How Not To Do Social Media

One of the most visited posts on this blog over the years has been the Land O' Lakes Butter box trick. It is also the most spammed post on this blog. Usually I delete them as soon as they come in, but I'll leave the most current one up, just as a lesson on how you shouldn't promote your business on blogs. Never mind the bad grammar, as I don't speak Spanish and am not one to make fun of anyone who can speak more than one language. But the form is the same in all of them, "Love your blog. Please keep it up. Now visit my site that has zero to do with anything being discussed here." Here is the current comment, verbatim:

Sure, it was probably automated. (Wait, it can't be since I have the word verification feature turned on. So someone is actually pasting this comment in along with their linked name and typing in the captcha.) So what has the site owner lost in terms of time or resources? Probably very little. But is a link buried in a mildly trafficked blog post comment thread really that valuable when you risk looking like a shameless spammer?

Parkrrr points out in the comments that it's all about Page Rank, which is all about links, and one time a long time ago BoingBoing linked to me, giving that post some rank. So it's a piggyback link game! Well, screw you, Costa Rican Land Pimps. Your comment goes away now.

Serial Entrepreneur

Somewhere right now, a snake-oil salesman is devising his next killer app, one that will "revolutionize social media as we know it" or some such crap. Ten years ago, he was going to "take the dot com world by storm!" with SEO. He will survive, because bullshit is his art, and he knows how to sling it.

 

Click for the large.

(Yes, there are people out there calling themselves "serial entrepreneurs." That's like telling a venture capitalist, "I can't stick with anything for too long. I like to set it up, run away with some cash and then watch it crash because it was a dumb idea all along.")

Seriously, Not a Good Name For Your Daycare

Field Hockey By Any Other Name Will Still Fail

When Native Americans played the sport, each team had 60 players. That might be awesome. (Click image for cool view.)

Got your season tickets yet?

Heavy metal soundtrack? Check.
Overexcited announcers? Check.
Scantily clad cheerleaders? No.

But that omission won't be responsible for killing the latest sport to try to establish a foothold in Orlando. Here's what will: No one will care. This town can barely support an NBA team that made it to the championship last year.

Professional Indoor Lacrosse.

And trust me, no edgy slogan like "Stick It!" is going to help.

Lacrosse, a fun and fast-paced game requiring speed, stamina and toughness, was apparently tired of being kicked around the edges of college campuses with the likes of Ultimate Frisbee. So they established a pro league. I'm sure it's a huge hit in Edmonton and Calgary, but Florida ain't gonna play. Here's the crowd turnout in Minnesota, an established lacrosse hotspot. Everett, Washington is getting a team this year. Boston got one last year. How's it going, Beantown? Yeah, I didn't think so. Boston's average attendance for their new team is 8,470 in an arena that seats 18,000. That's not good business.

Down here, it will be worse. No one is going to go to the games. I give it two years. Two years of front office staff and players going on radio stations, hyping it up, encouraging people to come and "See what it's all about!" Two years of poorly produced local commercials. And then, just as they left New York, the Orlando Titans will move somewhere else.

Good luck, boys, but I wouldn't start establishing any roots here.

عيد ميلاد سعيد من المملكة العربية السعودية

Having failed tragically in my endeavor to make a killing creating Thanksgiving cards for the Russian immigrant market, I'm turning my attention to customized Saudi Christmas cards, where I understand many fortunes have been realized by go-getter entrepreneurs such as myself. We shall see. My first commission comes from a man who must keep his identity anonymous, since celebrating Christmas in Saudi Arabia is against the law.

ص. ضخم, كبير, هام, حبلي

The title reads, "Merry Christmas from Saudi Arabia." The fine print at bottom translates roughly: "My wives could not pose with me, as you would've lusted for them and then I'd have to kill them."

Because Chistmas Is Only More Than A Month Away

Punching around on the "seek" feature on my drive in, I heard Christmas music on the radio. In mid-November. It seems an already horrible Orlando radio station* has made itself even worse this week by being the first to adopt the "All Shitty Christmas Music—All The Fucking Time" format. If I were an advertiser on this station, I'd be plenty pissed. How can this possibly be listened to, except maybe in retail environments? And even there the employees and shoppers must be going, "shut UP!"

* They ditched an alt-rock format this year for Oldies/Classic Hits.

Buy American

How dare you ask "Why?" Because it's the American thing to do!

