Banners That Catch Your Eye

Not that you're likely to click on them, but they do half the job.

WINNER! Best Handmade Corner Sign in The Down Economy

Everyone else just says "We Pay Cash for Your House," or "I'll Buy Your House - CASH." I love the innovation of this local shark, looking to help you out of your personal financial crisis.

The Fundmentals of Our Economy are Strong

So quit your whining, ya big babies. It's all in your heads. Fear and Greed brought us this far, and they won't let us down this time. But now is no time for fear. Get greedy.

It's also called "consumer confidence."

You Don't Know What You've Got 'Till It's Gone

Remember all the creepy Dancing Banners for Lowermybills.com? They were pretty awesome in hindsight. Jennifer Uhll, creator of the ads, stopped by Where's My Jetpack not long ago to defend her work. She was very nice in the face of people commenting not only that they hated her and her 80s big hair, but that she should burn in Hell for what she did for banner ads.

I miss Jennifer's work now, because here's the latest from Lower My Bills, found at the New York Post. A tarantula climbs a woman's breast in this animation. When it reaches her shoulder, she convulses in cartoonish horror. Wow. Where do I sign the loan papers?

Yes, it caught my eye. But really, is that all that matters?

Probably. Sometime soon we'll be hearing about how this was LowerMyBills 2nd most successful banner campaign, right behind "Dancing Rooftop Couple."

Half Off! Super Bargain Basement Price!

This one won't last! 13 bedrooms, 10 full baths, 12 fireplaces! Lighted tennis court, pool with pool house, stables, movie theatre and so much more.

Located on 6 beautifully manicured acres in the highly sought-after community of McLean, Virginia, this stunning colonial, perfect for entertaining, was originally offered at $25 million in 2003. The housing market’s downturn is your good fortune, as the price is now reduced to just $12.5 million. Take a tour now!

Disclaimer: Previous two owners were assassinated.

The recent media giant group mutiple orgasm over Ted Kennedy’s endorsement, crowning and genuflecting before Jesus Obama is what led me to stumble upon this as I was taking a quick refresher course in Kennedology.

One Family's Ruin is Your Opportunity!

My generous local paper's website, alllowing me to search foreclosure listings for FREE! (I went there trying to grab a screenshot of a banner ad in which they failed to Photoshop out the iStockPhoto watermark from the picture they stole. I mean, we've all done it, right? But most of us know to hide the watermark.)

Rock On, Wachovia!

This is from the homepage of wachovia.com, where I bank. Acoustic-playing, Army-jacket, ripped- jean, Chuck Taylor-wearing Rockerman is EXCITED about Wachovia's fixed rate mortgage loans. In fact, he's so pumped, he might just write a song about how his old adjustable rate mortgage was taking food out of his baby's mouth while The Man was getting rich and fat keeping him down.

Which reminds me; if I read one more sycophantic review of Springsteen's latest upchucking of pseudo-Americana, I'm going to...I don't what I'm going to do. But Springsteen releasing another buttload of whiny working-man, stop-the-war, what-happened-to-my-country songs is not worthy of the Google News homepage for 2 weeks. You're not the Boss of me, Bruce.

Yes, I am aware that the Springsteen Army is vast and vehement. Bring it on. You can't make me worship him. And I'm no less an American if I don't. If we have to choose a preacher of the singer-songwriter variety to be the spokesperson for our Collective National Angst, I'll take Canadian Neil Young any day.

Embrace the Suck

Bad writing + bad voiceover = bad commercial.

Thanks to a local radio guy who forwarded me the MP3, I can now share with you the pain I endure as I hear this spot about four times a day. I'm a sadist that way, I know. But you'll love it. Trust me.

See if what I told you last week about this horrendous commercial isn't true. Listen as Michelle and Zack discuss their horrible financial situations and how Patriot Financial was able to help them with a mortgage.



Can't you tell that Michelle and Zack are almost sure to default on their new loans?

Echoes With the Sounds of Salesmen

The Award for Worst Radio Ad Campaign for the Summer of 2007 goes to Patriot Financial, a mortgage broker. Patriot "was formed in October 2001, shortly after the tragic events of 9/11. The spirit of America's patriotism was the inspiration and motivation for our company and our corporate name." Wow. I'm sold on them now. That's some serious integrity there. These three goateed gentlemen are Zach, Jason and Clinton, and they comprise the Executive Staff of Patriot Financial.

The spots in question utilize the fake conversation format, where two office mates are talking and one of them wants to "pick the brain" of the other about his recent refinance. He glowingly describes his great fortune in finding Patriot. His female coworker wonders if he has a phone number for Patriot. Why of course he does, and he even remembers it. She repeats it to him as a question. He confirms her question by repeating the number again. Then, a horrendous jingle comes on in which the phone number is repeated in song, with what sounds like a child's off-key xylophone accompanying the singers.

If you live in a state where Patriot is doing business, I'm sure you share my pain. I have no doubt they are doing this for a reason, and they can likely cite stats that show people came to them via their radio ads. That's wonderful. But it was hatred for radio like this that made me pursue a career in production and commercial writing. If anyone knows where I can find these ads online, I'd love to share them with readers of this blog, just so you can cringe in horror with me. I'm a sadist that way, I guess.