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An Xtranormal Job Search - Part II

After my interview, the people doing the hiring discuss the candidates.

An Xtranormal Job Search

I'm on a campaign to find a job by Thanksgiving.

Lemme Get All NPR On You

I took that little story about my neighbors and recorded it. I suppose my delivery isn't "hypnotic" enough by NPR standards, but here it is anyway. (Probably doesn't show up in RSS, so you have to go to the site.)

Take My Card

I've posted this before, but I'm putting it out there again for those who may not have taken one the last time I passed them out. You don't need my address, my office phone number, my mobile phone number, my Linked-In profile, my resume, a cover letter, a fax number, my title or any of the other antiquated bits of information people are still putting on their business cards. Twitter about does it anymore. What's that? You want to see a portfolio? My blog or my Twitter stream are now my portfolio. There are over 1800 entries on this blog, some of them not bad. I am available for work anywhere on earth. And I recently got a passport if you still feel the need to do that whole "meet in person" thing. It's pretty and blue and sits safely in a strongbox, the combination of which I will struggle to remember should the time come.

Some services have not been listed. Offer subject to change without notice. Respondents must be at least 18 years of age as of 8/11/10. Not valid with any other offer. Void where prohibited by law.

Job Seekers Who Do Not Meet All Requirements Need Not Apply

It doesn't matter that you can demonstrate award-winning skills in a variety of disciplines. They know exactly what they want in a candidate, and you are not it.

What few job offers that are out there these days have a specific specialist in mind. The days of the creative generalist seem to be winding down. I saw a quote from Tina Brown in the paper today:

"No one I know has a job anymore. They've got Gigs."

In today's "Boys of the Credenza" comic, The Creative Team meets with the Human Resources Director. (Based on an actual ad I found on Career Builder. Click for the big.)

Will Repair Small but Critical Shuttle Component for Food

Locally, thousands more will be unemployed very shortly. (I hear Disney's hiring part-time "cast members.") The US Labor Secretary will be down this morning to announce some federal money to help those about to be out of work.

Elaborated on more at Radio Free Babylon.

You Are Not a Ninja

Children, the happy heyday of cute, irreverent titles is over. Your startup failed, your VC dried up, your dreams of being bought by Google vanished. Even the speaking circuit you carved out in tiny ad clubs in rural areas is coming to an end. Update that resume and hit the bricks, dicks.

Linked-In Recommendations are Bullshit

"Will you write a recommendation for me?"

The very question is whiny by nature. And who will we ask this question of? ONLY people who are going to write over-the-top, nice recommendations for us, of course. I wish Linked-In allowed unsolicited recommendations, good or bad, like say, Amazon and their 1- to 5-star review system, because then I'd have this to say on a few Linked-In profiles. (Please note: I have never worked with a "Mike," to my recollection.)

Worthless Piece of Crap. Walking Proof of Devolution March 11, 2010

By: Jetpacks (Orlando) See all my reviews.

This review is for Mike Smith, Advertiser

Mike is the kind of guy who, if you aren't careful, will try to rape your girlfriend or murder your children if he thinks he can make a dollar from it. I wouldn't trust Mike to pick up my mail and walk my dog were I on vacation. Ineptitude permeates every aspect of Mike's life, from his slovenly appearance to the endless and boring Powerpoint presentations he has managed to turn into a career. The accomplishments Mike lists on his profile are the accomplishments of others. Mike can talk for a solid hour without taking a breath, and also without saying anything of import. Mike sucks beyond my ability to convey, and I only wish I could give him zero stars. Mike should not be employed in any environment where other humans work. He would make an excellent ant farmer or the guy who cleans up dead animals on the roadway.

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It's the Little Things That Keep Them Coming Back

Anyone looking for a job knows all too well that there is no shortage of job sites out there wanting to help. Some are better than others.

And on The Seventh Day, You Will Get Your Ass Up and Work

Under the job title of "Federal Emergency Relief Contractors / Special Project in South Florida," I found an intriguing call for "Cooks, Dishwashers, Food service workers, Shower operators (sanitizing showers and refilling supplies), Laundry workers, General maintenance people, Administrative assistants, Machine Operators, Project Managers (this is a higher skilled position), Janitors, Laborer, Grounds Maintenance, Washer, Machine Appliance Mechanic, General Maintenance Worker, Laborer, Driver Courier, Parking and Lot Attendant, Shuttle Bus Driver, Truck driver, Light, Truck driver, Medium, Truck driver, Heavy and Truck driver, Tractor-Trailer."

The best part of the ad was this paragraph:

Workers are expected to do any tasks assigned and work 7 days/week, 12 hour/ day – 40 hours regular time pay and 44 hours overtime pay. They must provide their own transportation to and from the work-site, and will be provided shelter, and all meals. This commitment could be up to 6 weeks or more. Workers will be paid the prevailing wage designated for each area.

So this thing is like bootcamp, or prison, except you get paid. It could also double as a sort of in-patient weight-loss or detox program and stop-smoking clinic, I'd bet.

If I was a Fox Newser, I'd cry out against the socialist nature of this Nazi Work Camp. If I was an MSNBCer, I'd glory in the Peace Corps/New Deal aspect of it all. As an unemployed writer, I see it as a story and two paychecks. Six weeeks of 84-hour weeks and free meals? Maybe a bunch of stories. I'd embed on this one.

I'm gonna apply for Laborer, Grounds Maintenance.

Rolling Stone? The Atlantic?

Hittin' The Bricks

In lieu of the extra long and bitter post crafted a month and a half ago when I found my job being advertised on Career Builder, (Bilingual? Gimme a break!) I will say only that I'm out there again, ready to do that thing I do, though I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that is.

Meanwhile, take my card.

Grab a Shovel in the Shovel Ready Economy

Don't despair, out of work citizens. There are infrastructure jobs for the taking at Infrastructure-Jobs.com, or so this banner ad would have you believe. You'll be building bridges and highways and windmills and solar panels and electric cars and housing for the evicted people. Gonna be a fun time in the world very shortly. This is only one of many helpful sites where friendly marketers are setting up link farms to a bunch of other places, their white spaces crammed with Google AdWords ads.

But it's better than it used to be, or so I hear. In the olden days, when your grandparents and great-grandparents were out of work and looking for "infrastructure jobs," they didn't have some fancy websites where they could pick and choose. They just went down to the government shack by the vegetable stand near the railroad tracks and stood in line for seven days. When they finally got to the window, some mean government employee handed them a piece of paper and said, "Hop the next train to Reno and find a Mr. Williams. He will put you to work. You will be given one bacon fat sandwich per day and a ration of water. Job pays 25¢ a week. And if you don't want the job, you lazy bastard, there's 500 people behind you that do. And bring your own shovel, numb nuts."

The government shack was also adorned with encouraging posters. This was before we realized what was happneing in Europe; when we shared with the Nazis a mutual love for scary patriotic slogans, militaristic fonts and workers depicted as robotic wards of the state.