And if you don't, the government will make sure these failed car companies stay in business, because we're Americans and we stick by Americans, even when they suck at their jobs, and they build an inferior product, and they pay their employees too much, and they ignore market demand.

What's wrong with you? You hate America?

Clicken Machen Grossen Imagen

I find myself firmly in the "Let Them Die" camp on this one. It's business. You failed. You eat it. Don't saddle me with your fuck-ups.

Recession-Proof Industry?

I have just finished calling five local tax accountant/CPA types, hoping to hire one of them to help me find my way out of a (ahem) situation. Before I can ask any simple questions, I can tell by their tone how bothered they are, so I begin with, "Hi, Larry. Are you accepting any new clients at this time?"

"No." Times five.

So the accountants are doing just fine in this tanking economy. Good to know.

But not the smartest business practice to be passing on people calling you before you even find out what the potential client might need. I will be sure to bypass all five of you when I win $55 million tomorrow night in the Florida Lottery.

I'm Not at All Surprised

I shouldn't celebrate economic downturns, but this is the best business news I've read in a while.

When you open a competing store right across the street from your last grand opening, what the hell did you think was going to happen? The country can only drink so many $5 cups of coffee.

Idiots.

This reminds me of the dotcom bubble burst. Unchecked and rapid growth, inflated prices and apparent market domination (of a devoted but relatively small class of cultists) followed by massive layoffs and shutdowns.

Dunkin' Donuts has been hot on their trail for a while and backlash was imminent. People don't like arrogant dynasties. (Just ask the New England Patriots.)

Looks like some of the black shirted fauxhawk crowd will have to drink normal coffee again.

Waaaaa.

You Have Left Your Mind

Familiar with the Left Behind series? It's a collection of pseudo-scripture written by a pair of charlatans loosely based on the last book of the Christian bible (and a word or two from Paul's letters). Those two goblins are astoundingly rich now that their books have been devoured by so many people too busy to read their bibles or talk with their God.

The premise of these books is this: All the Jesus people are taken away in The Rapture and the rest of the earthlings are left behind on the planet to suffer horrible things. Do you want to escape the horrible things? Then get yourself right with God and do it quickly. Because scaring people into loving God and doing Right (wing) is very effective. It is also a huge money-maker.

Problem with The Rapture theory is that it is pure and utter fiction created in the mid-1800s by an Irishman named John Darby. It was very easy to sell to Americans, because even then Americans were much as they are today; easy to swindle, afraid of hard times, mostly unacquainted with large-scale suffering and looking for the easy way out.

If you are a Christian and you're disagreeing with me on this, let me ask you this: Did Jesus say he was returning? OK, then how many times will he return? First time in secret, second time in the clouds for all to see? Also, I know you like to justify and support your escapism theology with passages like, "God has not appointed us unto wrath." (I love it when you speak in the King James. It makes you sound so Holy.) So maybe you can quote that phrase to the persecuted churches in Afghanistan, Egypt, Libya, Somalia, Algeria, Eritrea, Malaysia, Sri Lanka, Azerbaijan, Ethiopia, Maldives, Sudan, Bangladesh, Gaza and the West Bank, Philippines, Syria, Belarus, India, Mauritania, Tajikistan, Bhutan, Indonesia, Morocco, Tibet, Brunei, Iran, Nepal, Tunisia, Myanmar, Iraq, Nigeria, Turkey, Jordan, North Korea, Turkmenistan, China, Kuwait, Oman, United Arab Emirates, Colombia, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Comoros, Laos, Qatar, Vietnam, Cuba, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia and Yemen. You've got it pretty good here and know nothing of "wrath."

Why am I wasting my energy? Go to Wal-Mart and get the latest book in your series. Maybe you can pay for Tim LaHaye's next facelift.

ANYWAY, (I get worked up on this subject) some total tools have set up a website that will send out email alerts to those who get Left Behind! How cool! So after the world's Christians suddenly vanish, everyone can get emails saying, "You've been Left Behind! We are in Heaven and you are going to suffer some horrible shit! There's still hope! Forward this email to ten friends and throw some salt over your shoulder while spinning around in a circle thrice. Then, don't eat for 10 days and abstain from sex and maybe God will let you come join us after you get raped, tortured and killed by the Antichrist and his Army of Satan Worshipers. Bye! Love ya! Peace! :)" Spam from Heaven. And this service will only cost you $40 a year. I don't know who's behind this website, but they need to...not gonna say it.

I wish I had hacking skills.