The Dave Mark

I don't want to Art Direct, but...yes I do.

So the other day I came up with a logo for myself.

Using one symbol.

Flip it upside down, it's the same.

Turn it around backwards, it's sort of the same. But not really. Nevermind that.

Greater Than.

Up.

Down.

Less Than.

OK, enough trying to assign meaning to it. What I like is that it's my name spelled with no actual letters.


I present...the mark.

So, all you REAL Art Directors, Designers, Junior Designers, Associate Creative Directors and Production Artists, feel free to tell me where this falls short. I'm used to it. As I've always said, I know just enough Photoshop to completely frustrate a real designer.

That's How You Sell Coffee

Back in the old days, Hills Bros Coffee used this sleepy old Ethiopian man in a nightgown to sell coffee. He's shuffling through the kitchen, guzzling his coffee with abandon, praying to his God that the waking powers of the ground beans will jolt his old ass up out of his stupor. It's not working.

Turns out, however, he's not just trying to wake up. He's a connoisseur. He's known as "The Taster."

A young artist named Briggs offers to create a company trademark. His design, the ‘taster’, inspired by the coffee’s Ethiopian origin, is welcomed by Austin and R.W. A life-size statue is still present at the Hills Bros. San Francisco building.

A white Ethiopian. OK. That's what you get in 1906, I guess. Not sure when Hills Bros. ditched Sleepy Grandpa, but he's left the scene in favor of font-only packaging.

But moving forward...

Now that the Keurig system has taken over the world, putting all other home brew systems virtually out of business (and completely shutting down the very fine Senseo brand, which made a better cup than Keurig as far as I was concerned) we have more than enough options as far as brand and flavor.  Yes, Hills Bros. is still in the game, along with perennial players Folger's and Maxwell House, but I'm sure they're all lagging far behind Keurig's own brand, Green Mountain, makers of Dark Magic, Donut Shop and probably whatever you have in your kitchen. Starbucks has a nice chunk of the market, no doubt, but I say make way for some old players in youthed-up packaging.

Enter these kids selling Cafe Bustelo, a very rich, old Spanish/Puerto Rican/Cuban blend (a long story - check their website for the history). It's pretty much an espresso roast available in K-cups. It packs a mean morning punch, as evidenced by their ultra-caffeinated feats of acrobatic daring, gravity-defying gyrations and crazy smiles. These kids are JACKED.

Various incarnations of these young Latin coffee addicts appear on the packaging of Cafe Bustelo K-cups. Look for them at your grocer's.

I was not paid for this endorsement. But I should've been.  

GM, Goodby Pulling Stupid Stunt

In today's New York Times, an internal Chevrolet memo is reported on, and I'm calling "Bullshit." According to two idiots in GM's upper management,

"We’d ask that whether you’re talking to a dealer, reviewing dealer advertising or speaking with friends and family, that you communicate our brand as Chevrolet moving forward."

They also say,

"When you look at the most recognized brands throughout the world, such as Coke or Apple for instance, one of the things they all focus on is the consistency of their branding. Why is this consistency so important? The more consistent a brand becomes, the more prominent and recognizable it is with the consumer. This is a big opportunity for us moving forward."

As if Coke isn't also called Coca-Cola. And yes, they said, "Moving forward" twice. The article then quotes one Klaus-Peter Martin, a GM spokesman, who confirmed the memo, saying, "We’re going to use Chevrolet instead of Chevy going forward in our communications." Martin said the move is linked to Chevy's switch to new agency Goodby, Silverstein & Partners.

Going forward. Moving forward. Branding. Consistency in branding. Bullshit. As if Chevy isn't just as well known a name (if not more so) as Chevrolet. If this is Goodby's doing, I'm disappointed. An agency known for good work shouldn't pull stupid stunts like this. This has the stench of set-up. I suspect a turnaround in a few months. A calculated and transparent "change of heart" where the big wigs at Chevy will announce something to the effect of,

"The American people have spoken. They love the nickname "Chevy." We miscalculated in our efforts to be consistent in our branding. We can no more change America's mind about America's favorite car than we could ask them not to salute the flag, eat apple pie and play baseball. Going forward, you can call Chevrolet "Chevy" all you want, and you can keep calling it America's favorite car."

If I'm wrong and this isn't just a stupid stunt, then it's just plain stupid. A brand should be lucky to have an affectionate nickname. McDonald's embraces "Mickey D's" and up until now, Chevrolet has always embraced "Chevy."

