When He Wears Chuck Taylors, They Look Like Clown Shoes

Oh please, for the Love of God, click it

Jesus God Almighty, I'm hearin' some crazy talk out there in my country. Been watchin' Fox News tonight. Lock up the women, arm yourselves, and have plenty of water and gold. Obama has passed Phase One in his Eight-Phase Plan to lift Lady Liberty's dress and sodomize her with the rolled-up scroll of the Constitution out there in the harbour for all the world to see. Especially the Arabs. If we can get That Guy out of office after only Four Phases, the worst may be avoided, though you can expect that the Koran will have replaced the Bible in courtrooms nationwide. But you hold fast, friend. Brother. We will defeat this foe.  Let Freedom Ring. Let the White Dove Sing. Let the Whole World Know it's the Day of Reckoning*.


I don't think I've ever done this, but I'm gonna repost an old post, because my dear countrymen, the Prophet Beck and Patriot Hannity, deserve it. Orignally posted January 8th of this year.

Because The Four Horsemen Won't Be Bringing Food  

Glenn Beck is the new spokesman for Food Insurance, a company that wants to make sure you survive the coming tribulations with your bellies filled. And they're coming, Beck warns in a video on the company's site. He's got these little backpacks for his whole family and his staff, and they look all Swiss Army or Red Cross-like. Two weeks of freeze-dried goodness for as little as $199.99 per person. Want to feed a family of five for an entire year? Only $9,299.99. Financing available.

Now I'm all for being prepared, but Glenn and his pals are turning preparedness into an industry that preys on the fearful and misinformed. Make sure you have plenty of gold coins so you can trade with other survivors for essentials like old issues of Town Hall Magazine and Sarah Palin's book.

So take note, all you marauders, murderers, pillagers, rapists and zombies out there planning on surviving the destruction: just look for the people with the black and red backpacks with the fork icon on them. That means "food" and you can steal them at gunpoint as they flee the city in their Hummers and Escalades.

* Lyrics from Sean Hannity's theme song.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon

If The Beatles Can Sell Rock Band

Levi's is taking some heat for jumping on the death of Ted Kennedy as an excuse to put out a "tribute" ad.

I say let it be open season on Kennedy images. Such possibilities. Ray-Ban sunglasses, Italian yachts, or this classy ad for Converse that I just made.

Full size

Rock On, Wachovia!

This is from the homepage of wachovia.com, where I bank. Acoustic-playing, Army-jacket, ripped- jean, Chuck Taylor-wearing Rockerman is EXCITED about Wachovia's fixed rate mortgage loans. In fact, he's so pumped, he might just write a song about how his old adjustable rate mortgage was taking food out of his baby's mouth while The Man was getting rich and fat keeping him down.

Which reminds me; if I read one more sycophantic review of Springsteen's latest upchucking of pseudo-Americana, I'm going to...I don't what I'm going to do. But Springsteen releasing another buttload of whiny working-man, stop-the-war, what-happened-to-my-country songs is not worthy of the Google News homepage for 2 weeks. You're not the Boss of me, Bruce.

Yes, I am aware that the Springsteen Army is vast and vehement. Bring it on. You can't make me worship him. And I'm no less an American if I don't. If we have to choose a preacher of the singer-songwriter variety to be the spokesperson for our Collective National Angst, I'll take Canadian Neil Young any day.

Stranger Than Fashion

Will The Real Chuck Taylor Please Roll Over in His Grave

I guess the point of all the D&G, John Varvatos, Casare Paciotti, etc. ads for stuff I will never buy is to cause the viewer to go, "What? Wait. Ummm. That's disturbing. Disturbingly artistic. Artistically disturbed. Nice photo of a weird situation. Unexplainable. I'll bet those clothes (shoes, jewelry) are expensive."

That's all it says to me. I see an ad like this, and I know I can't afford to play in this store. And I really hate it when a nice, storied brand gets taken into the realm of ultra-hip fashion. Example: Converse's Chuck Taylors were not meant to be expensive, designer shoes. But if they have John Varvatos' name on them, they double in price. And they get pictured in such bizare situations as the woman on the park picnic table holding a gallon of water as she's molested by a reject from a Clash cover band. She emits a jet of water from her lips while a hapless third member of the party apparently ruins the burgers in the background. Someone has written "sexy mess" on the picnic table bench. The copywriter worked hard on that line: Get Chucked.

Yeah? Chuck you, John Varvatos.

Chuck Taylors are eternallly cool. They've been in fashion, in one way or another, since the 1930s. But the fashion-conscious shallownistas can wear them now without feeling like they're slumming.

Mr. Varvatos, you are too artistic [expensive] for me. I just want normal Chuck Taylors. I'd prefer they not be associated with you.