So Social

(Click.)

Let Me Be Your Bucket of Cold Water

A local marketing group I'm part of on Linked-In is discussing how to make a video "go viral." I'd weigh in with my point of view, but the seriousness with which they are tackling this subject lets me know that I would once again be the bucket of cold water guy to this group of "professionals" who are every day trying to take on "important" issues, discussing them in the most banal and nauseating terms, all while getting in plugs for their own experience and awesomeness. Yesterday they were talking about how to best "leverage" social and mobile within the new high speed rail trains and stations that are someday going to make traveling to Tampa from Orlando a little easier. I pointed out that the thing won't be done until 2015, if we're very lucky, and to even discuss apps as they exist today in relation to 2015 would be like putting all your ad dollars in MySpace five years ago. As the thing nears completion, maybe we can look to Europe or Asia and find out what they're doing. I was quickly and politely dismissed as "short-sighted" by some "executives" with very serious and professional profile pictures. This has always been my problem among marketers; I tend to tell them they are full of shit and they tend to exclude me from their games. From what I can tell, Linked-In is becoming an incestuous cesspool of blowhards all blowing one another. No one speaks real, they are all there to impress, land consulting or speaking gigs, get jobs and tout how important they are. I realize it's not Facebook, but the masquerade is not something I enjoy. 

Seriously, it's 2011. Are marketing professionals still talking about how to make something "go viral?" Didn't we dispense with this notion a few years ago? It just points to the sinister (or perhaps simply clueless) nature of so many in this business. They approach marketing as "How can we fool you?"

Forgive me if you've heard this before, but here is my marketing philosophy:

Let's not talk about "engaging the consumer." Let's not talk about "maximizing the customer experience." While we're at it, let's avoid a discussion about "interacting with the brand." Let's make it simpler. Let's talk about something else.

Respect. And honesty.

We've lost it. Or maybe we never had it to lose. We still think we can pull the wool over the eyes of our audiences and somehow smooth-talk them into acting. And if we can't smooth-talk them, we'll baffle them with big words and giant promises that are cleverly covered by the legal department with fine print denoted by an asterisk.

People sense it. They know it when they see or hear it. And believe it or not, the principles of Respect and Honesty can even be applied in the most shameful advertising known to man; Direct Mail.

There. I've just given away my secrets. I guess you won't need me now for creative consulting.

(I'm actually holding another couple cards up my sleeve, but really, those two are the Aces.)

Or maybe I'm just in the wrong line of work.

Linked-In Recommendations are Bullshit

"Will you write a recommendation for me?"

The very question is whiny by nature. And who will we ask this question of? ONLY people who are going to write over-the-top, nice recommendations for us, of course. I wish Linked-In allowed unsolicited recommendations, good or bad, like say, Amazon and their 1- to 5-star review system, because then I'd have this to say on a few Linked-In profiles. (Please note: I have never worked with a "Mike," to my recollection.)

Worthless Piece of Crap. Walking Proof of Devolution March 11, 2010

By: Jetpacks (Orlando) See all my reviews.

This review is for Mike Smith, Advertiser

Mike is the kind of guy who, if you aren't careful, will try to rape your girlfriend or murder your children if he thinks he can make a dollar from it. I wouldn't trust Mike to pick up my mail and walk my dog were I on vacation. Ineptitude permeates every aspect of Mike's life, from his slovenly appearance to the endless and boring Powerpoint presentations he has managed to turn into a career. The accomplishments Mike lists on his profile are the accomplishments of others. Mike can talk for a solid hour without taking a breath, and also without saying anything of import. Mike sucks beyond my ability to convey, and I only wish I could give him zero stars. Mike should not be employed in any environment where other humans work. He would make an excellent ant farmer or the guy who cleans up dead animals on the roadway.

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Cold Call Carl - No. 9

You ever get Linked-In updates from former colleagues who were managers but are now out of work? I do, and they often include "social media" in their list of capabilities. I wouldn't trust most of them to pick up my mail when I'm on vacation, much less put the future of my business in their hands.

Make the Comic Bigger

If I've said it before...wait...I guess I have said it before: Here's the whole "Cold Call Carl" series.

