Guinness Denounced the Ad, Embraces the Notoriety

I saw a Guinness ad during a football game and went looking for it on YouTube and on the Guinness site. Couldn't find it. Nicely shot close-up from an in-the-glass perspective of beer being poured, but with a lame and taunting tagline that said something to the effect of "Maybe it's not for you." You're right, Guinness. It's not for me. And your attempt to make me feel like I'm not worthy of your beer didn't work. You're not the Marines. You're a thick beer. If I want to feel as though I've ingested a loaf of dark bread I'll just toss some pumpernickel in a blender with a couple shots of whiskey and get the same effect. But in my searching for this ad I think I may have uncovered a little bit of "wink-wink, we're so naughty" on the part of Guinness.

You may remember a couple years ago when some director released what he called a "banned Guinness ad." It was a spec piece, hoping to catch the attention of the Irish brew maker. It was during those naïve days of the late summer of '08, when the words "banned commercial" on your upload were a sure ticket to viral success, back before people realized there was no such thing as a banned commercial. It caught plenty of attention, but mostly from angry people who objected to the objectification of women. In the ad, a woman is used as a human coaster, her body gently rocking back and forth. We see only her mid-section while three separate hands reach for the bottle, presumably take a swig, then return it to her undulating form, the bottle staying balanced in the small of her back. Clearly she's supposed to be in the throes of a four-way, though she appears lifeless and limp.* Guinness and its agency were very quick to denounce the ad, saying,

Guinness is in no way associated with this video, and approached YouTube to have it removed. We are proud of our brands, and our commitment to responsible marketing, and this is not how we want our brand portrayed.

Fine. Nice job. Appropriate PR move. Nevermind that the ad is back on YouTube, with 1.5 million views this time around.

Also, nevermind that for sale at the Guinness store for $25 is the CD, "Music From the TV Ads." The cover art, with its pronounced line of beauty S-shape, bears a striking resemblance to the shape prominently featured in the "banned" spot.

I'm sure Guinness will claim this is merely the top of the harp that serves as their logo.

* Which reminds me of a joke. Use your mouse to highlight the invisible text below.

What's the difference between spaghetti and a sorority girl?

Spaghetti moves when you eat it. 

A Picture. A Thousand Words.

Having just completed a freelance assignment wherein I had to edit and organize a 24-page brochure, (I overestimated my time at 12 hours and delivered in a mere four, once again failing to master the subtle art of milking a job) I am now in need of a writing exercise. So I will write exactly 1000 words about the image found within the text below.


Back in the old days, there was apparently some sort of union of beer makers that promoted the general consumption of beer - any American beer - so long as you drank beer. Their true and main purpose was lobbying. They kept pressure on Congress to limit the taxation of beer. Like any good lobbying organization, they kept their constituency riled up for the fight. “Beer is your right. It is your God-given inheritance as a freeman of these great United States. You should enjoy it in health, just as Benjamin Franklin and Samuel Adams did.” (Historical note: It is said that none other than George Washington would ply voters with “strong beer.”)

The Association would place full-page ads in popular periodicals showing how much better life is when you have plenty of beer on hand. The organization operated much like the American Dairy Association, which doesn’t care what brand of milk you drink, just please support the dairy industry. The brewers were a cooperative lot in those days. During World War I, “the income tax replaced liquor taxes as the primary source of federal revenue,” and after promoting their beverage for over a hundred years - with a brief intermission during Prohibition - the Association disbanded in 1986. So apparently we can thank the lobbying efforts of this organization for limiting taxes on beer, but giving the government nowhere else to turn but to your income for money. That thought saddens me, making me want to drink a lot of beer right now.

This ad from the Association, apparently from the 1950s, gives us a whole lot to look at, with plenty of suggestions as to what is transpiring during this magical afternoon in a suburban garden that has been interrupted by a sudden spring shower. Like many great illustrations of that period, it tells a story, making you look deeper, inviting you to draw your own conclusions and assign your own roles to the players.

1) “Let’s just sit awhile.” The copy suggests that the beer said that. I doubt it. One of these two middle-aged planters uttered that phrase as the rain came down.

2) The “blocks of primary colors” style of décor, popular in the day, suggests that whoever lives here, likely the woman, is a person of taste, up with the times, her off-the-patio gardening room a pre-Ikea shrine to fastidious organization.

