Hot Liquid Hope

For those of us old enough to remember when coffee was just coffee, before Starbucks and other gourmet outlets turned it into an expensive, sugar-laden delicacy, there were two undisputed leaders in the quick java jolt: Dunkin' Donuts and McDonald's. They simply tasted the best. McDonald's coffee was always way too hot, but there was no confusing its fine taste with your average 7-11 cup. And Dunkin's was even better. (Recently I stopped at a turnpike rest stop and had the most unsatisfying cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee I've ever set my lips to. It had apparently been sitting on the burner for a week and seriously damaged my view of Dunkin'.)

I attempted to quit all my addictions at once on Monday. It was a bad day. I made it until this morning, when I made myself a small cup of coffee. The difference in outlook was amazing. I went from "Life sucks and I want to go back to bed," to "I'm going to sell Dunkin' Donuts a new tagline and find a job!" It's a powerful drug. And it's legal!

So, here ya go, Dunkin'. (And Dunkin's agency.) You may use this so long as you give me a job. Same goes for any other coffee purveyor who wants to steal this. And it won't be hard to prove it's mine.

Maybe you tie it into a campaign whereby you offer a free cup to anyone who can prove they're on the hunt for work? (Yeah, that'd be cool; all sorts of derelicts and riff-raf standing in line at Dunkin'.) That way you turn yourself into the friend of the average Joe (HA! Joe! Get it? Nevermind.) who has been affected in these trying times.

I'm Not at All Surprised

I shouldn't celebrate economic downturns, but this is the best business news I've read in a while.

When you open a competing store right across the street from your last grand opening, what the hell did you think was going to happen? The country can only drink so many $5 cups of coffee.

Idiots.

This reminds me of the dotcom bubble burst. Unchecked and rapid growth, inflated prices and apparent market domination (of a devoted but relatively small class of cultists) followed by massive layoffs and shutdowns.

Dunkin' Donuts has been hot on their trail for a while and backlash was imminent. People don't like arrogant dynasties. (Just ask the New England Patriots.)

Looks like some of the black shirted fauxhawk crowd will have to drink normal coffee again.

Waaaaa.

Caffeine Nation

Starbucks has been getting pressure in recent years from the likes of Dunkin' Donuts, who mock the elitist coffee culture that is the Seattle-based chain, and even by McDonald's, who will now add the cream for you if you want, and offer their own sweet and fatty iced caffeine beverage. McD's takes an even more direct stab at Starbucks with their website promoting McCafes in Starbucks' home turf of Western Washington, Unsnobbycoffee. And I don't know how many noticed, but in the recent Will Ferrell comedy Blades of Glory, 7-11 had a coffee product placement in one scene.

So Starbucks is now trying to lure the regular coffee people over to one of their ubiquitous stores, those of us who don't speak Starbucks and still prefer to define cup sizes in terms of small, medium and large. They're doing it by offering, of all things, REGULAR COFFEE. (Example ad below.)

Ain't gonna work. As a regular coffee drinker, (maybe a dash of half and half, or if we're out of that, a splash of milk) when I'm not at home near my trusty Senseo coffeemaker and want a coffee, I will sooner drive through a McDonald's or pull into a 7-11 before I will darken the door of the Church of Starbucks. Starbucks devotees are cult-like, and a visit to a Starbucks by a regular coffee drinker is at the least an uncomfortable experience, usually leaving the regular coffee drinker feeling as though they've caved, fallen victim to the hype, and paid way too much for something that is worth about 50 cents.

A Dozen Jelly-Filled Strategies

Whenever a man has cast a longing eye on offices, a rottenness begins in his conduct. ~Thomas Jefferson

When an ad campaign is in trouble, not delivering for the client, the client is wise to accept a change in strategy. As Hillary Clinton's campaign sputters (and let's not fool ourselves, running for national office is all about PR and advertising) she changes messaging from one day to the next as her senior strategists float various themes to see what might catch on. One day in Texas she is the conciliatory, gracious lady, and in two days she is the scolding bully, calling her opponent out for a knife fight in Ohio. One day she is the chili-pepper eating lover of all things Latin with deep roots in border towns, the next she is your Midwesterner blue-collar buddy working the night shift alongside you. She's change, she's experience, she's tested. She's a mom, a sister and a tough-as-nails fighter. She's red wine and roses. She's a shirt-sleeves ditch digger. And her latest, most desperate message yet: Hope is Stupid.

But nothing is catching on, and the enormous salaries being paid to her back room spinners are finally coming into question.

Probably one of the most cold-blooded mercenaries ever to work in the game, Howard Wolfson, defends his January salary of $267,000 this way: “Fees and payments are in line with industry standards,” Mr. Wolfson said. “Spending priorities have been consistent with overall strategic goals.” I don't even know what that means, but it sure sounds like PR guy bullshit.

The supposed best minds in advertising and public relations are looking like a group of idiots right now. But in their defense, I have to wonder what would happen if Hillary were to fire her assembled dream team of experts and replace them with another. The new team might just end up in the same place - unable to deliver results.

So maybe it's not the message. Maybe it's the product. Expect to see books out in the next few months authored by those behind the scenes. They will have titles like Selling the Unsellable, Packaging a Politician, Beaten by Barack and The Microtrend We Never Saw Coming.

Speaking of products, Dunkin' Donuts is getting some free advertising with all the reports about the Clinton campaign's overspending. Not sure if that helps Dunkin' or hurts them.

UPDATE: (and perhaps worthy of it's own post) The social media watchers at Dunkin' Donuts are all over it, commenting here within 5 hours of posting. That's pretty impressive for a Sunday afternoon. Check the comments section.