Joe The Plumber - The Real Story

Thank God for YouTube. Here's the full "confrontation" between Joe The Plumber and Barack Obama. Sean Hannity will never let you see this.



There goes your "socialist" argument, Right Wing Propagandists. For almost six minutes, Obama explains to Joe The Plumber the intricacies of his tax plan. It's long and boring, but it shows how insane this campaign has become, where the phrase "spread the wealth around" is lifted to prove that Obama is a Commie.

Gimme a fuckin' break.

Straight Talk, my ass, Johnny. You're a sad, little shadow of the imaginary character you used to pretend to be.

Guest Blogger: Joe Sixpack

Hey, Wassup:

Hijacking this commie blog for a minute to give you the goods on Hero John McCain and your boy Barack Hussein Obama. (And I don't mean "boy" in the way you aren't allowed to call a black man "boy." I call everyone "Boy," so shut up.)

Everyone wants to talk about Joe Sixpack. Personally, that's an insult. If anything, I'm Joe Twelvepack or Joe Case, but whatever. I get it. It's this imaginary dude who works for a living at something tough like welding or construction and then he drinks after work. He works hard, loves his family and maybe hunts some. Likes to have fun. Ain't a racist, but don't force him into some damn busing program. Probably owns a gun or two. They used to call him Joe Lunchbucket, but the fast food industry kinda did away with the lunchbucket. We see a guy at work with a lunchbucket and we call him a fag. To his face. We're joking of course. Not supposed to be mean to fags anymore. I've never had a problem with lesbians, that's pretty cool, but fags, I don't want to talk about it.

So anyways, I'm that guy they're courting, and I'm here to break down the candidates and their drinking.

Up first, Barack Hussein Obama.Beer from a glass. Need I say more? The little guy he's drinking with understands how it's done, but Obama's some kind of elitist with his fancy glass. And I'll bet that's some gay beer from one of those "microbreweries" and it's full of orange peels and cinnamon and shit your wife puts in a bowl on the bathroom counter to make it smell pretty. Wonder where this little party is being held? Could it be Bill Ayers living room?

Next: Senator John McCain of Arizona, former POW and Maverick.

OK, I searched a long time for a picture of McCain holding a beer and I can't find one. But that's cool. He's sending that message to the kids that we need to drink responsibly. He's so responsible in his drinking, you can't even find a picture of him drinking! That is some major maverick shit right there. But I did find the next best thing. Here's McCain with Dale Jr., who raced for Budweiser, and Cindy McCain owns a Bud distributorship. And she's hot. Not as hot as Palin, but still, it shows what McCain is about. Hot chicks, free beer from your wife and racing. What's not to like in the guy?

Winner in a landslide: McCain!

By the way, if you're planning on voting in the election, think about this: who would you rather have a beer with? And if you say Obama, here's one more picture for you. This is your candidate at some kind of girly tea party and he's got a little baby girl glass of fancy fag beer and he's making a toast with these ladies to France or some other socialist bullshit place he wants to turn us into.

This race should've been over months ago.

Diplomacy is for Pussies (Post # 888)

Someday soon, John McCain will be able to execute a Google without the assistance of his aides. Meantime, his aides are hard at work asking you thoughtful questions via banner "polls."

As you might expect, if you answer "Yes" on this banner, it takes you to the same place that answering "No" does - which is, as you might expect, a place to donate money to a man who would sooner bomb the Iranians than meet with them.

Got to fix this banner.

Yes. Much better.

B-Rock Wants to Meet You BACKSTAGE

It's getting a little too close to Celebrity Superstar Madness over in Obamaland. But at least it's out in the open now. With this candidate, we can finally put to rest the archaic notion that electing a president is based on policy and issues. It is nothing more than a popularity contest. We know how it works by now: they all lie, they all make promises they won't keep, they all attack each other unfairly, they all have shady associations, they all pretend to be in touch. Starting with Kennedy vs Nixon in 1960, it comes down to who reads a teleprompter better, who has better speech writers and who looks better in pictures. The McCain camp knows they are going to get their asses kicked hard in this charisma/charm contest.

