Get a Job, Loser

A local staffing firm said they were referred to me for a position they're trying to fill. They asked that if I wasn't the right fit, could I please send them someone who was. I wouldn't wish the job they're offering on anyone.

Is it just me, or is this job profile depressing, insulting, ludicrous and a sad commentary on the state of creative opportunities out there of late? (Click for large.)

To top it all off, you'll obviously be creating keyword-loaded content for a law firm - likely one specializing in personal injury.

Take My Card

I've posted this before, but I'm putting it out there again for those who may not have taken one the last time I passed them out. You don't need my address, my office phone number, my mobile phone number, my Linked-In profile, my resume, a cover letter, a fax number, my title or any of the other antiquated bits of information people are still putting on their business cards. Twitter about does it anymore. What's that? You want to see a portfolio? My blog or my Twitter stream are now my portfolio. There are over 1800 entries on this blog, some of them not bad. I am available for work anywhere on earth. And I recently got a passport if you still feel the need to do that whole "meet in person" thing. It's pretty and blue and sits safely in a strongbox, the combination of which I will struggle to remember should the time come.

Some services have not been listed. Offer subject to change without notice. Respondents must be at least 18 years of age as of 8/11/10. Not valid with any other offer. Void where prohibited by law.

Job Seekers Who Do Not Meet All Requirements Need Not Apply

It doesn't matter that you can demonstrate award-winning skills in a variety of disciplines. They know exactly what they want in a candidate, and you are not it.

What few job offers that are out there these days have a specific specialist in mind. The days of the creative generalist seem to be winding down. I saw a quote from Tina Brown in the paper today:

"No one I know has a job anymore. They've got Gigs."

In today's "Boys of the Credenza" comic, The Creative Team meets with the Human Resources Director. (Based on an actual ad I found on Career Builder. Click for the big.)

I Think They Called it an "Icebox"

I'm a big fan of the oddly juxtaposed, the weird and off the wall, which is why when coming across this image for a 1950 refrigerator in an old copy of LIFE magazine over at Google Books, I felt the need to stock the fridge with beer. I don't know, just something about a bunch of proper ladies playing bridge and getting excited about binge drinking pleases me. It was kind of sad to imagine the original intent of the ad, where these ladies were interrupting their bridge game to get all excited about a new refrigerator. I assume it was bridge anyway, because ladies of that era were not allowed to play anything else.

I tried and tried to come up with a caption for this, but other than some sort of reference to the ladies loving a good stallion, I came up empty. I'm sure there are creative minds out there that can deliver a good line for this. Then we sell it to Rolling Rock and start our own shop. Or not. Whatever.

Hittin' The Bricks

In lieu of the extra long and bitter post crafted a month and a half ago when I found my job being advertised on Career Builder, (Bilingual? Gimme a break!) I will say only that I'm out there again, ready to do that thing I do, though I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that is.

Meanwhile, take my card.

If You Say It Like This, It's Probably Not True

You are cutting edge, eh? And hip as well?

From the job description:

We are a highly creative, cutting edge, hip, and young agency and we’re looking for someone to fit in effortlessly! Applicants must have a high tolerance for pranks, jokes, and the random mix of music we all play while working.

I'm all for a fun work environment and liking the people I work with, but I must edit you now:

We are a highly pretentious bunch of third-tier wankers, struggling to stay afloat in a world of better talent. We’re looking for someone fresh out of college willing to work for next-to-nothing while tolerating our self-satisfied smugness as we fart out loud and try to best each other with shitty indie music you've never heard.

If you're interested, the job is in Tallahassee and the posting is at Craigslist Orlando.

If you fit the bill, you will be awarded with a fake-candid black and white photograph on the company's "About Us" page, where a hip and irreverent bio about you will not be funny at all.

Previously: How to Start an Agency.

Image above from "Your Scene Sucks."

Leaving Your Mark

What was to be a three-month gig turned into 14 months, but the economy finally caught up to the industry and MegaCorp is jettisoning a few of us in CubeWorld^TM who are contractors: an art director, a proofreader, a production manager and me, a copy paster writer.

In a very humane act atypical of giant multinationals, they're giving us six weeks to scout around for work and wrap up what little we've got left to do here.

I like to think I made a contribution. One of the accomplishments of which I am most proud is owning all five of the High Score positions on the Galaga game in the company's break room. No one in this company can touch my Galaga skills. That's going on my résumé.

That Elusive Agency Job

The one with the corner suite, casual dress, car allowance, fat salary, fatter bonuses, paid vacation travel, cool accounts, cool clients who let you do cool shit, trips to exotic locales for expensive film shoots, trips to far-away awards shows, in-office bar, free sushi for lunch every day, funky cool furniture and so much business that you have to turn down good work? You know, that dream job? It doesn't exist. (Except maybe in Denmark.)


But here in Orlando at the AAF affiliated Orlando Advertising Federation (of which I am not a member), there are no jobs in advertising at all. When this site finally comes back up, it will display the same lousy jobs it has had up there for many weeks. OAF.com (yes, that's the URL for the local club) was partnered with Create Magazine for their job listings, but when Create got purchased by Graphics.com, which uses Media Bistro for their job listings, things went to hell fast and I guess OAF took things in-house. Now we have this.

Seven Other Places

Here are seven other places on the Internet you could be right now.

1. Every Presidential campaign logo since 1960. (Page might take some time to load.)
2. It's an animated chimp movie, with jetpacks! (With Amtrak as a sponsor? Sure to suck.)
3. Huge in Brazil, ancient Canadian power trio Rush. Their fans down there even sing to the instrumentals.
4. Meatwater. (Thanks, Fish & Chimps.)
5. The Obama worship has officially gone too far.
6. Passionate-White-person-teaches-inner-city-youth-to-shine.
7. A cool design firm wants you to work for them. You'll have to move to Jordan.