Why Americans Fail at New Year's Resolutions

In a word: football. How am I supposed to quit smoking, cut back on drinking, ease up on the fatty snacks and grease-soaked goodness when there's a game on this weekend? All those things are as much a part of football as spoiled quarterbacks soliciting unwilling young women for sexual favors. The playoffs are in full swing as the new year begins and you expect me to abandon my season-long tradition of downing a shot of tequila when my team scores? You expect me not to go outside and light a cigarette in frustration when my team does something stupid? Or not go outside and light a cigarette in celebration of my team doing something awesome? Or not crack open a beer to get the taste of tequila out of my mouth? Or not have a cigarette with that beer. And there's half a beer left here; be a shame to drink it without some wings, pizza or nachos. Oh crap, there's more nachos here and my beer's gone; better open another.

Whoever invented the New Year's resolution could not have envisioned a nation whose vices went hand in hand with its national sport. We blame "the Holidays," for our ruined diets and excesses, but our real Holiday doesn't come until early February, when we can unite as a nation around one game. We aren't Christians, Jews, Muslims or atheists during the Super Bowl; we are Babylonian drunkards and gluttons, gathered at the arena's vomitorium so that we might purge ourselves and make room for more wings and beer.

So if you've already failed in your attempts to become a better you, don't blame yourselves, Americans. You belong to a unique place that worships a spectacle the rest of the world will never understand, try though they do. You're a football fan, even if you don't understand the game. The Holiday calendar still applies. Drink like a Greek God. Eat like a Roman Senator. Monday is the start of a New Year.

The Return of "Coffee With Jesus"

Clickage recommended.

You Can Tell A Lot From a Map

The football talking heads love to tell you that "on any given Sunday" any team can beat any other team. This is a lie. While the creation of new rules for the game has helped achieve the long-sought "parity*" that the league has pursued for years, it is clear from this playoff map I just created that there are some constants and consistencies. It almost looks like a map of the country's Westward Expansion.

• The Northeast is heavily represented in this year's playoff picture
• None of California's three teams made it
• None of Florida's three teams made it
• Both Texas teams are out
• Both Ohio teams are out
• Both Pennsylvania teams are in
• Bird mascots make up one-third of the playoff teams 

We can obviously infer from these facts the following:

• Warm weather teams suck
• Bill Belichick is a cheater
• Rex Ryan, despite his boasting, is not going to the Super Bowl
• The Seahawks, while having an awesome stadium, just plain don't belong here
• Everything is bigger in Texas, except football
• From the Great Plains to the Pacific Ocean, football is over
• The East Coast-West Coast debate is settled
• Pictures of Brett Favre's package will not be a part of Super Bowl coverage 

* The AFC has a combined win count of 130. The NFC's win count is 126. The best division in the AFC, the East, had 36 wins. The best in the NFC, the South, also had 36.

Are you Ready for Some... Man, I Don't Like that Hank Jr. Guy

But I'm sure he'll be back in a week, kicking off Monday Night Football in all his Super-American glory. Found on the side of the road was this Minnesota Vikings car flag. Now, if I'm a Minnesota fan, this would give me pause. Help me, Vikings lovers, by participating in my very scientific poll embedded after the picture.

Don't Get All Bent Outta Shape

A new logo for Indy.

Our Annual National Feast and Holy Day of Obligation

Pardon us, world, but this is our religion, and this morning even the space shuttle decided not to take off in deference to the Mighty Game at Hand. And we don't care if you prefer your silly soccer that you jokingly call football over our game. You WILL watch our game. And your commerce shall cease as all your eyes turn this way to marvel at our ability to put on a giant show.

By now you should know the back stories. There's a guy who is helping survivors of Hurricane Katrina. Or maybe there are a bunch of those guys. There's another whose uncle recently died, and on his deathbed he told his nephew, "You must win the Super Bowl or my soul shall never be at rest." And he gasped his last and gripped the nephew's hand, pressing a special heirloom trinket into it, which the young player now keeps in his locker and kisses before every game. There's the quarterback hand-picked by God himself to deliver a city from its trials, and anyone who's ever been to Indianapolis knows what a trying city it can be. Then there's fate, destiny and many titles to be bestowed on various players by washed-up-jock columnists and cliche-spouting talking heads. Someone will be the MVP, another will play with more heart and soul and grit and temerity, (they love that word and once they love a word, expect them all to use it) and another will be carted off the turf, giving a guilt-freeing thumbs-up to us all as we applaud his sacrifice on the field of battle and the temerity with which he played the game, perhaps this being his very last, tragically. Now let's get back to smashing heads and finding out more about the breast cancer of the second string defensive end's mother-in-law. 

I love football. It's a fun sport. But I hate the Super Bowl and what it has become. I will probably laugh at a few commercials and cringe at others that involve Danica Patrick and that smarmy GoDaddy CEO. But as in the past, I am not engaging in what has become as much a part of this game as a sad old band playing their greatest hits at halftime, the business of reviewing Super Bowl ads. That will be handled on countless blogs by more accurate and fairer reviewers. I will enjoy some wings and beer though, I'm pretty sure. My country expects no less from me.

Futbol Should Be Like This More Often

I'd watch your "International" sport if it had more moments like this.



(Also liking the yellow Coca-Cola logo behind the goal.)

You'd Never See a (US) Football Team in These

Orlando is a melting pot of cultures, and it is not uncommon to spot groups of men from Latin America, Europe, the Caribbean and the Middle East playing soccer on the weekends. This team, walking off the field in their pink jerseys, kind of stood out in the crowd. I'm betting they lost.
Photographed at Sylvan Lake Park.

Nike Ad Disses Chicago Bears

With apologies to British visitors to this blog, (and New York Punks) who not only don't care for American football, but seem to openly despise it, I must blog about football today, but with a tie-in to advertising.

The Chicago Bears aren't happy about this Nike ad, in which San Diego Charger LaDainian Tomlinson is shown making their defense look inept, weak and just plain bad. As luck (or some copywriter with an NFL schedule and some foresight) would have it, the two teams face off in their season opener today (4PM, ET), in which the Bears hope to prove this ad is nothing but fantasy.

I'm a Chargers fan, but living in Florida means I only get to watch the Dolphins, Bucs and Jags, three teams that inspire no loyalty from me. If I wanted to watch San Diego play, I'd have to buy that NFL package and switch to a satellite service, but that kind of investment and commitment would necessitate wearing a jersey and a hat, eating nachos, wings, hot dogs and chips all day long while sitting around with all my out-of-shape buddies, getting louder and more obnoxious as the beers flow well into the evening. And then there's another game on at 8:15, then game recaps until dawn and before you know it, it's time to go to work and you're worthless.

Look around your office on Monday. There will be a high percentage of people with bags under their eyes, drinking way too much coffee and not participating with very much enthusiasm in meetings. These people stayed up to watch the Giants-Cowboys game. A storied rivalry, it practically guarantees that offices in New York and Dallas will be abuzz with football talk most of the day, win or lose.

George Will, the American political pundit and baseball lover, has made more than a few jabs at football in his day. Here's one:

"Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings."

Let THE Game Begin

Images of the recently injured David Beckham are floating around along with the accompanying stories on what might've been for soccer in America had he remained healthy. One man was never going to do it for soccer here, and we will never care for it on a national level. Ever. We get interested around World Cup time, and even then only superficially.

NFL (the real football, the ONLY football for Americans) gets underway this Thursday. And Peyton Manning is back to his silly ways in this well-conceived promo for NBC Sports, also featuring New Orlean's Saint Reggie Bush.