Usually we are forced to choose between the least uncharismatic of the two candidates. This year we've got The Smiling King of Charisma vs The Old Man Who Yells "Get Off My Lawn" at The Neighbor Kids. And if a charismatic leader can get into the Oval Office, the hope is that he or she will lead through sheer charm. That's a big hope, but Reagan pulled it off.

The following is from the campaign's headquarters, who've just announced that Obama will deliver his acceptance speech not in the convention hall, but in a 75,000 seat football stadium:

"If you make a donation of $5 or more between now and midnight on July 31st, you could be one of 10 supporters chosen to fly to Denver and spend two days and nights at the convention, meet Barack backstage, and watch his acceptance speech in person."

That seems more suited to a teen idol than it does a serious contender for the presidency. Then again, we've never had a serious contender for the presidency who was also a teen idol.

Somewhere right now is a film crew putting together what will be a very moving piece about the rise of Obama. They have full access and the best equipment. They're getting candid backstage moments and private conversations in hotel elevators. The editing will include plenty of slo-mo and cool music, crowd shots and mini-crises in real time. It's almost done. After the acceptance speech in Denver, they just need to tack on the election night celebration footage and run the credits.

You'll be able to own the DVD by Christmas.

If I could stick a knife in my heart
Suicide right on stage
Would it be enough for your teenage lust?
Would it help to ease the pain? Ease your brain?

Maybe He'll Toss You a Guitar Pick

John McCain is heading to Mexico and Columbia to scavenge for respect among Hispanics, hoping to secure a stronghold among that powerful block of voters. Barack Obama will set off for Europe and the Middle East in mid-July to try to show that he’s got foreign policy skills. If international polling is any indication, and there’s no reason to think it shouldn't be, Obama is going to be a monster rockstar on this tour. His camp is said to be trying to avoid the huge crowds he drew here, but I think they should just run with it. Let it be what it is; an unexplainable phenomenon.

I read and hear the word “brand” used in association with political parties and politicians every day of late. It’s become the buzzword du jour among the talking heads who don’t really know what they’re saying. Hannity or Colmes are not branding experts. They are talking-point regurgitators. But Obama’s brand, while suffering some recent tarnishing around the edges here in the states, is about to get a major boost as the crowds will come out in force overseas, an image that will get wide play back here, further infuriating the right wing and reigniting their talk of “cult” and “messiah.” Even more frustrating for them will be images of hundreds or thousands of American soldiers and Marines in Iraq eager to shake Obama's hand.

If they insist on talking about brands, here’s a good analogy: Obama is The Rolling Stones or U2, selling out the O2 arena in London for consecutive nights. McCain is Merv and The Mellotones, playing to a small crowd of business travelers Tuesday through Thursday in the lounge at the Springfield Regional Airport Holiday Inn.

Candidate Logo Comparison

Austere. Serious. We're at war and there is one thing you need to understand: I've been in a war. McCain's logo is all about reminding you of his military service, starting with Navy blue and gold. From there, however, he reminds you of what was wrong with his military career. In an almost sad reminder to himself that he never achieved the rank of admiral like his father and grandfather before him, he awards himself that star. Then, he adorns the star with what could be considered wings, reminding us that he was a pilot, a pilot who graduated fifth to last in his class at Annapolis, not usually a place from which the Navy selects its flight school candidates. Unless your dad and grandpa are admirals.Obama's logo wants you to dream of a new land, an Oz-like landscape where farms produce patriotic foods and the dawn breaks like a sunny-side-up egg on the horizon. Obama's logo is a healthy breakfast of eggs and bacon. It is also doubles as an "O". He wisely uses red, white and blue, letting you know that even though he doesn't wear a flag pin, he thinks the colors are cool. He borrows slightly from the Bank of America logo, turning the stripes of the flag into a farm field. Obama's logo could double as a logo for some organic food packaging, with only slight color modifications to pale greens and tans.

Thanks to Thom Dinsdale for pointing out in the comments the web addresses, which I deleted from Obama's logo in the original post. To McCain's credit, he gets the long-ago accepted standardization of eliminating "www" from his URL. It's pretty well understood these days that ".com" means we are to go online.

Yes, She Went There

Click it, por favor

UPDATE: Ah, damn. I was right.