And not surprisingly, a few pages after the article is a full-page ad from Chevy announcing that its Equinox model has won some award from Consumer's Digest. And where do they tell us we can go to learn more? Chevy.com.

(Go on. Click it. I worked hard mutilating this old Chevy ad)

Krazy With a Capital K

If It's Pain They Want

As an unemployed writer, I am considering all my career options, including becoming the host of my own show on the Food Network. It will be about making food in a kitchen, or something. But if I'm going to do that, I'd better have a line of overpriced products ready to ship to my legions of devoted viewers.

I note that hot sauce manufacturers are increasingly naming their products things like "Death," "Misery," "Anguish," "Pain," "Torture," and other words that dare the modern foodie with a penchant for hot stuff to douse their dishes with a splash of masochism. I like spicy food, but I draw the line at hurting myself to eat it. But if that's how the game is played, I will beat them at it.

UPDATE: I'm late to the game, as Chris notes in the comments, linking us to "Screaming Sphincter" and "Anal Angst."

Vehicle Graphics

Designed for an as-yet imaginary vehicle to be used in an as-yet imaginary endeavor. But we traffic in imagination.
The emblem on the corner of the trailer is from another imaginary endeavor.

Who Wants to Start a Brewery?

Or at least get an existing brewery to pick up a new brand. New World Beer. (Not to be confused with a home brew strain by the same name.)

Taste? What does taste have to do with anything? You gonna tell me Dos Equis is a great beer? 'Course it ain't. But it's got a great campaign behind it. I think I have a good name for a brew here, in honor of the guy who planted a flag in the Dominican Republic a few centuries ago. We can mess with the label art and all that, of course. And once we've got all the REAL work done, THEN we make a beer that isn't half bad and we tell everyone it's awesome, will make them cool, get them laid and define their lives.

mas grande

There is No Escaping Dan Marino

Especially not in South Florida, where his near misses at bringing Miami a championship are still rewarded with all kinds of spokesman deals, including the amusing juxtaposition of Hooter's and Viagra. He does car dealerships, jewelry stores, and to get to Dolphin Stadium, you will likely have to travel on Dan Marino Boulevard. Of course he's also one of a few national spokesmen for some weight loss meal deal and you can't avoid him on the weekends if you watch football. I don't know, he's always struck me as kind of...dickish.

Brett Favre, pay attention. Marino has paved the way for retired QBs who can't leave the spotlight. When you finally realize (again) in Minnesota that the glory is gone, you can still bask in the afterglow for decades to come, if you so choose. But maybe you'll be different. An equally talented QB who goes by the name of Dan who also doesn't have a Super Bowl ring (and who keeps a much lower profile) is Dan Fouts. (Not that he hasn't tried to boost that profile, apparently.)

Here in Orlando, all three Florida teams compete for our loyalty. We've got no team, so we get to be fairweather fans. We are encouraged to drive to Tampa to see the Bucs. Jacksonville is not so far away either and the Jags would love our money. And now I'm seeing Dolphins billboards on my way to work, encouraging me to drive down to Dolphin Stadium to watch the fish play.

What's that? It's now Land Shark Stadium? Oh, God. No.

Oh, well. All the more reason to go with one of the team's original name ideas, The Sharks.

Miami Sharks. Think about that rebranding opportunity, Miami. That name kicks the shit out of Jaguars and Buccaneers any day. You could get the uncommitted and coveted I4 Corridor football fan with a brand like that. We've got a trio of shitty teams to choose from. Make us want it.

Spin Your Wheels

Sometimes, you just have to think of it as a job.


The client has a very cumbersome and limiting name. Trouble is, they've been known by this mouthful of a name since 1945. At first, I suggested a simple shortening of the current name, keeping the main element that people know them by. A change was necessary, I argued, but a drastic change would likely alienate a large portion of their base. (Sorry, I'm being vague by necessity.) We were asked to come up with some alternatives. We submitted many, as did a naming/branding company that was paid tens of thousands of dollars. Naturally, the client wanted to see logos and taglines. Same deal. At least a hundred logos. At least 300 tags for the various name possibilities. They kept saying, "Use this word in the tagline. Use this element in the logo. No, give me a synonym for that word. I want to see this in another color."

Last night they held a board meeting in which the final few names would be narrowed down to a winner. After eight months and countless man hours, they elected to shorten their old name.

