on Google, this blog comes in first place. Here is one of the most popular landing pages on this blog, as that is a search term many people seem to identify with. (Here are all of my Amtrak related posts.)

Early on, I offered the new President my services as Transportation Secretary, but he played the coy game, not returning my emails, acting all aloof, finally going with some guy from Illinois to whom he probably owes a favor. I expect Ray LaHood (which is Lebanese for "Ray is a Hoodlum") to do nothing as Transportation Secretary, just like every other Transportation Secretary before him. If I were Ray right now, I'd be sending Barry emails, threatening to make public those pictures of the two of them doing bong hits in Chicago if he doesn't kick in a couple billion to fix Amtrak.

If you caught a glimpse of Obama's pre-inaugural train trip from Philly to DC, you might've noticed a very shiny Amtrak train, looking completely unlike any other Amtrak train you've ever seen, as they are usually covered in diesel scum and haven't been washed in years. His train was also on time, which was very odd, as punctuality is a concept Amtrak holds as relative.

Can we build a better rail system in America, people? Yes We Can. And if we can't, we can at least have this train.

Plus, this heirloom-quality Obama memorabilia really runs and illuminates with headlights and inner compartment lights. Take a historic ride and display your American pride. Also makes a stunning Obama themed gift. Order now!

Previously in "Expensive Obama Gifts You Can't Afford":

All Aboard the (Very Expensive) Hope Train

Obama Will Get You Better Insurance

In no danger of losing their crown as the Kings of the Stupidest Banner Ads in the History of Earth, Lowermybills.com (who can forget dancing gay cowboys?) is now on the Obama bandwagon.OK, but what does Barack Obama have to do with my auto insurance rates, and why is he wandering around the country with his arms folded and a scowl on his face?

And why does the White House float around the country, eluding Obama? Is it a political statement on the part of lowermybills? Is it a game? Are you supposed to help Obama find his house? WTF is going on here?

NOTHING is going on. It's just lowermybills doing what they do best: getting your attention in the dumbest ways possible. Lowermybills is the kid in the lunchroom who only makes people laugh because he purposely snorts milk up his nose.

But as dumb as all the lowermybills campaigns are, I'm told they are among the most effective banners ever.

So keep this formula in mind when creating banners:

Stupid/Senseless¹⁰ + Heavy Rotation = Success.

Yes We Can Again

If it Ain't Broke...

When a slogan works, there's no sense in changing it. I don't see President Obama deviating much from his winning formula when he runs for re-election in 2012 against whomever the Republicans put up. Romney, Palin, Jindal, Huckabee or some as-yet-unknown will be up against a juggernaut of a brand that got its start with this ad.

Here's a younger, not-as-gray Obama in 2004, running for Senate on the slogan, "Yes We Can." A David Axelrod production, pre cool logo.

The Inauguration as Seen from Iran

A Potential Leader of a Revolution?
Showing wisdom beyond her years, Barack Obama's youngest daughter, Sasha, gives her father the traditional "Up yours!" gesture following his inaugural address on the steps of the Imperial Dome of Sorrow, while negligent mother Michelle Obama looks on.