There Are Two Kinds of People in This World

As Hillary Clinton continues to destroy everything in her path in pursuit of power, it is sad and sickening to watch the final death throes of her campaign. It’s like the Wicked Witch’s last scene in The Wizard of Oz. The shock on her face as Dorothy throws the bucket of water, then the shrieks and hissing as she melts down to her hat and cloak. (Did I just call Hillary Clinton a witch? Absolutely. And that makes me no more a misogynist than calling Bush a chimp makes me a zoo keeper.)

About a week ago, I almost felt pity for her. “She fought hard,” I lied to myself. “She certainly has grit and stamina,” I justified. Then my mind was suddenly liberated from that demonic reasoning and I recalled the despicable tactics, the rule-changing in mid-game, the charge that anyone who isn’t a Hillary supporter is sexist and the countless other shameful acts she and her husband have shown us this political season. Now she insists that letting her have her way, giving her the presidency she so desperately wants, so in her heart believed was hers, is on the same moral plane as the abolition of slavery, the civil rights movement or women’s suffrage. And her die-hard legion of cultists truly believe “She cares about ME.” No, she doesn’t. She cares about nothing and no one but herself. If the states that went for her opponent don’t matter and the rules don’t matter, YOU sure as hell don’t matter.

Smile, point and wave. At invisible people on the tarmac.

As she now brazenly lies and cheats, she is turning our already ugly politics on its hideous head. She is spitting and shitting on us, and telling us while she does so that it’s for our own good. Thank you, Queen Hillary. May I have a towel? Maybe she actually is mad, as in crazy, as some suggest. I think she’s merely soulless.

But if she were my mother or sister or aunt, I’d probably try to avoid her phone calls and maybe gently suggest she seek counseling and medication. If she were my wife, I’d have divorced her years ago. Take the house, take half my money. Hell, take it all! Please, just go. If Obama picks her as his running mate, he’s a tool and a fool. Is America ready for a female president? Stupid question. Quit asking. Of course we are. But America will never be ready for Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Now, for the other kind of person in this world.

Grace Moon, a 6th grader from California, won Google’s Doodle 4 Google competition. She came up with this very cheerful design. Here’s Grace’s explanation: My doodle, "Up in the Clouds," expresses a world in the sky. This new world is clean and fresh, and people are social and enlightened. Every person here is treated as family no matter who they are. The bright sun heats this ideal place with warmth, love, and brightens everyone's day.

I will not throw dark clouds at your sunny vision, Grace. But you show beyond-your-years insight by explaining that this world you’ve created with your art is in the sky. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Very nice. A+.

And Now, A National Snapshot

I've noticed that the talking heads and political pundits are multiplying on TV. There are a dozen on every news show, and they all parrot each other. I've watched enough that I think I now qualify as a talking head and political pundit on TV.

My turn:

• Blacks who voted for Clinton in 92 or 96 and who attend church favor Obama by 90%.
• Blacks who voted for Bush in 92 or Dole in 96 and don’t attend church are really hard to find, but they favor Obama by 90%.
• Blacks who think Obama was uncool toward his pastor and is acting out of political expediency support Obama by 90%.
• Blacks who think Bill Clinton was “the first black president” support Obama by 90%.
• Blacks who think Hillary Clinton’s use of a John Mellencamp song as her stump speech background music is really stupid support Obama by 90%.
• Whites who secretly hate black people support Clinton by 51%.
• Whites who want us to “move beyond discussions of race” are obviously white.
• Blue collar, rural whites are perplexed that every four years people act like they care about them.
• Republicans are voting for McCain, even though they don’t like him.
• Conservative evangelicals feel neglected this year. McCain will win them in the end on a single issue.
• White, rural, college-educated, female, lesbian, blue collar Christians are just really interesting, independent and very hard to pin down. I think they are the key swing voters this year.
  

And Now, a Word From William

If thou would but clicketh, the image most assuredly doth groweth

ABC News, with George Stuffinenvelopes

Guess I'm not alone in thinking that Wednesday's debate on ABC reached a new low, even for American political coverage. It's not politics anymore, it's Who Wants To Be a President.

Let The Spin Begin

As the Republicans begin to realize they are actually up against Barack Obama in November, and not Her Royal Highness, Queen Hillary the Annointed, they are actively emailing those who like to think Obama is a Muslim , or that he attended a Madrasa, or that his pastor hates America, or that his name is eerily similar to Osama's.