A colossal waste of time, or just how it works as people justify their bloated salaries and unnecessary positions? Maybe the process was required to show them that they already have an established brand.

Now that a name has been finalized, I expect to be involved in at least 30 meetings where we will listen to a dozen groups of unqualified people assess logos and taglines as they toss around the word "branding" as if they knew what it meant. I'm so looking forward to this.

"Fried" is a Four Letter Word

Cringe with me, won't you, by visiting KFC.com. Close your eyes in shame and hang your head as you watch the white lady dance with drumsticks.

The "F" in KFC stands for "fried," as you might guess from the image below.



Now KFC wants you to "unthink" what you know about KFC.

Bad start.

Years ago, Kentucky Fried Chicken decided they needed to shed the whole "fried" image and start calling themselves "KFC." I remember an old Dennis Miller bit from that time in which he said, "It's chicken. Let's not try to hip it up too much, OK?"

And yet here they are, still using the word "fried" prominently on their current website, signs and advertising. Why not just call yourselves "Kentucky Heart Attack Chicken" or "Kentucky Clogged Arteries Chicken?"

Now they want us to think of them as "grilled," even though they still call themselves "fried."

Confused much, KFC?

You need to decide what the hell you want to be and be it. And don't ask me to "unthink" when you're clearly the ones who need to start thinking.

How about dropping the adjective altogether and just be "Kentucky Chicken?" Or how about just "The Colonel's?" A massive, chain-wide rebranding will be expensive and difficult, but it beats this schizo image you're presenting.

Sure, "fried" is a dirty word nowadays, and KFC understandably needs to move away from it. But pull the plug already. Anytime you tell your customers to "stop thinking about us this way!" you are digging a hole. And as you ask them to stop thinking of you that way while still calling yourself that, you're just being stupid. I'm sure the agency knows this, but I'm also sure they're up against a bureaucratic corporation that can't quite "unthink" their old image.

Great Explorers and Their Cunning Branding

It's going to be 85 today.

It is said that Erik the Red misleadingly named Greenland in order to lure settlers. True, portions of Greenland are green, but for the most part, Erik was a con man real estate speculator. I've also heard that they named Iceland in order to ward off settlers, as in, "We're keeping this paradise a secret." (I'm boring the American readers right now, who regard Greenland and Iceland as part of Canada or Denmark or someplace where they wear wooden shoes.)

Years ago, when Central Florida was being discovered by wealthy Northeasterners, they were in the same situation as Erik. They needed more people down here to make their little dream of paradise a reality, so they branded everything with the name "Winter." Winter Garden, Winter Haven, Winter Park, Winter Springs. And the people came, and they were all, "Damn! Someone needs to invent air conditioning! Why didn't you name it 'Sweltering Hell Hole'? or 'Place of Many Bugs'? We're going home. Send us more oranges."

And then the great explorer and con man real estate speculator Walt Disney bought up a bunch of land really cheap and the people came back to see what Walt had built. And they were all, "Damn! It's 85 degrees in December. Let's move here." And now everything is named after an imaginary village in Tuscany.

This Blog's Brand

Got a nice email today from Gordon, a longtime reader from I don't know where, who noted how often I change the banner at the top of the blog. He said the feet in the grass version wasn't doing a good job of conveying the concept of "Where's My Jetpack?" I had to agree and took his advice to change it back to the 60s-era astronaut standing in the water of some idyllic Tahitian resort.

I have a Photoshop document that consists of over 70 layers just for that banner and I change it as often as I wash my jeans, which is to say about once a week. One thing that remains a constant in the banner is the inclusion of Major Mike Adams, an Air Force test pilot who died in the California desert in 1967. (You can see the original image here.)

There is a nonchalant cool conveyed in that photograph and Adams seems impatient to be posing. He almost sneers at the photographer as he stands with his weight on one leg. There is something very American about that picture. It's got attitude, rebellion and patriotism all at once. It speaks to me of a healthy discontentedness with the way things are and a desire to make them better. It pretty much shouts, "Where's My Jetpack?"

Maybe He'll Toss You a Guitar Pick

John McCain is heading to Mexico and Columbia to scavenge for respect among Hispanics, hoping to secure a stronghold among that powerful block of voters. Barack Obama will set off for Europe and the Middle East in mid-July to try to show that he’s got foreign policy skills. If international polling is any indication, and there’s no reason to think it shouldn't be, Obama is going to be a monster rockstar on this tour. His camp is said to be trying to avoid the huge crowds he drew here, but I think they should just run with it. Let it be what it is; an unexplainable phenomenon.

