NFL Stats Are Stupid

Usually...

But I picked up on one yesterday that no one is talking about - yet.

Of the four road teams posting victories yesterday, three of those teams were from Florida. This marks the first time that all three Florida teams won on the road on the same day that all three California teams won at home, on a Halloween, in a year divisible by 10.

Beware All Ye Who Enter

There is No Escaping Dan Marino

Especially not in South Florida, where his near misses at bringing Miami a championship are still rewarded with all kinds of spokesman deals, including the amusing juxtaposition of Hooter's and Viagra. He does car dealerships, jewelry stores, and to get to Dolphin Stadium, you will likely have to travel on Dan Marino Boulevard. Of course he's also one of a few national spokesmen for some weight loss meal deal and you can't avoid him on the weekends if you watch football. I don't know, he's always struck me as kind of...dickish.

Brett Favre, pay attention. Marino has paved the way for retired QBs who can't leave the spotlight. When you finally realize (again) in Minnesota that the glory is gone, you can still bask in the afterglow for decades to come, if you so choose. But maybe you'll be different. An equally talented QB who goes by the name of Dan who also doesn't have a Super Bowl ring (and who keeps a much lower profile) is Dan Fouts. (Not that he hasn't tried to boost that profile, apparently.)

Here in Orlando, all three Florida teams compete for our loyalty. We've got no team, so we get to be fairweather fans. We are encouraged to drive to Tampa to see the Bucs. Jacksonville is not so far away either and the Jags would love our money. And now I'm seeing Dolphins billboards on my way to work, encouraging me to drive down to Dolphin Stadium to watch the fish play.

What's that? It's now Land Shark Stadium? Oh, God. No.

Oh, well. All the more reason to go with one of the team's original name ideas, The Sharks.

Miami Sharks. Think about that rebranding opportunity, Miami. That name kicks the shit out of Jaguars and Buccaneers any day. You could get the uncommitted and coveted I4 Corridor football fan with a brand like that. We've got a trio of shitty teams to choose from. Make us want it.

Thank God for Six Points

As an afterthought to yesterday’s post about the Miami Dolphins, and with the playoffs beginning tomorrow, I’ve been thinking of more ways the Dolphins can rebrand.

This team makeover will be a good opportunity for the new head coach to implement what I call “Gentlemen’s Football.” When the rest of the league sees that you mean business, they will respect you more. You might even learn to respect yourselves. You might win a game or two.

The following offenses by players will be punished with stiff fines, levied by the team.

Speaking to a reporter about yourself in the 3rd person

Speaking to a reporter indoors while wearing sunglasses

Speaking ill of your teammates or management

Celebrating a tackle

Celebrating a sack

Celebrating a touchdown

Getting on one or both knees after a touchdown

Making the sign of the cross after a touchdown (Fine is doubled if offender is not Catholic)

Pointing to heaven after a touchdown

Jumping in the air to bump chests, sides or backs in celebration of anything

Taunting opposing players or fans

Raising your arms to encourage the home crowd to cheer more

Trash talking

Stepping over a downed opposing player without offering a hand up

All "celebrations" will be simple, congratulatory handshakes between teammates. (Regular, business-styled handshakes. No finger snaps, fists or elaborate hand choreography.)

Fan adulation may by acknowledged with a polite nod and a smile.

Players scoring touchdowns will hand the ball to the nearest referee and jog to the sideline.

No offense to your faith, your mom or your many years of hard work that got you here, but you are highly paid professionals looked up to by millions of kids. Show some class. You guys went 1-15. It’s time to get serious about the game.

I can even see these gentlemen’s rules spreading to other teams.

Big Tuna and The Dolphins

So Bill Parcells took over football operations for the Miami Dolphins and promptly fired the General Manager and today axed the coach following their pathetic 1-15 season. I think the problems run deeper than that. Parcells is always a winner wherever he goes, but he may need to look closer at the team’s image and consider rebranding. This is 2008. Football is meaner than it used to be. The media are referring to the Miami shakeup as a "makeover." So let's really make over the Dolphins.

We’re talking about dolphins. Gentle, playful, cute, always-smiling dolphins. This is not a good football animal mascot like a bear, lion, bronco, jaguar, bengal, colt, eagle, ram, charger, seahawk, panther or falcon. The only animal mascot in the NFL with a weaker image than a dolphin is a cardinal. And the Cardinals have sucked forever. One of the original names floated for the franchise was Sharks. That says football.

But of course changing the name of the team probably won’t fly, so how about some scarier colors? We get it. You’re Miami. Festive, colorful, tropical, but must you wear turquoise and cantaloupe? And that dolphin logo. He’s smiling! Oh, yeah, you gave him a downturned brow a few years ago to make him “menacing” but he’s still the smart, happy, favorite animal of every 4th grade girl who dreams of being a marine biologist. Why not just go all the way and make him completely cheerful? Sleek him up a little, like they do on the stadium’s logo.

Good luck, Parcells. And see what you can do about letting Ricky have his weed.