Big Tuna and The Dolphins

So Bill Parcells took over football operations for the Miami Dolphins and promptly fired the General Manager and today axed the coach following their pathetic 1-15 season. I think the problems run deeper than that. Parcells is always a winner wherever he goes, but he may need to look closer at the team’s image and consider rebranding. This is 2008. Football is meaner than it used to be. The media are referring to the Miami shakeup as a "makeover." So let's really make over the Dolphins.

We’re talking about dolphins. Gentle, playful, cute, always-smiling dolphins. This is not a good football animal mascot like a bear, lion, bronco, jaguar, bengal, colt, eagle, ram, charger, seahawk, panther or falcon. The only animal mascot in the NFL with a weaker image than a dolphin is a cardinal. And the Cardinals have sucked forever. One of the original names floated for the franchise was Sharks. That says football.

But of course changing the name of the team probably won’t fly, so how about some scarier colors? We get it. You’re Miami. Festive, colorful, tropical, but must you wear turquoise and cantaloupe? And that dolphin logo. He’s smiling! Oh, yeah, you gave him a downturned brow a few years ago to make him “menacing” but he’s still the smart, happy, favorite animal of every 4th grade girl who dreams of being a marine biologist. Why not just go all the way and make him completely cheerful? Sleek him up a little, like they do on the stadium’s logo.

Good luck, Parcells. And see what you can do about letting Ricky have his weed.