I read and hear the word “brand” used in association with political parties and politicians every day of late. It’s become the buzzword du jour among the talking heads who don’t really know what they’re saying. Hannity or Colmes are not branding experts. They are talking-point regurgitators. But Obama’s brand, while suffering some recent tarnishing around the edges here in the states, is about to get a major boost as the crowds will come out in force overseas, an image that will get wide play back here, further infuriating the right wing and reigniting their talk of “cult” and “messiah.” Even more frustrating for them will be images of hundreds or thousands of American soldiers and Marines in Iraq eager to shake Obama's hand.

If they insist on talking about brands, here’s a good analogy: Obama is The Rolling Stones or U2, selling out the O2 arena in London for consecutive nights. McCain is Merv and The Mellotones, playing to a small crowd of business travelers Tuesday through Thursday in the lounge at the Springfield Regional Airport Holiday Inn.

Tuscanize Your Brand

Just as we Americans are total suckers for an English accent when it's used in broadcast advertising, we are also drawn to all things that have the mysterious "Tuscan" tag affixed to them. I'm not sure when The Tuscan Trend™ (or TTT™) started, but I suspect it was around the time of the release of Kenneth Branagh's adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing, which was filmed in Tuscany. Whenever and however it started, TTT™ shows no signs of dying. Label it "Tuscan," marketers, and Americans will buy it.

In Chapel Hill, North Carolina, build your new home at Tuscany Ridge.

There's a Tuscany Ridge in St. Augustine, Florida.

How about The Estates at Tuscany Ridge in Tampa, Florida?

Maybe a West Virginian notion of a Tuscan Ridge is more to your liking.

Perfect your game at the Tuscan Ridge Golf Club in Paradise, California.

And what happens in Tuscany Village, Las Vegas, Nevada stays in Tuscany Village.

Visit Disney here in Orlando and stay just minutes away at a vacation home in Tuscan Ridge.

After a busy day at the parks, head over to Outback Steakhouse for the Chargrilled Tuscan Ribeye.

Dine at the Tuscany Grill in Suntree, Florida.

Or dine at the completely unrelated Tuscany Grill in Middletown, Connecticut.

Or dine at one of the 26 Brio Tuscan Grilles in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Kentucky, Michigan, Missouri, Nevada, New Jersey, North Carolina, Ohio, Texas or Virginia.

Would you like to view The Chardonnay floorplan at the Tuscany Ridge Apartments in Temecula, California? (They also feature The Chablis, The Merlot, The Cabernet and The Bourdeaux. Classy.)

Slightly more affordable are the Tuscany Ridge Apartments in Peoria, Arizona.

I have not even scratched the surface of the Tuscan Naming Craze. Those were just random Googlings of the phrase "Tuscan Ridge." Try "Tuscan Hills" and you'll find another few hundred thousand.

Be it tile, paint, furniture, real estate, food or drink, we will somehow attach this image to any item named Tuscan: A Sunny Afternoon Feast spread out on a Big Oak Table Outdoors with a Rolling Hills Countryside Background while a Gentle Breeze Blows through a Renaissance Romance. Ah, yes. People will pay for that image. They will pay more than whatever you're selling is worth.

Maybe it's me, but when I think of a Tuscan apartment, I've got something more like this* in mind.

(And this reminds me that I need to do a post on the whole Olde English way of spelling stuff in new developments here in America, like towne, centre or shoppes.)

*Not really in Tuscany, but further north in the Pennavaire Valley, in the town of Colletta, being billed as a "Medieval e-Village" with Broadband for everyone. Exceedingly cool.

He Would've Made a Cool Brand Icon

Like the Quaker Oats guy, or even Cap'n Crunch. Can't you see that serious but slightly smiling face on a label, the wild hair and beard alerting you to what must've been an original personality?

Born in England, he came to America as a boy, living in New York, later Minnesota and finally New Jersey. He was schooled at a seminary in upstate New York. He became a physician, later changing professions to dentistry. He founded a dental products company and a dentistry journal.

At the age of 44, he discovered a way to pasteurize wine so that fermentation was stopped. A staunch prohibitionist, he convinced local churches to use his unfermented wine for communion services.

