Be a Tea Bag Designer in Your Spare Time

A career with a promising future in today's America is banner ad designer for the right wing mob. I just threw this one together in about five minutes. I think it says everything they want me to say.

I love how the mob yells, "Do you want the government deciding who your doctor is? Do you want the government deciding what procedures you can get?"

Well, right now United Healthcare decides those things for me...at an exorbitant rate.

Or this is one of their favorites: "What has the government ever run right?"

Aren't these the same folks that love "our men and women in uniform" more than you or me? I'm pretty sure they'd have a hard time saying the military, a government entity, is shoddily run.

Now I need to make one showing him as the foreign-born Muslim prince boy, puppet of the Illuminati, destroyer of all we hold dear. Crushing baby skulls and lifting the dress of Lady Liberty while he urinates on Old Glory. Yeah.

Simple Weight Loss in the New Economy

About 8 years ago, I invented a very simple and effective diet/health regimen. I called it "Poverty" and I lost all kinds of weight. It was AWESOME. I'll give you the basics here and you can try it. If it works for you, send me some cash.

• Eat only when you're really, really hungry
• Turn a normal sandwich into two meals by cutting it in half
• Ride a bicycle everywhere you go, regardless of the weather

That's about it. Lemme know how it goes!

I was inspired to reveal my weight loss secrets by seeing this fat lady turned not-so-fat lady banner ad. She looks pretty healthy now. (Thanks to the Photoshop "make me skinny" filter, notes a commenter.) There's nothing like a visual testimonial.