NFL Stats Are Stupid

Usually...

But I picked up on one yesterday that no one is talking about - yet.

Of the four road teams posting victories yesterday, three of those teams were from Florida. This marks the first time that all three Florida teams won on the road on the same day that all three California teams won at home, on a Halloween, in a year divisible by 10.

Face It, Orlando: You're a One-Trick Town

Let's just give it up. We are known for Disney. Enough pretending to be a world-class city. We fail every time we try. We are known for the Mouse (and as the place where babies disappear in the care of white-trash parents).

While some will argue that a game in the mud is a fun and watchable throwback to the good old days of football, the rest will counter that in today's environment, where turf management is a disciplined practice, if not a science, a field that disappears after a little rain is reason enough for some sorry-ass stadium manager to lose his job. The stadium is city-owned, which pretty much explains the problem.

And they still hope that this field hosts qualifying matches for the World Cup. 

A bunch of muddy dudes help a guy named McCray up off a field of shit that made 

Orlando look like a cow town unable and undeserving of hosting a bowl game.

Field Hockey By Any Other Name Will Still Fail

When Native Americans played the sport, each team had 60 players. That might be awesome. (Click image for cool view.)

Got your season tickets yet?

Heavy metal soundtrack? Check.
Overexcited announcers? Check.
Scantily clad cheerleaders? No.

But that omission won't be responsible for killing the latest sport to try to establish a foothold in Orlando. Here's what will: No one will care. This town can barely support an NBA team that made it to the championship last year.

Professional Indoor Lacrosse.

And trust me, no edgy slogan like "Stick It!" is going to help.

Lacrosse, a fun and fast-paced game requiring speed, stamina and toughness, was apparently tired of being kicked around the edges of college campuses with the likes of Ultimate Frisbee. So they established a pro league. I'm sure it's a huge hit in Edmonton and Calgary, but Florida ain't gonna play. Here's the crowd turnout in Minnesota, an established lacrosse hotspot. Everett, Washington is getting a team this year. Boston got one last year. How's it going, Beantown? Yeah, I didn't think so. Boston's average attendance for their new team is 8,470 in an arena that seats 18,000. That's not good business.

Down here, it will be worse. No one is going to go to the games. I give it two years. Two years of front office staff and players going on radio stations, hyping it up, encouraging people to come and "See what it's all about!" Two years of poorly produced local commercials. And then, just as they left New York, the Orlando Titans will move somewhere else.

Good luck, boys, but I wouldn't start establishing any roots here.

The Arrogance of His Heirness

Michael Jordan's son, Marcus, plays basketball for local school the University of Central Florida. That alone tells you Marcus did not inherit his father's skills, as UCF is a perennial "hopeful" in most sports. Nonetheless, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, and Marcus, demonstrating that he did inherit his dad's ego, decided he would not wear Adidas shoes, even though UCF was in the last year of a contract with Adidas. The young Jordan said he will wear only his father's Nike Air Jordan shoes because "they hold special meaning to my family." The university relented, still giddy to have the drawing power of a Jordan on the team.

Adidas was fine with Jordan's and the school's decision on a regional level, but corporate nixed the deal, canceling the UCF contract, costing the school $3 million. Good on you, Adidas.

"We are disappointed to learn that Adidas has chosen to discontinue its relationship with UCF Athletics," the school said in a statement released by spokesman Joe Hornstein. Yeah, Joel, I'll bet you are.

Now, here's an opportunity for Nike to jump in and take that contract, or here's a chance for Marcus to dip into his huge trust fund and pay the school back.

The NBA Finals on ABC - As Seen from Orlando

the bigger, 6'11" version

The Enemy of Kobe is My Friend

I am a bummed-out basketball fan this morning, not that I have any right, really. Like much of this city, I got on board the Magic Bus only long after they showed they were contenders. Fairweather fans are the worst, but we're also the norm. Maybe you like to sit in a half-empty stadium and paint your body stupid colors while mugging for the camera as you support your woeful Cleveland Browns. (And you were there through thick and thin, the good times and the bad. When the crowds start showing up when the winning gets easier, you resent them. You are a REAL fan. But remember, none of the players are from your town and they'll leave the second another city offers them more money, swearing allegiance and love to a new town as they shake the dust of your dirty city from their cleats..So maybe your team pride is a little one-sided. In fact, when you think about it, you worship a logo.)

Anyway...(I do that all the time. "All aboard the Dave Train. Next stop...Random Tangent.")...I think what makes losing to the Lakers so unpleasant is the hype and show that is a Lakers game. A Lakers game is an event. To be seen at a Lakers game is a big deal in Hell-A. "Oh, look! There's the world's worst actor, Jack Nicholson! I wonder when he'll make another movie where he plays a snarky old asshole who learns a lesson about love?" "Look! It's Tom Cruise, the world's second worst actor! I wonder when he'll make another movie where he plays an uptight dickhead who struts away from exploding things?" And the broadcasters get caught up in the hype of a Lakers game, and before long they are openly hoping the Lakers win.