The man above is Dr. Thomas Bramwell Welch. He founded Welch’s Grape Juice Company. Because it sounded better than Crazy Preacherman’s Fake Wine.

And why am I posting this? Because I just finished a small bottle of Welch’s grape juice and noted the “since 1869” on the label, which made me curious. So I looked it up. On Wikipedia.

Remember when you had to go to a library to find out useless stuff?

Your Time is Gonna Come

I got an invitation to join YET ANOTHER network thingy today. This one was for “Spock.”

Cute.

Don’t need it. Won’t use it. (I know it's been around a few months, but this was the first time I was invited to "join.")

Spock is “a search application that allows you to see what people are saying about your friends and colleagues.”

Whatever.

At some point, this has to stop. How many different ways do we need to be “linked-in?” And which one is the best? How many different ways can I twitter your myspace or digg your facebook? What does it matter if I “know” someone you “know?” Are we going to transact business? I sincerely doubt it. Maybe we’ll talk about what an idiot you are behind your back.

A former colleague has apparently been viewing questionable content on myspace and now I get two comments a day from him about ringtones. Thanks, dude. I’m deleting you as my “friend.”

I say everyone just get a website. I’ll link to you if I like you and I will check on you once in a while. I may even comment on your blog if I have a moment. If you are in business, title and tag your pages with something semi-related to what you do, and I might find you in my search engine of choice

This giant overloaded blimp called Web 2.0 is about to go down in flames. There are a bunch of "thought leaders" in the "interactive space" on board, and they're wearing gasoline-soaked suits, walking around lighting matches. Show me one client who turned a blog post into actual revenue and I will show you 50 who tried it and found it to be a colossal waste of time. Show me how Facebook helped your clients. Give me a case study on how being Linked-In was beneficial in DOLLARS (not Linden dollars). Show me how having 10,000 “friends” is worth two shits. And if you say, “It’s about branding. It’s about name recognition,” then we’re done talking because you are selling snake oil.

The World's Most Famous Brand

Click it for maximum viewocity

A collage after lots of image searching. I'm sure most of these are copyrighted. Too bad.

From the iconic to the ironic, with a few moronic thrown in for good measure. It's not meant to be patriotic. It's about branding.

Idea for collage found in this article.

A Holiday IM with Macy's

So, Macy’s, what’s with the red star?
Our founder, Rowland Hussey Macy, had a red star tattooed on his hand as a 15 year old boy. He was a sailor, and sailors like tattoos. The red star is a symbol of success. It has been our corporate symbol since 1858.
It was also the symbol of Soviet-era communism.
It was our symbol first.
One of the earlier terrorist groups, the Red Army Faction of West Germany, used the red star as their symbol.
It was our symbol first.
Labor Day is a big deal with Macy’s.
Yes. It always has been.
You mean it always has been since maybe around the time of the Russian Revolution?
What are you getting at?
Labor Day is all about socialism.
No. It’s about honoring America’s workers.
OK. I’ll give you that one. Still.
What?
Your new ads for your Labor Day Sale.
Yes?
Is it coincidence that you have red, white and blue debris falling from the sky and being trampled underfoot by the red star of Socialism?
Very astute. Must be one of those tattooed, leftist designers. I'll have a word with our ad people.
Good luck with that, and thanks for your time. God Bless America.
Indeed. Long may she wave.

If you believe this IM conversation actually took place, please, as a good US American, send some maps to South Africa and the Iraz, such as.

When Your Company Name Becomes a Killer

Always have a backup plan when naming a product or service. You never know when bad news might affect business.

(Of course it's not just companies, it can be people too. You know this guy gets all kinds of ribbing even today. And this poor guy.)

I'm not sure how things are going for Manson Construction out of Seattle, but they've probably weathered the toughest part by now. Same goes for Kansas City Chevy dealer Cable-Dahmer.

Those companies stuck it out and stayed in business, likely saying, "We will not tarnish the memory of Great Grandaddy Manson, who gave all he had to this company. This too, shall pass."

Not so for this unfortunate company. Sales dropped 50% in the aftermath of the discovery of AIDS and they eventually gave up.



You never know when a lone gunman with your name or an epidemic that sounds like your name will strike. Your business strategy should include an emergency plan for these unfortunate possibilities.

I'm not kidding. This former Chiefs wide receiver could've broken every NFL receiving record and still never landed on the first page of Google when someone searched his name.