3) The illustrator has added what appear to be some cryptic writing and a drawing above the hanging yard implements in the gardening room. This is probably a hidden message known only to him and the copywriter. (I say “him” only because men dominated the field in those days.)

4) This last block of copy is awesome, making no bones about its call to action: “Wouldn’t you like a refreshing glass of beer or ale – say, right now?” Stop what you’re doing and go get some beer!

5) It was no oversight on the part of the artist not to include a wedding band on the woman. This is meant to intrigue you, leaving you to wonder why a woman of her age is not married. Divorced? Widowed? A professional who hasn’t wanted to “settle down” yet, despite all her sorority sisters having done so a decade and a half ago? You make your own story.

6) It has been raining long enough that the wheelbarrow is overflowing with water. Either this little party has been going on for some time or this is a freak storm that the couple isn’t really freaking out about.

7) Jim, or Ted, or Mike or Jack - some generic Anglo name of the day – is making it clear that he’s had a tough day and this beer is really what he needed, and perhaps a shoulder rub, if the lady would be so kind as to please take the hint.

8) Again, we are promoting any beer – green bottle, brown bottle, labels facing away from us – doesn’t matter, just drink any American beer. The lady keeps plenty of varieties on hand for occasions such as this.

9) I am not positive, but a tight zoom-in on the man’s wristwatch seems to indicate that the little hand is on the 12, big hand about 10 past. As long as it’s after noon, it’s beer time. Quit thinking of 5:00 PM as the time to drink. That was meant for wine and spirits. We’re talking beer here. Besides, this is probably Saturday or Sunday and you can have beer for breakfast on those days.

10) Again, the couple has been out here for some time, the cheese starting to curl and brown in the heat. They are too involved in this beer-drinking respite to have even bothered eating the cheese and crackers.

11) Sanitation be damned. These folks are in a party mood. They will throw caution to the wind and lay their dirty implements and gloves on the table with the cheese and crackers. They will also likely forgo the use of birth control later.

12) In order to be able to read the copy, the illustrator was asked not to color in the feet and the area under the table. Today they would just dial back the opacity or desaturate this section of the photograph, but this style shows you the art behind the work and was a trendy technique used by many illustrators of the period.

13) The drinking couple are getting flirtatious, her foot under his chair. And while we can’t see his left foot, it would appear from here that it is under her right knee, likely touching. Beer helps subordinate the inhibitions, the social lubricant that can turn an afternoon of gardening into a rainy-day romp in the sheets.

14) “America’s Beverage of Moderation” was how they used to say “Drink Responsibly.” I like their version better because it’s far more subtle and undemanding.

15) A nice little panel shows the American beer drinker that the brewers would prefer that you enjoy a foamy head on your beer. “Tastes even better that way!” Don’t tilt the glass.

(Word count: 1000)

I'm On a Horse... Playing Jai Alai in the Himalayas

Click it, won't you?

I Think They Called it an "Icebox"

I'm a big fan of the oddly juxtaposed, the weird and off the wall, which is why when coming across this image for a 1950 refrigerator in an old copy of LIFE magazine over at Google Books, I felt the need to stock the fridge with beer. I don't know, just something about a bunch of proper ladies playing bridge and getting excited about binge drinking pleases me. It was kind of sad to imagine the original intent of the ad, where these ladies were interrupting their bridge game to get all excited about a new refrigerator. I assume it was bridge anyway, because ladies of that era were not allowed to play anything else.

I tried and tried to come up with a caption for this, but other than some sort of reference to the ladies loving a good stallion, I came up empty. I'm sure there are creative minds out there that can deliver a good line for this. Then we sell it to Rolling Rock and start our own shop. Or not. Whatever.

Keith Stone: The Smoothest Slacker in the Neighborhood

Taking a cue from what "The Most Interesting Man in the World" did for Dos Equis, Keystone gives us a hero for a younger crowd. The director told the actor, "Need you to be Jack Black, with that over-the-top, deadpan confidence, smarmy and funny all at once," and the guy executed the role well. Many great moments in this :30, from, "Hold my stones," to the revelation of what it is he's rescuing from the tree. The guy even wears a Member's Only^TM style jacket. A nice effort for a beer that many regard as piss. But that's what advertising is about in many cases; putting a glossy coat of paint on something that is sub-par and getting guys to buy it. I can hear "Hold my stones" being repeated at many a frat party.

