Just a Damn Dumb Campaign

Quaker State, you disappoint me. This lazy, stupid, not funny campaign is not edgy, like you thought it was when you approved it. It's not turning heads and making people go, "Hell yeah!" I suspect that even guys who still change their own oil are not walking the aisles of Walmart or Autozone and going, "Heh. Just damn good oil. Yeah, that's the one for me." Most of those guys became loyal to their oil decades ago, and your in-your-face boast is not changing their minds.

Other iterations of this crap campaign say, "Nothing Sexy. Just Damn Good Oil." 

Nothing Creative. Just Damn Lazy Advertising.

Ken Fox - Brand Manager

Inspired by the true story of a very fine company I've done some work for that recently made a key personnel change at the company's headquarters.

GM, Goodby Pulling Stupid Stunt

In today's New York Times, an internal Chevrolet memo is reported on, and I'm calling "Bullshit." According to two idiots in GM's upper management,

"We’d ask that whether you’re talking to a dealer, reviewing dealer advertising or speaking with friends and family, that you communicate our brand as Chevrolet moving forward."

They also say,

"When you look at the most recognized brands throughout the world, such as Coke or Apple for instance, one of the things they all focus on is the consistency of their branding. Why is this consistency so important? The more consistent a brand becomes, the more prominent and recognizable it is with the consumer. This is a big opportunity for us moving forward."

As if Coke isn't also called Coca-Cola. And yes, they said, "Moving forward" twice. The article then quotes one Klaus-Peter Martin, a GM spokesman, who confirmed the memo, saying, "We’re going to use Chevrolet instead of Chevy going forward in our communications." Martin said the move is linked to Chevy's switch to new agency Goodby, Silverstein & Partners.

Going forward. Moving forward. Branding. Consistency in branding. Bullshit. As if Chevy isn't just as well known a name (if not more so) as Chevrolet. If this is Goodby's doing, I'm disappointed. An agency known for good work shouldn't pull stupid stunts like this. This has the stench of set-up. I suspect a turnaround in a few months. A calculated and transparent "change of heart" where the big wigs at Chevy will announce something to the effect of,

"The American people have spoken. They love the nickname "Chevy." We miscalculated in our efforts to be consistent in our branding. We can no more change America's mind about America's favorite car than we could ask them not to salute the flag, eat apple pie and play baseball. Going forward, you can call Chevrolet "Chevy" all you want, and you can keep calling it America's favorite car."

If I'm wrong and this isn't just a stupid stunt, then it's just plain stupid. A brand should be lucky to have an affectionate nickname. McDonald's embraces "Mickey D's" and up until now, Chevrolet has always embraced "Chevy."

And not surprisingly, a few pages after the article is a full-page ad from Chevy announcing that its Equinox model has won some award from Consumer's Digest. And where do they tell us we can go to learn more? Chevy.com.

(Go on. Click it. I worked hard mutilating this old Chevy ad)

Seriously, Not a Good Name For Your Daycare

If You Say It Like This, It's Probably Not True

You are cutting edge, eh? And hip as well?

From the job description:

We are a highly creative, cutting edge, hip, and young agency and we’re looking for someone to fit in effortlessly! Applicants must have a high tolerance for pranks, jokes, and the random mix of music we all play while working.

I'm all for a fun work environment and liking the people I work with, but I must edit you now:

We are a highly pretentious bunch of third-tier wankers, struggling to stay afloat in a world of better talent. We’re looking for someone fresh out of college willing to work for next-to-nothing while tolerating our self-satisfied smugness as we fart out loud and try to best each other with shitty indie music you've never heard.

If you're interested, the job is in Tallahassee and the posting is at Craigslist Orlando.

If you fit the bill, you will be awarded with a fake-candid black and white photograph on the company's "About Us" page, where a hip and irreverent bio about you will not be funny at all.

Previously: How to Start an Agency.

Image above from "Your Scene Sucks."

No. Wrong. Do Over.

You are not supposed to think of sun when you think of milk. It makes you think of warm, almost spoiled milk. Here in America, we like our milk cold, just like our beer. And your logo, Sunny Florida? Seriously? I can't count the levels of wrong this thing is. But you've been around since 1911, so what the hell do I know?

Business Headlines From Bad Novels

Probably a graphic novel. My RSS reader brought me this headline, which to me sounds like a super villain taking charge of some evil and greedy multinational group with intentions of world domination. Raydon? Classically bad name for a company.

I envision Vollmar gazing pensively over the city from his austere penthouse office, a black cat on his lap. A sinister smile appears on his thin lips as he sips his afternoon tea.

"Raydon is now ours, Lucifer," he whispers to the cat.

Quaker Gets a Makeover

Following in the footsteps of Colonel Sanders, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker and others, the Quaker Oats company has decided to update their iconic logo to reflect a changing market.

"Consumers tended to see our brand as old and staid, according to extensive market research," said Kirk Phingerinwind, head of Brand Redevelopment and Evangelism Management for Quaker, "and we felt now was the time to update our beloved old Quaker man and help our company relate to the streets, as it were."

Sporting a fresh haircut and shunning his traditional Quaker garb, Quaker man now dons a trucker hat and a pin-striped blazer over an opened white shirt. Quaker man also underwent minor cosmetic surgery to eliminate a double chin and sagging jowls, giving him what designers call "an almost geriatric androgyny."

"Heart-healthy fiber is cool," said Phingerinwind, "and New Quaker man will convey just how cool."

Redesigning the US Flag

I grew up in a very patriotic household, and flag respect was taught at an early age. For example, “If the flag touches the ground it is required that we burn it,” or “The flag will never be flown at night unless it is illuminated,” and “The flag shall not be worn as a bandana, t-shirt or any other article of clothing.” (And those were Mom's rules. Dad's were even more stringent.) But even with all that built-in respect, I find that I hate the American flag.

Now, before you get your patriotic panties all in a wad, allow me to clarify: I think the design of the US flag is hideous. It’s the world’s most tasteless and gaudy flag design. What were they thinking when they came up with this thing? Besides the fact that it is “star spangled” (the gayest term ever) it’s also off balance. In some instances it can actually look like it’s being displayed backward. We’re accustomed to seeing the blue part on the left, but when it’s on the right sleeve, or on the right side of an airplane, the blue is on the right. (The reason they do this is that the flag must never look like it is in retreat; it is always displayed moving forward, as into battle.) And what happens if we add more states some day? We gonna make room for more stars in the blue field? Stupid idea to add stars every time you add a state. And thirteen red and white stripes? Dumb. Looks like peppermint.

So, let’s fix it. I’m calling for entries. Send them to jetpacks(at)gmail(dot)com. Here’s mine.














UPDATE: Dad weighs in. "uh oh .....touchy subject! I would imagine you'll get some responses! Personally I like the design...maybe because I grew up with it...but I think it's the best looking flag out there. And adding a star for a state? That's dynamic! "

When is a Name Change in Order?

About now, I'd think. This is our Arena Football League team.