Why Americans Fail at New Year's Resolutions

In a word: football. How am I supposed to quit smoking, cut back on drinking, ease up on the fatty snacks and grease-soaked goodness when there's a game on this weekend? All those things are as much a part of football as spoiled quarterbacks soliciting unwilling young women for sexual favors. The playoffs are in full swing as the new year begins and you expect me to abandon my season-long tradition of downing a shot of tequila when my team scores? You expect me not to go outside and light a cigarette in frustration when my team does something stupid? Or not go outside and light a cigarette in celebration of my team doing something awesome? Or not crack open a beer to get the taste of tequila out of my mouth? Or not have a cigarette with that beer. And there's half a beer left here; be a shame to drink it without some wings, pizza or nachos. Oh crap, there's more nachos here and my beer's gone; better open another.

Whoever invented the New Year's resolution could not have envisioned a nation whose vices went hand in hand with its national sport. We blame "the Holidays," for our ruined diets and excesses, but our real Holiday doesn't come until early February, when we can unite as a nation around one game. We aren't Christians, Jews, Muslims or atheists during the Super Bowl; we are Babylonian drunkards and gluttons, gathered at the arena's vomitorium so that we might purge ourselves and make room for more wings and beer.

So if you've already failed in your attempts to become a better you, don't blame yourselves, Americans. You belong to a unique place that worships a spectacle the rest of the world will never understand, try though they do. You're a football fan, even if you don't understand the game. The Holiday calendar still applies. Drink like a Greek God. Eat like a Roman Senator. Monday is the start of a New Year.

If They Met in Real Life: My Playoff Picks

Since they say that "on any given Sunday" any team can beat any other team in the NFL, I will ignore the Vegas odds makers and other criminals of the gambling world and employ my own method of picking the winners of this weekend's playoff games. The premise is simple: What would happen if you pitted the two mascots against each other in the real world? For example: if a Colt met a Bronco, that could conceivably end in a tie, as they are both horses. However, a Colt is a baby horse, so you would have to assume the more experienced and wild Bronco would be the victor in that battle.

Are you ready for some stupid football? Let's go.

I liked Baltimore's quarterback better when he was an Austrian rapper back in the 80's. That aside, what is a raven other than a roadkill-eating symbol of mythology and folklore? Can it really do much damage against the hard-working American steelworker? These people deal with molten metal and giant beams of solid steel, sparks flying, risks at every turn. A garbage-scavenging bird is not much to them. One whack from Polamalu's steel forearm to one of Flacco's little bird arms and game over. Alles klar, Herr Kommissar?

The packer, in essence, is a butcher, a meat packer. He wields a cleaver. The falcon, a noble bird to be sure, can maybe peck at his eyes a little bit, perhaps scratch an arm or the back of the packer. But in the end, the dirty bird's head is removed with a swift motion, blood splattering the packer's white apron. He holds the still twitching and headless bird aloft and shouts, "WHO NEEDS BRETT FAVRE NOW!"

This one is silly and too easy. While it is natural for us to regard the patriot kindly, holding him in our national memory as a strong and worthy foe, he is really not much more than a dirt farmer in rags, armed with a mere muzzle-loading musket. Some may think he's a handsome man with flowing locks, but in reality, those locks were infested with fleas and lice. He can maybe get off three shots in a minute if he is really good, (and not cheating) and those old guns aren't known for their accuracy. Of course we don't know what kind of jet he is up against. Could be a Gulf Stream, a 787 or an F-18. Either way, it's a jet, and that little musket ball is going to ding off the side of the fuselage with a very sad sound. The jet swings around and sucks the pretty boy patriot into its engine, leaving nothing but a fine pink mist in its wake.

The seahawk dines on fish. Good fish. Sushi-grade stuff from the waters of the Pacific northwest. This is also one of the habitats of the bear, who is himself a connoisseur of the scaly delicacies of the local waters. If we were deciding who is the better fisherman, the battle would go to the bird. If we were deciding "who wins the fight over the fish that the bear caught," the bird still wins. Think about it: bear catches fish, hawk swoops low and scares the bear into dropping the fish, then grabs it and flies away. But we are talking about the seahawk against the bear in a battle to the death. You can't hurt a bear without a really good gun designed for the sole purpose of hurting bear. Eventually, in all his beast mode confidence, the seahawk flies too close on one swoop and the bear slices him open with his murderous claw.

There you have it. Likely to be proven as accurate as anyone's predictions, and based in reality.

Zombie Refs

Don't mind me. I'm just entertaining myself this morning.  
(Click for a bigger version.)

You Can Tell A Lot From a Map

The football talking heads love to tell you that "on any given Sunday" any team can beat any other team. This is a lie. While the creation of new rules for the game has helped achieve the long-sought "parity*" that the league has pursued for years, it is clear from this playoff map I just created that there are some constants and consistencies. It almost looks like a map of the country's Westward Expansion.