Friday is Just Like Any Other Day Lately

Life on the dole is a curious existence. On the one hand, you desperately search for gainful employment, while on the other, you have time to do things you didn't have time for when you were driving one hour one-way to sit in a generic office building in a cube, pumping out copy for taskmasters more suited to pushing a broom in a warehouse than making strategic marketing decisions. (And even then, I'm not sure I would trust them to sweep correctly.) Here's some of what I've been up to.

Presented a series of logos to a Jacksonville-based company, which is funny, because I'm not a designer. They actually loved one and are already using it on their in-development, internal site. I didn't charge them, since they're friends. And yes, I impressed them with the much-maligned (and deservedly so) faded reflection feature. 

Went on a job interview down in Tampa. Met with the lead person, who said, "My team would like to sit with you and discuss some things." In walked 11 people, who proceeded to tell me about the company and pepper me with questions such as, "What superpower do you wish you had?" "What animal would you be?" and "Pirate or Ninja?" (I swear.)

Took delivery of a 50" Sanyo Plasma. (Long story, but it was a prize.) This thing is imposing. Our "old" TV is now in the bedroom, a 42" Sony Bravia. I am now Winston Smith from 1984, trying to escape the giant visages screaming at me about healthcare reform from every room.

Presented a very cool idea to my favorite grocery chain. It was received well and is now being passed up the ladder, where it will likely meet its death in committee. Currently it remains a secret, but if and when they adopt it, I will be its loudest and most constant promoter, to the point that you will say, "I wish he'd shut the hell up about that stupid f-ing grocery chain." I made the pitch in Powerpoint - and yes - I am ashamed of that.

Got an up-close, inside look into how homeowner's insurance works. Basically, you make a claim, based on the recommendation of a professional whose job it is to determine these things, and then you watch as the insurance company spends thousands of dollars to fight your claim. I understand the need on their part to guard against fraudulent claims, but when you approach a long-standing policy holder as someone trying to get one over on you, then you pretty much suck in the customer service area. Are you in good hands? Now there's a feel-good slogan that doesn't mean a damn thing. Fuck you, All-State.

Went to a home-brew party at the neighbors'. They're Americanized Brits, the husband being some sort of mad-scientist for a defense contractor. I think he makes lasers that shoot out of cats' eyes. He also makes a great beer, or three. I came up with about six names for his concoctions with accompanying label designs, which again is funny, because I'm not a designer. But to a physicist like my neighbor, if you're "in advertising," then you can do that thing with The Photoshop, right? And when a physicist tackles a hobby like home-brewing, the results are very impressive. I am pushing him to "Take it to the Next Level!"

Added actual ads to this site. Am I a sell out? Yes, but it doesn't pay off until you have actual traffic. 150 visitors a day is not going to fetch me any serious coin. Also added a "featured video" in the sidebar, which will rotate with stuff from my YouTube account when I get around to it.

I have been living like a European, riding my bike each day to the market and loading up an old child carrier / trailer I found on Craigslist with the day's groceries and the evening's dinner. So far, no stalks of celery or baguettes sticking up out of the bags in that grocery cliché seen in the movies. I'm even using those damned reusable canvas grocery bags. I justify this disgusting transformation in me as "exercise with a purpose." We need groceries and I need exercise. Ya know, two birds. I'm sure people think I'm being "green," when actually I'm just trying to get in shape for the Apocalypse.

It is estimated that as many as 75% of American homes have within them a guitar. Granted, that guitar may be stringless and in the attic, but it is still there. It is also estimated that as many as 80% of all American males have attempted at one time to learn to play the guitar*. I knew how not long ago, but life has a tendency to get in the way of such luxuries. Dusted off the dobro and greased the strings, trying to remember where to put my fingers to make it sing like it used to.

* Both estimates based on pure fantasy with no data to prove them.

Who Wants to Start a Brewery?

Or at least get an existing brewery to pick up a new brand. New World Beer. (Not to be confused with a home brew strain by the same name.)