Social Media Discussion - Ground Level

I will now prove to you that anyone can be a social media consultant. I will take you inside a social media conference that occurred recently.

Here's an email from my sister to my Dad and me:

I've had a few people ask me to join their Facebook or Linked In pages, and perhaps I'm a techno-boob, but I still can't quite "get" the value of signing on to one of these things. Why not just send an email to all your friends if you want to update them? Do you have any insights?

Here's my quick, blunt and not-very-helpful response:

That's a raging debate. I am on both of them, but I wish I weren't. As far as I'm concerned, life is much easier not being updated on the goings-on of people I knew in 8th grade (That's Facebook) Linked-In users will tell you it's a valuable networking utility, which is a bunch of crap.

Then we get a reasoned and thought-out answer to my sister's query from my Dad:

I'm also on both (and a few others of similar ilk). [name redacted] asked me to join Linkedin. His reason was that it provided a business-related networking capability, and he was, I think, out of a job at the time and trying to find one. He wanted to use me as a reference on that service, but as far as I know nothing ever came of it. I personally have no use for it. I suppose it could be a valuable "networking" tool if it were actually used for the purpose that it supposedly exists. But I have no idea if it's effective.

Facebook, and all those other social networking sites have some value I suppose. For example, [another daughter] uses Facebook to post pictures for all of us to see, rather than send them in separate mails/messages which she says costs her (I suppose she's talking about using her phone camera.) Of course there are other ways to share photos online. I've only joined this and others because one of the family (usually grandkids) have asked me to. Again, I personally have no particular use for them, and generally avoid using them. They've had their own security problems.

Bottom line is that I generally avoid using them. But it's obvious to me that some find them addictive. Thinking about the work you're involved in now, I suspect you've got business associates that use them. Seems like every member of Congress thinks they need to Twitter. As do many celebrities. A lot of them are on Facebook. Ways to get noticed, keep up the celebrity, and supposedly stay in contact with the common man. If an important client is using one and wants to deal with you through it, then I guess that's an incentive.

And he fired off that reply jacked up on painkillers the day after partial knee replacement surgery. If he used Facebook more often (or Twitter) he might've just updated the occasional "Recovering from knee surgery" or "Love these pain killers" or "On couch after knee surgery," but I've seen no such updates from him. He's kickin' it old school, using that email thang. And sometimes - get this - the phone! I think I'm glad my Dad doesn't use Facebook that much.

Now I Understand The Beauty of Linked-In

Received in my Linked-in mail this week:

I'm sure you don't remember me, but you gave me my first German beer. Our fathers were battalion commanders together in Giessen.

And there you have the power of social media and networking sites. Reminding you that one upon a time in junior high, you were passing out German beers to other kids.

Your Time is Gonna Come

I got an invitation to join YET ANOTHER network thingy today. This one was for “Spock.”

Cute.

Don’t need it. Won’t use it. (I know it's been around a few months, but this was the first time I was invited to "join.")

Spock is “a search application that allows you to see what people are saying about your friends and colleagues.”

Whatever.

At some point, this has to stop. How many different ways do we need to be “linked-in?” And which one is the best? How many different ways can I twitter your myspace or digg your facebook? What does it matter if I “know” someone you “know?” Are we going to transact business? I sincerely doubt it. Maybe we’ll talk about what an idiot you are behind your back.

A former colleague has apparently been viewing questionable content on myspace and now I get two comments a day from him about ringtones. Thanks, dude. I’m deleting you as my “friend.”

I say everyone just get a website. I’ll link to you if I like you and I will check on you once in a while. I may even comment on your blog if I have a moment. If you are in business, title and tag your pages with something semi-related to what you do, and I might find you in my search engine of choice

This giant overloaded blimp called Web 2.0 is about to go down in flames. There are a bunch of "thought leaders" in the "interactive space" on board, and they're wearing gasoline-soaked suits, walking around lighting matches. Show me one client who turned a blog post into actual revenue and I will show you 50 who tried it and found it to be a colossal waste of time. Show me how Facebook helped your clients. Give me a case study on how being Linked-In was beneficial in DOLLARS (not Linden dollars). Show me how having 10,000 “friends” is worth two shits. And if you say, “It’s about branding. It’s about name recognition,” then we’re done talking because you are selling snake oil.