What Happens in Vegas Will Be Pointless

The promoters of this and the believers in it will say, "Mark Cuban is the keynote speaker! Mark Cuban will be there so you know it's legit! Mark Cuban is a zillionaire and he owns the Dallas Mavericks and he's a maverick and he's the keynote speaker."

I don't give a rat's ass who's there. Let me save you the trip to Vegas for this Festival of Nonsense.

Blog. Do it daily. Link to other blogs. Make comments on other blogs that link back to your blog. Ask other bloggers for link exchanges. Write interesting posts that have a unique voice. Don't just be a link farm to a bunch of bullshit that you didn't have anything to do with. Be original. Use technorati or any of the other tag services you prefer. Create interesting titles for your posts. Use pictures - they're fun. Use relevant labels. Don't be a corporate voice. Allow comments. Moderate them when they start to get offensive. (This is the "conversation" part you will hear so much about at your conference.) Try a podcast. Give up on it. Try a webcast. Give up on it. Give up on creating a viral video before you even try it. Viral happens naturally - you don't unleash it with a marketing plan. MySpace is NoPlace for your business and you will gain nothing from it other than people hating you. Same goes for Second Life and Livejournal. We'll see about Facebook. Tweet if you want, but the Twitter backlash is coming. For now, it's a good monitoring tool. Oh, one other thing: Customer Service is not a phrase to be tossed about in your Mission Statement. It's a practice. When you suck at it, expect your business to suck.

You can call yourself a Social Media Guru, New Media Maverick or Thought Leader. You can even print it on your business cards. But I don't need to pay a bunch of money to hear you say in two days what I just said in one minute. It's common sense. It doesn't really need to be an industry.

The Corporate Blog Challenge

Click for bigger, printable, stealable version.



Having assisted companies in setting up and administering blogs, I know it’s challenging to convince them of the need to be transparent, less stodgy and a little “uncorporate” if they want to (get ready) “maximize their presence in the social media space.” Most of the blogs I helped get established are miserable failures now because the companies either a) gave up on frequent posting or b) only wanted to be rah-rah vehicles, self-promoting and basically devoid of personality. The authors also weren’t going out to other blogs, boards and forums and making relevant comments that directed readers back to them.

I recently visited the corporate blog of a worldwide company. It is well-designed, has many expert authors and frequent postings. (One author has over 800 posts.) They’ve employed all the appropriate tag mechanisms and social media link widgets. They incorporate plenty of text links, images and the navigation is intuitive. But nothing is happening interactively. I am hard pressed to find a single comment on the entire blog. There is no “two-way” happening. The posts read more like little articles and they appear to have been sterilized. I’m starting to wonder if the blog is merely search engine fodder, because clearly, there’s no “conversation” going on. Comments are also monitored heavily, which is generally expected of a corporate blog, but I submitted an (somewhat) innocuous comment last Friday and it has yet to appear, perhaps because it was (somewhat) humorous and not in keeping with this corporation’s communications guidelines.

Corporate guidelines should be relaxed to a degree if you’re going to get any interaction from your company's blog. For legal reasons, you can’t have your authors going off on rants like a private blogger is free to do, but at the same time you should allow your authors (and commenters) the ability to speak with some candor.

The corporate blog I visited has a 150 word paragraph of fine print above the comment box. It's full of legalese, with phrases like “collect, process, use,” “personally identifiable information,” “worldwide in perpetuity,” and “without notice to you and without compensation.”

I mean, c’mon. I just want to comment. But this is one example of why corporate America is having a hard time getting a handle on “Web 2.0.” (Kill me if I ever use that term again.) In the interest of sales and marketing (and in the interest of covering their asses legally) they’ve pretty much killed the conversation.

Your Time is Gonna Come

I got an invitation to join YET ANOTHER network thingy today. This one was for “Spock.”

Cute.

Don’t need it. Won’t use it. (I know it's been around a few months, but this was the first time I was invited to "join.")

Spock is “a search application that allows you to see what people are saying about your friends and colleagues.”

Whatever.

At some point, this has to stop. How many different ways do we need to be “linked-in?” And which one is the best? How many different ways can I twitter your myspace or digg your facebook? What does it matter if I “know” someone you “know?” Are we going to transact business? I sincerely doubt it. Maybe we’ll talk about what an idiot you are behind your back.

A former colleague has apparently been viewing questionable content on myspace and now I get two comments a day from him about ringtones. Thanks, dude. I’m deleting you as my “friend.”

I say everyone just get a website. I’ll link to you if I like you and I will check on you once in a while. I may even comment on your blog if I have a moment. If you are in business, title and tag your pages with something semi-related to what you do, and I might find you in my search engine of choice

This giant overloaded blimp called Web 2.0 is about to go down in flames. There are a bunch of "thought leaders" in the "interactive space" on board, and they're wearing gasoline-soaked suits, walking around lighting matches. Show me one client who turned a blog post into actual revenue and I will show you 50 who tried it and found it to be a colossal waste of time. Show me how Facebook helped your clients. Give me a case study on how being Linked-In was beneficial in DOLLARS (not Linden dollars). Show me how having 10,000 “friends” is worth two shits. And if you say, “It’s about branding. It’s about name recognition,” then we’re done talking because you are selling snake oil.

Enrage The Consumer

I know there has to be a way to utilize blogs, vlogs, RSS, etc. to "engage the consumer," but it has to start with worthwhile content. Nobody cares about your corporate blog or any of your other social media efforts unless you are saying something worth talking about.

Or as Toad puts it, your brand is not my friend.








The latest installment in the royalty-free clipart comic called "Where's My Jetpack?" (You'll note a severe lack of diversity in these comics. That's not my fault. This particular series of clipart I'm ripping off appears to have been drawn in Idaho. Although, the guy above could be Hispanic.)

Wastin' All My Time Time

I've been "out of pocket" as they say, working a contractor writing job for a large company here in Orlando. It has been like solitary confinement, as they block me from webmail, my blog, your blogs and the outside world in general. This place is so paranoid, I am not even allowed access to any of the brand blogs within the organization. (They own about nine brands.)

This morning I sat in a meeting for an hour and half where the main topics of discussion (besides ongoing creative jobs) seemed to be "getting our arms around" this and "going forward" with that. And of course there was all kinds of finger-pointing between creative, traffic and AEs on why this job or that job is stalled. One high ranking woman held the floor for 15 solid minutes and said absolutely nothing.

And they make me wear shoes and socks. Telecommuting for three years has really spoiled me. I'm ready to go back to it, if you need some work done.