Taste? What does taste have to do with anything? You gonna tell me Dos Equis is a great beer? 'Course it ain't. But it's got a great campaign behind it. I think I have a good name for a brew here, in honor of the guy who planted a flag in the Dominican Republic a few centuries ago. We can mess with the label art and all that, of course. And once we've got all the REAL work done, THEN we make a beer that isn't half bad and we tell everyone it's awesome, will make them cool, get them laid and define their lives.

mas grande

Good Customer Service is Just an Email Away

The Germans are proud of their beer. The world is proud of Germany’s beer. The gods of wine and beer are proud of Germany’s beer. And many little towns across Germany have their own breweries. The smallest, most dilapidated brewery in Germany could still make a better beer than any giant beer corporation in the U.S. The Germans were making beer long before Columbus was even born, and long before he had ever approached Ferdinand and Isabella about the possibility of sailing west. The King and Queen probably sent Columbus off with his ships' holds full of German beer. At Columbus' farewell party, it is rumored that the following conversation was overheard.

“Ahhh, those Germans. Their beer is good, yes my queen?”

“The best, Ferdinand. The best. Ahhh…there he is, the guest of honour. Chris! Come here, I bid you.”

“Your Grace,” he bowed, “I must declare again how deeply indebted I am to the mercy and benevolence of your Worship, to that of the King as well, for bestowing upon me the great honour of sailing on this journey for the noble and righteous flag of Spain.”

“Right." Isabella was tipsy and not in the mood for Chris' sycophantic groveling. She held up a brown bottle. "Chris, do they have beer like this in Italy?”

“No, Your Highness. The Germans have a way.”

“Very well then, you shall have a case of German beer aboard all of your ships for the merriment of your officers and crew.”

“Your charity is most highly treasured by me, your humble servant. Can we make it a couple of cases, Your Majesty?”

Many years ago, in that faraway land, I had the fortune of being able to drink beer at the age of 14. Some may consider that a misfortune, but in a country where they give babies beer, it was no big thing. All of us underage Americans drank beer, and to misquote the Most Interesting Man in The World, "We didn't always drink beer, but when we did, we preferred Licher." (Licher's not-so-cool slogan, "From the heart of nature" is weak, but they've stuck with it for decades, which says something for consistency, I suppose.)

I've trolled the beer forums and found countless people pining for this brand, to include soldiers who were stationed in the region where Licher is made as far back as the early 60s. They leave comments like "Why isn't this beer in the US???? The best beer in the world and it's not in the US. Wish I can get some now," and similar whining. A few have found a bottle or two in New Jersey, but only of the wheat variety. Others had said, "No use contacting them on their website, they don't respond." I thought I should test that assertion.

So I went to Licher's website and found the "Kontakt" form and sent them a kind note, suggesting that they might make millions of dollars in the US beer market. The rumors that Licher does not respond to web inquiries are false, or maybe you just have to know how to kiss ass. I peppered my query with words like, "Surely you are aware of the popularity of your beer here in America," and "People are upset that they cannot obtain this world class beer here," and I told them they might be missing out on monstrous monetizing opportunities. That was sent last Thursday. Today in my inbox I have a reply.

Dear Dave,

Thank you very much for your mail and interest in Licher beer.

The Licher Brewery belongs to the Bitburger Brewing Group and the export business is all coordinated from Bitburg. Your e-mail was forwarded to me from the Licher Brewery.

Unfortunately we are not yet represented in the States with Licher Beer. We have plans to introduce Licher Pils beer in the near future but the negotiations are not yet finalized.

As soon as I have some more news I will let you know.

Kind regards,

Margit Mertes

And a hearty 'Danke schön' to Ms. Mertes for her prompt response, and nice job on the part of Licher to get my email into the appropriate hands. I trust we are on our way toward a healthy trade with the Bitburger Brewing Group. I don't know what sorts of red-tape are holding things up, but surely we can cut through this nonsense quickly. We have proven demand.

I like what Licher is doing with their brand. They have a balloon. They have a very nice online shop. (No sales outside of Germany, sadly.) They're sponsoring some sort of Festival in June. They of course have downloadable icons and sounds. (No, they aren't on Twitter yet.) I'm sure it's only a matter of time before they figure out how to get some of their fine product over here and really start raking in some cash. If anyone wants to help, we can start our own social media beer lobby and begin pressuring Licher to start moving on this. Or you can go to Licher's kontakt form and say "I'm hearing great things about Licher Bier. Why can't I have some in the US?"

Or maybe I'll just become a beer distributor. Cancel those as-yet-finalized negotiations, Margit. I can move this product for you.