An email I received today contained this obviously Photoshopped image of Senator Obama talking on the phone. Problem is, the stupid, ignorant, inexperienced, naive and not-ready-to-be Commander in Chief Obama doesn't know how to hold a phone in a photo-op.

It doesn't take long to find the real image, as if the cartoon clock on the wall wasn't a dead giveaway that the photo was faked.

And to show you that Senator Obama not only knows how to handle a phone, but can handle two phones at once while simultaneously gesturing and winking to a photographer, here's an image from the Associated Press. That dude has some serious multitaskin' skilz.

Let the spin begin.

There's a war on, and there are some people very afraid of an Obama Presidency, so afraid that they will have you believe that the man doesn't know how to hold a phone.

I haven't placed an Obama sticker on my car. I haven't posted an Obama sign in my yard. I haven't donated to the Obama campaign. But if this keeps up, I may just have to.

Game Over, Monster

When the clock runs out and you are behind in the score, you don’t run to the referees to claim you were mounting a great last-minute drive, and were it not for that damned clock, you’d have won.

You accept that you’ve lost. You shake the other team’s hands. You say, “Good game.” You walk off the field. You don’t cry, “Give us the game, ref.”

You also don’t suggest that the obvious winner can now be your runner-up if they want. You don’t pretend to have won when you’ve clearly lost. That is called poor sportsmanship. In other circles, it’s called cheating. Just ask Bill Belichick.

If the SuperDelegates hand this nomination to Clinton after a clear Obama win, expect a bunch of players to never play again. And expect Hillary to get her clock cleaned by McCain.

It's 3 AM, and Hope is For Fools

Spin to Win. What Senator Clinton is really saying in that 3AM ad, with the ominous voiceover, spooky music and Ms. Clinton appearing at perfect calm with this troubled world in the end, wearing her new Tina Fey smarty glasses.

I've had enough of the spin, so I put my own audio on Hillary's now famous/infamous ad.



DISCLAIMER: I'm not an Obamaton. I'm just an observer at this point.

Bahamas Changes Name

(NASSAU) The government of The Bahamas today announced the official name change of the country to The Commonwealth of the Obamas. The change will take place immediately and will be reflected in all official government operations, to include embassy locations worldwide.

Working closely with the Bahamian Tourism Board, government officials acted quickly to make the change after viewing the new will.i.am Obama video.

"We voted on this in a hastily called assembly of Parliament," said Prime Minister Hubert A. Ingraham, "and the decision was unanimous."

"It is clear to us that Obama is some special kind of politician, maybe even God made flesh," said a tourism official, "and we are only the first country or region to pay homage to him with a name change."

Reports indicate that the state of Oklahoma is considering a resolution to rename their state Oklabama and that Alabama is entertaining a name change to Olabama.

Obama campaign officials, while pleased, are downplaying the Messianic undertones.

"Barack only walks on water and heals the sick," said David Axelrod, chief strategist for Obama, "He has never raised the dead or turned water into wine. Yet."

Axelrod quickly pointed out that 25 states have a city or town named Clinton and that there are many counties in the United States with the name Clinton.

"That is clearly an unfair advantage that I think the Clinton campaign needs to address," said Axelrod, "We see no problem with a sovereign nation exercising its freewill to rename their country to reflect the momentum of our candidate."

Particularly hurtful to the Clintons is the fact that they have taken many vacations to the islands. Pressed for comment, a visibly shaken and red-faced former President Bill Clinton scolded, "Shame on you! Shame on you, Bahamas."

The Decline and Fall Will Be Televised

I could write a thousand word essay on the subject, but a captioned picture is worth a thousand words.

Or something.

A Dozen Jelly-Filled Strategies

Whenever a man has cast a longing eye on offices, a rottenness begins in his conduct. ~Thomas Jefferson

When an ad campaign is in trouble, not delivering for the client, the client is wise to accept a change in strategy. As Hillary Clinton's campaign sputters (and let's not fool ourselves, running for national office is all about PR and advertising) she changes messaging from one day to the next as her senior strategists float various themes to see what might catch on. One day in Texas she is the conciliatory, gracious lady, and in two days she is the scolding bully, calling her opponent out for a knife fight in Ohio. One day she is the chili-pepper eating lover of all things Latin with deep roots in border towns, the next she is your Midwesterner blue-collar buddy working the night shift alongside you. She's change, she's experience, she's tested. She's a mom, a sister and a tough-as-nails fighter. She's red wine and roses. She's a shirt-sleeves ditch digger. And her latest, most desperate message yet: Hope is Stupid.

