It's Not a Magic Refrigerator

I might have to order some custom labels for my next case of water.


Previously:
Is that your pineapple juice? No! I didn't think so!
Firing squad executes office 'fridge thief.

Push Poll Paul

I've modified "Cold Call Carl" as we come into the final stretch of this marathon of an election season. The din of the spin is deafening and dumbing.

If I were a teacher and America sat in my classroom, I would mark on her paper, "F. See me."

click for bigness

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

There Are Two Kinds of People in This World

As Hillary Clinton continues to destroy everything in her path in pursuit of power, it is sad and sickening to watch the final death throes of her campaign. It’s like the Wicked Witch’s last scene in The Wizard of Oz. The shock on her face as Dorothy throws the bucket of water, then the shrieks and hissing as she melts down to her hat and cloak. (Did I just call Hillary Clinton a witch? Absolutely. And that makes me no more a misogynist than calling Bush a chimp makes me a zoo keeper.)

About a week ago, I almost felt pity for her. “She fought hard,” I lied to myself. “She certainly has grit and stamina,” I justified. Then my mind was suddenly liberated from that demonic reasoning and I recalled the despicable tactics, the rule-changing in mid-game, the charge that anyone who isn’t a Hillary supporter is sexist and the countless other shameful acts she and her husband have shown us this political season. Now she insists that letting her have her way, giving her the presidency she so desperately wants, so in her heart believed was hers, is on the same moral plane as the abolition of slavery, the civil rights movement or women’s suffrage. And her die-hard legion of cultists truly believe “She cares about ME.” No, she doesn’t. She cares about nothing and no one but herself. If the states that went for her opponent don’t matter and the rules don’t matter, YOU sure as hell don’t matter.

Smile, point and wave. At invisible people on the tarmac.

As she now brazenly lies and cheats, she is turning our already ugly politics on its hideous head. She is spitting and shitting on us, and telling us while she does so that it’s for our own good. Thank you, Queen Hillary. May I have a towel? Maybe she actually is mad, as in crazy, as some suggest. I think she’s merely soulless.

But if she were my mother or sister or aunt, I’d probably try to avoid her phone calls and maybe gently suggest she seek counseling and medication. If she were my wife, I’d have divorced her years ago. Take the house, take half my money. Hell, take it all! Please, just go. If Obama picks her as his running mate, he’s a tool and a fool. Is America ready for a female president? Stupid question. Quit asking. Of course we are. But America will never be ready for Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Now, for the other kind of person in this world.

Grace Moon, a 6th grader from California, won Google’s Doodle 4 Google competition. She came up with this very cheerful design. Here’s Grace’s explanation: My doodle, "Up in the Clouds," expresses a world in the sky. This new world is clean and fresh, and people are social and enlightened. Every person here is treated as family no matter who they are. The bright sun heats this ideal place with warmth, love, and brightens everyone's day.

I will not throw dark clouds at your sunny vision, Grace. But you show beyond-your-years insight by explaining that this world you’ve created with your art is in the sky. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Very nice. A+.

I Have a Dream...

...of an office environment where trust is a given - and juice thieves are punished.

Was it yours? No. I brought it in this morning. Did you look over your shoulder as you snatched it from the shelf in the 'fridge? Was it weird walking away from the kitchen with it in your hand? It must've been. Were you just overcome with an uncontrollable urge to drink pineapple juice? Or was it just an uncontrollable urge to grab something that wasn’t yours? Is it simple kleptomania or are you dealing with deeper issues of trust and betrayal? Do you cheat on your taxes? Do you cheat on your significant other? Or maybe you are just so poor here in CubeWorld™ that you can’t afford your own 35¢ can of pineapple juice? If that’s the case, I’ll start bringing in an extra one for you. Just ask next time.

What's the word for bewildered disbelief? Something like, "Faaaawk!"

Previously in The Office Refrigerator Thief

My Growing List of People We Can Do Without

(ORLANDO, FL) In a rare demonstration of solidarity at a large corporate office in South Orlando, employees agreed to execute a man caught stealing from a 2nd floor refrigerator. The refrigerator sits in a common area and is used by employees to store lunches, drinks and assorted snacks. After a hasty in-house trial at which the accused offered no defense, volunteers took the man behind the building and shot him.

"In a large, corporate environment, it's easy to forget that the people around you share some of the same values and have the same convictions," said one member of the firing squad, "This execution has really brought us together as a team and we're looking forward to doing this again real soon."