Heineken Does It a Little Better This Time

Remember Heineken's "Share the Good" campaign? You don't? That's because they let it die very quickly. Why did they let it die so quickly? Because it was stupid. Because it sucked. Because they couldn't decide what it meant. Were we being asked to share a Heineken or clean up a park in a bad part of town? It was trying so hard and failing. It wanted to be a religion in the way Liberty Mutual wants you to pick up trash and save strangers from getting run over by cars.

So the geniuses at Heineken asked themselves, "What are we selling?"

Someone in the room replied, "Beer!"

To which a creative director said, "No, more than that."

The same person said, "Heineken t-shirts? Merchandise?"

"Get out!" screamed the creative director.

An intern timidly offered, "An experience? A relationship with the brand?"

"Yes!" said the creative director, "But more than that! What kind of an experience? What kind of relationship?" He walked to her side of the table and got in her face, imploring the young intern to give him the answer he wanted.

"A drunken experience? A night you can't remember?" She hoped her answer was the one he was looking for.

"Exactly!" he shouted as he spun around, pointing to the intern as the rest of the creative team gave her dirty looks.

"We're selling getting drunk! We're selling a good time! Now why on earth would we do anything else in the 'do gooder' category other than 'Don't drink and drive'?"

The team looked thoughtful and pretended to write notes.

"Which one of you clowns came up with 'Share the Good'?" he scanned the room.

"I did," said a thirty-something woman in black glasses, "And you thought it was awesome."

Guest Blogger: Joe Sixpack

Hey, Wassup:

Hijacking this commie blog for a minute to give you the goods on Hero John McCain and your boy Barack Hussein Obama. (And I don't mean "boy" in the way you aren't allowed to call a black man "boy." I call everyone "Boy," so shut up.)

Everyone wants to talk about Joe Sixpack. Personally, that's an insult. If anything, I'm Joe Twelvepack or Joe Case, but whatever. I get it. It's this imaginary dude who works for a living at something tough like welding or construction and then he drinks after work. He works hard, loves his family and maybe hunts some. Likes to have fun. Ain't a racist, but don't force him into some damn busing program. Probably owns a gun or two. They used to call him Joe Lunchbucket, but the fast food industry kinda did away with the lunchbucket. We see a guy at work with a lunchbucket and we call him a fag. To his face. We're joking of course. Not supposed to be mean to fags anymore. I've never had a problem with lesbians, that's pretty cool, but fags, I don't want to talk about it.

So anyways, I'm that guy they're courting, and I'm here to break down the candidates and their drinking.

Up first, Barack Hussein Obama.Beer from a glass. Need I say more? The little guy he's drinking with understands how it's done, but Obama's some kind of elitist with his fancy glass. And I'll bet that's some gay beer from one of those "microbreweries" and it's full of orange peels and cinnamon and shit your wife puts in a bowl on the bathroom counter to make it smell pretty. Wonder where this little party is being held? Could it be Bill Ayers living room?

Next: Senator John McCain of Arizona, former POW and Maverick.

OK, I searched a long time for a picture of McCain holding a beer and I can't find one. But that's cool. He's sending that message to the kids that we need to drink responsibly. He's so responsible in his drinking, you can't even find a picture of him drinking! That is some major maverick shit right there. But I did find the next best thing. Here's McCain with Dale Jr., who raced for Budweiser, and Cindy McCain owns a Bud distributorship. And she's hot. Not as hot as Palin, but still, it shows what McCain is about. Hot chicks, free beer from your wife and racing. What's not to like in the guy?

Winner in a landslide: McCain!

By the way, if you're planning on voting in the election, think about this: who would you rather have a beer with? And if you say Obama, here's one more picture for you. This is your candidate at some kind of girly tea party and he's got a little baby girl glass of fancy fag beer and he's making a toast with these ladies to France or some other socialist bullshit place he wants to turn us into.

This race should've been over months ago.

Somewhere a Mexican Bartender Wants His Royalties

Who knows how it started? My guess is it was down at Rosarito Beach in Baja, back in the days when you could eat lobster, rice and beans all night and drink like a king for next to nothing. The beachside bartender stuck a lime in a Corona for some underage surfer girl who didn't like the taste of sub-par Mexican beer. She went, "OHMIGAWD! This is RAD!" and proceeded to get drunk.

Fast forward a couple decades. Corona, a beer once considered human urine by Americans is now a major player. Its brand is fun and firmly established. And now the big American breweries (Miller, Bud) have to create a lime-infused beer in a lame game of catch-up.

I'd hate to have to work on that account.

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