• The Northeast is heavily represented in this year's playoff picture
• None of California's three teams made it
• None of Florida's three teams made it
• Both Texas teams are out
• Both Ohio teams are out
• Both Pennsylvania teams are in
• Bird mascots make up one-third of the playoff teams 

We can obviously infer from these facts the following:

• Warm weather teams suck
• Bill Belichick is a cheater
• Rex Ryan, despite his boasting, is not going to the Super Bowl
• The Seahawks, while having an awesome stadium, just plain don't belong here
• Everything is bigger in Texas, except football
• From the Great Plains to the Pacific Ocean, football is over
• The East Coast-West Coast debate is settled
• Pictures of Brett Favre's package will not be a part of Super Bowl coverage 

* The AFC has a combined win count of 130. The NFC's win count is 126. The best division in the AFC, the East, had 36 wins. The best in the NFC, the South, also had 36.

The Similarities are Striking

Both are recognized dynasties

Both are often referred to as “machines”

Both have been accused of cheating

Both crush opponents without mercy

Both are hated by more people than support them

Both are considered inevitable winners

Both are robotic and mechanical

The defeat of either would prompt spontaneous nationwide partying

Go Climb a Tree

This was the beginning of bringing kids indoors to simulate playing games they should've been playing outside. The spot opens with OJ. And thankfully, no one names their kid "Harvey" anymore. While the spot ends with the claim "Endorsed by your favorite pro stars and teams," they weren't allowed to include team insignias on the helmets in the opening.



I know most of the country will be rooting for the Indianapolis Mannings this weekend, but I've got my money here. (Love this old school crest with the cartoon crazy horse drawn in art therapy by a demon-possessed child suffering from a high fever.)

Thank God for Six Points

As an afterthought to yesterday’s post about the Miami Dolphins, and with the playoffs beginning tomorrow, I’ve been thinking of more ways the Dolphins can rebrand.

This team makeover will be a good opportunity for the new head coach to implement what I call “Gentlemen’s Football.” When the rest of the league sees that you mean business, they will respect you more. You might even learn to respect yourselves. You might win a game or two.

The following offenses by players will be punished with stiff fines, levied by the team.

Speaking to a reporter about yourself in the 3rd person

Speaking to a reporter indoors while wearing sunglasses

Speaking ill of your teammates or management

Celebrating a tackle

Celebrating a sack

Celebrating a touchdown

Getting on one or both knees after a touchdown

Making the sign of the cross after a touchdown (Fine is doubled if offender is not Catholic)

Pointing to heaven after a touchdown

Jumping in the air to bump chests, sides or backs in celebration of anything

Taunting opposing players or fans

Raising your arms to encourage the home crowd to cheer more

Trash talking

Stepping over a downed opposing player without offering a hand up

All "celebrations" will be simple, congratulatory handshakes between teammates. (Regular, business-styled handshakes. No finger snaps, fists or elaborate hand choreography.)

Fan adulation may by acknowledged with a polite nod and a smile.

Players scoring touchdowns will hand the ball to the nearest referee and jog to the sideline.

No offense to your faith, your mom or your many years of hard work that got you here, but you are highly paid professionals looked up to by millions of kids. Show some class. You guys went 1-15. It’s time to get serious about the game.

I can even see these gentlemen’s rules spreading to other teams.

Critiquing 8 Logos

I've come across some logos in black and white and have taken it upon myself to assess these logos for style and effectiveness.

Bear - a company from Chicago, goes with a simple lower case "c". Minimalist. I like the white outline. Slightly confusing and I have to wonder why the company didn't go with a "B" or a bear image.



Colt, out of Indianapolis, chooses a horseshoe as its logo. I guess when your company name means "baby horse," it's best not to be too literal. Good choice.


Patriot, from the Boston area, uses a disembodied Paul Revere character with a John Kerry chin flying through the air. Interesting and creepy. Beats their old logo of a squatting Paul Revere, however.


Saint, from New Orleans, inexplicably adopts the Boy Scout emblem for their corporate image. Strange choice, but oddly effective. Stands out . Like to see this one in color, please.


Philadelphia based Eagle went with this one winged image that works for me. A little too much outline, but it's nice to see they didn't go with an Eagle head, though I hear they do use that on some of their collateral material. Consistency, people.



Easily my least favorite, this is Baltimore based Raven. Cartoonish bird head with a B on it. Please try again.


Yet another bird-named company, Seahawk, out of Seattle, goes with a Pacific Northwest Native American totem pole-styled bird. Fierce, not too literal, and just PC-enough to please most everyone.


San Diego's Charger is confused. I have seen imagery wherein this company uses a horse to depict the corporate image and yet on most of their collateral material we see this lightning bolt. Either you are a horse, or you are electricity. You can't have it both ways. This logo, however, is simple and elegant. Run with it.