But nothing is catching on, and the enormous salaries being paid to her back room spinners are finally coming into question.

Probably one of the most cold-blooded mercenaries ever to work in the game, Howard Wolfson, defends his January salary of $267,000 this way: “Fees and payments are in line with industry standards,” Mr. Wolfson said. “Spending priorities have been consistent with overall strategic goals.” I don't even know what that means, but it sure sounds like PR guy bullshit.

The supposed best minds in advertising and public relations are looking like a group of idiots right now. But in their defense, I have to wonder what would happen if Hillary were to fire her assembled dream team of experts and replace them with another. The new team might just end up in the same place - unable to deliver results.

So maybe it's not the message. Maybe it's the product. Expect to see books out in the next few months authored by those behind the scenes. They will have titles like Selling the Unsellable, Packaging a Politician, Beaten by Barack and The Microtrend We Never Saw Coming.

Speaking of products, Dunkin' Donuts is getting some free advertising with all the reports about the Clinton campaign's overspending. Not sure if that helps Dunkin' or hurts them.

UPDATE: (and perhaps worthy of it's own post) The social media watchers at Dunkin' Donuts are all over it, commenting here within 5 hours of posting. That's pretty impressive for a Sunday afternoon. Check the comments section.

My List of Talking Points is Better Than Yours

CNN will show another episode of Dancing With the Candidates tonight, where no questions will actually be answered and the regurgitation of talking points will be the norm. The judges will score the event on Best Zinger, Worst Stumble, Most Glaring Character Flaw Moment and Best Faked Sincerity.

They can both dance quite admirably. They spin, they twirl, they twist. At this point it’s pretty much down to talking points. We can recite the lines even if we've barely been paying attention. We’re all just waiting for someone to screw up in a big way and get voted off the show.

Click image to read captions, unless you have, like, really good eyes.

Barack Obama is Your New Bicycle

And other tongue-in-cheek wonderful things Barack Obama is doing for you, over at this website. Keep clicking the text for more. If this is the work of the Clinton campaign, I have to begrudgingly say, "Well played." Someone has found a funny, subtle way to say what the Clintons have been trying to say, but they are too inept to convey it without stepping on their tongues.

UPDATE: It's the work of Mat Honan of San Francisco, and there are already some great knock-offs. Apparently Mat's girlfriend/wife is a total Obama freak and he invented that saying as a jab at her.

Finding the Antichrist on Google

This is my 666^th blog post here on Where's My Jetpack? So now is the perfect opportunity to engage in the time-honored practice millions of fringe religious groups, theologians and prophecy "scholars" have engaged in since Nero was impaling Christians around Rome and then setting their bodies aflame. (To my Christian readers: Tim LaHaye's Left Behind series is pure and utter Crap. With a capital "C.")

Using Google, I will type in the names of prominent figures along with the word "antichrist." (Example: Olsen twins + antichrist) and then display the number of search results for each query.

Results:

Ahmadinejad 39,400
McCain 102,000
Bush 133,000
Obama 176,000
Hillary 232,000
Clinton 443,000
Gates 563,000
Jobs 597,000

Based on these results, I predict that if Clinton gets the nomination of her party and goes on to defeat McCain, there will be human sacrifices on the South Lawn of the White House every full moon, as well as during the solstices and equinoxes - or as often as it shall please Her Majesty, the Anointed One.

I was surprised by Steve Jobs edging out Bill Gates as a possible antichrist.

Then again, here is a photo of Steve Jobs as a child.

One more thing: searching Google + antichrist netted 984,000 results, proving perhaps that one day we will all serve our evil master Google.

Yeah, you're right. We already do.

(To my Jewish readers: The Hebrew character that respresents the number "6" is the same character that represents the letter "w" right? So "www" equals "666." Cool, huh?)