Thank God for Six Points

As an afterthought to yesterday’s post about the Miami Dolphins, and with the playoffs beginning tomorrow, I’ve been thinking of more ways the Dolphins can rebrand.

This team makeover will be a good opportunity for the new head coach to implement what I call “Gentlemen’s Football.” When the rest of the league sees that you mean business, they will respect you more. You might even learn to respect yourselves. You might win a game or two.

The following offenses by players will be punished with stiff fines, levied by the team.

Speaking to a reporter about yourself in the 3rd person

Speaking to a reporter indoors while wearing sunglasses

Speaking ill of your teammates or management

Celebrating a tackle

Celebrating a sack

Celebrating a touchdown

Getting on one or both knees after a touchdown

Making the sign of the cross after a touchdown (Fine is doubled if offender is not Catholic)

Pointing to heaven after a touchdown

Jumping in the air to bump chests, sides or backs in celebration of anything

Taunting opposing players or fans

Raising your arms to encourage the home crowd to cheer more

Trash talking

Stepping over a downed opposing player without offering a hand up

All "celebrations" will be simple, congratulatory handshakes between teammates. (Regular, business-styled handshakes. No finger snaps, fists or elaborate hand choreography.)

Fan adulation may by acknowledged with a polite nod and a smile.

Players scoring touchdowns will hand the ball to the nearest referee and jog to the sideline.

No offense to your faith, your mom or your many years of hard work that got you here, but you are highly paid professionals looked up to by millions of kids. Show some class. You guys went 1-15. It’s time to get serious about the game.

I can even see these gentlemen’s rules spreading to other teams.

Big Tuna and The Dolphins

So Bill Parcells took over football operations for the Miami Dolphins and promptly fired the General Manager and today axed the coach following their pathetic 1-15 season. I think the problems run deeper than that. Parcells is always a winner wherever he goes, but he may need to look closer at the team’s image and consider rebranding. This is 2008. Football is meaner than it used to be. The media are referring to the Miami shakeup as a "makeover." So let's really make over the Dolphins.

We’re talking about dolphins. Gentle, playful, cute, always-smiling dolphins. This is not a good football animal mascot like a bear, lion, bronco, jaguar, bengal, colt, eagle, ram, charger, seahawk, panther or falcon. The only animal mascot in the NFL with a weaker image than a dolphin is a cardinal. And the Cardinals have sucked forever. One of the original names floated for the franchise was Sharks. That says football.

But of course changing the name of the team probably won’t fly, so how about some scarier colors? We get it. You’re Miami. Festive, colorful, tropical, but must you wear turquoise and cantaloupe? And that dolphin logo. He’s smiling! Oh, yeah, you gave him a downturned brow a few years ago to make him “menacing” but he’s still the smart, happy, favorite animal of every 4th grade girl who dreams of being a marine biologist. Why not just go all the way and make him completely cheerful? Sleek him up a little, like they do on the stadium’s logo.

Good luck, Parcells. And see what you can do about letting Ricky have his weed.