Then there's Kobe Bryant, possibly the most arrogant and transparent player to ever rape a hotel maid. Oh, sorry. He was acquitted. I forgot. Anyway, when you're down 25 points and watching this guy do his best "I'm a mean warrior" face, anything he does will set you off. He could sit there on the bench and pour tea for his grandma while writing ten-thousand dollar checks to charity and I'd find something wrong with the way he did it. He makes me sick. Punk. Winner. Beater of us.

I read this blog's analytics once in a while. Los Angeles is always among the top for numbers of visitors. So, Lakers fans who might be reading this blog, I wish you sports pain and loss of city pride. I wish for you to see your precious Kobe holding his head low on the bench, suffering a stinging loss that makes him say to the cameras in the locker room, "Ya know, we just got beat, that's all. They came to play. They did some things and we didn't do some things and we need to execute a little better next time. Focus. One-hundred and ten percent. Heart. Soul. Tomorrow's another day." I hope a Magic player loses his balance and falls right into Ashton Kutcher, wiping that stupid smile off his face and causing him to seek medical treatment.

This isn't supposed to be sports blog. I'm just mad that we lost our team logo pride last night in front of a huge TV audience at the Lakers Show, starring Jack Nicholson. Sports, Entertainment, Politics, News. It's all the same game.

You'll recall how Vitamin Water and Nike were hoping the NBA Finals would be a Lebron/Kobe showdown. Vitamin Water has wiped the egg from their face and employed Orlando's Dwight Howard to mock the original Kobe/Lebron spot. Not a bad performance for a jock. Haven't seen acting like this from an athlete since Peyton Manning.

Counting Chickens That Never Hatched

Or putting all your eggs in one basket. Something, I don't know. Either way, some people have egg on their faces today.

Vitamin Water and Nike, following the script laid out by the NBA and the broadcasters, predicted a Kobe Bryant/Lebron James final and produced some fun and expensive commercials to that end. They never consulted with @dwighthoward, the non-tattooed, unassuming player who has no high-profile endorsement deals. Yet.





This little backwater, less-than-large media market is pretty psyched right now, glad that it isn't all about Disney for a little while, even if the team's name is a not-too-subtle nod to Disney. Lots of chest-thumping going on from the usual suspects, all proud to "finally get some respect."

Eventually the Magic will play in another venue, instead of the embarrassingly named Amway Arena. The Magic are also owned by Amway kingpin Rich DeVos, who has a management opportunity for you in his company.

This Is Just Not Right

Currently, the Boise State Broncos are ranked in the top 10 in college football. They are also 64 and 2 at home since 1999. That is a very serious home field advantage. Could it be that visiting teams are too busy freaking out about playing on the world's ugliest football field to keep their heads in the game?

Since 1986, Boise State has had this hideous blue football field, an abomination of sport, no matter what sport you're a fan of. Unless it's basketball or sand volleyball, sport is meant to be played on grass, or on fake grass that at least looks like real grass. This field is literally making me feel nauseous. That might be because I had too much to drink last night.

Still, I am petitioning the NCAA to blow up this field.

Attention Boise State Fans: This is not a sports forum. I am sure you are very proud of your Broncos. Good luck the rest of the season. My Dad was born in Idaho. My grandfather, too. Your state is beautiful. I ate some of your potatoes last night. One of the bloggers I read lives in your city. I just hate your field. Save your rantings and foaming rabid fan talk for sites that care about that stuff. And Go Gators!

Futbol Should Be Like This More Often

I'd watch your "International" sport if it had more moments like this.



(Also liking the yellow Coca-Cola logo behind the goal.)

Creative Director to Designer: "Remove Nipples"

A banner hanging on the side of the main bus terminal in downtown Orlando promotes Sunday night's Wrestlemania event at the Citrus Bowl. If you look closely, (click for enlarged view) you'll notice that the wrestlers have no nipples, in a misinterpretation of a local ordinance prohibiting the public display of nipples.

More on the sordid details of nippleless wrestlers here.

Don't ask me how, but the Citrus Bowl (capacity of 70K) is nearly sold out for this event.

Superstitious Sports Stats

The guys in the booth announcing college and pro football games (maybe it's baseball too, but I don't watch) are getting really weird with their obscure "what if" and "did you know" scenarios.

• "Brett Favre is 21 and 4 in home games after losing a previous game that fell on one of his relatives birthdays."
• "The Gators are 12 and 2 against Georgia when the Gators have had a bye week prior to the classic match-up, provided the temperature was above 72 degrees."
• "LaDainian Tomlinson averages 4.5 yards per carry in games that follow an evening of mild passion. With the way he's running today, Bill, it looks like he may have been involved in an orgy last night. Heh, heh."