For Me, This is Like Peanut Butter and Chocolate

Combining two of my favorite things: old socialist propaganda illustrations and making fun of social media gurus and conferences. But now that I think about it, they really aren't that much different from one another, are they? Click image for better.

Jane's Roller Coaster Day - For All To See

Some people need to get a grip. Or take a pill. Or at least stop sharing so much.

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It's a Good Gig If You Can Get It - Part II

Back from the Blog Expo

It took seeing the new Geico commercial to remind me that I have an xtranormal account, which is a great tool, even the free version. In this little movie, Drew is back from Vegas, reporting to his supervisor on what he "took away" from the blogging and new media conference.

If You're Not a Guru By Now...

The preponderance of experts in the field of social media is astounding. It really shouldn't be such a mystery anymore, requiring a conference per month and seminars out the ass. It's basic common sense, but we had to turn it into an industry. A recent visit to my Linked-In network showed me people I know who couldn't compose a paragraph in an email now touting themselves as experts in the oh-so-mystical realm of social media. Here is one such person conducting a recent seminar. We catch up with her just after she prompts the audience, "Let's think of some social media tools we use today!" Thankfully, there were a couple of smart-ass bastards like me in her audience.

Stars Falling Hard

I came across the personal blogs of some of the principals of a formerly hot shop here in Orlando. You know the type: landed one or two big clients long ago and then staked it all on those relationships, going balls-to-the-wall building a cool office with trendy art and furniture throughout; got write-ups in the paper and the local magazines mostly about how cool their space was. Now they're also-rans, big clients long gone and a website "under construction."

I went to their website looking for a job but I left in disgust. That website was your basic "look at our awards, look at our work, see how cool we still are." Then they placed links on the side to their main bigshots' personal blogs. One guy was a designer with lots of links to design stuff. Another was more personal with links to his Facebook, Flickr, etc. And one guy had turned his blog into a series of copy and paste articles on things like bridal showers and health care, sprinkling each with links to small-time clients that had ZERO to do with the articles. Just random out-of-place sentences like "For the best flower selection in Toronto, you need Flowers a Go-Go." Followed by, "And reducing your salt intake will help lower your blood pressure." (Flowers-a-Go-Go not the real name. I'd link you to it, but it's just too sad and I don't want to throw more dirt on this guy's half-buried head.)

The point, I guess, is that here's an agency telling clients they do it all - and well. They're interactive geniuses, they're social media savvy, they will bring you stellar conversions and excellent ROI - and one of their principals is practicing borderline Blackhat SEO linked right to the agency website.

If the strategy sounds shady or the magic pill sounds too good to be true... you know the rest. Sadly, most people in this business are completely full of shit - and few are the ones who will tell you straight out, "This is a wild frontier out here now. What's hot today might be dead tomorrow. We'll strike out in many directions and some of them, frankly, are going to yield dust. (MySpace) We might strike gold, but we're going to do a lot of panning before we do. We're going to play it above the board. Hang with us and be patient. You won't be an overnight viral sensation, because your business is not Ray-Ban or Nike. We're going to try it all, even the damned Yellow Pages, and we might all be surprised by what we learn."

Original image is here.

Forget Your Troubles, Friend! Dance-Band Fame is Yours!

It's the Great Depression and Japan has yet to bomb Pearl Harbor, sending millions to work, and every magazine is filled with ads selling items or ideas that will help John and Alice Dustbowl make some much-needed cash. You can be a tattoo artist, or learn how to make big money in the promising field of cartooning. You can buy a saw-sharpener and go around sharpening people's saws. Learn to stuff birds. Be a baker. Be a diesel mechanic or get into Air Conditioning, "America's next big industry!" Others are just as vague as can be, and only promise happiness, riches, fame and the ability to get whatever you want if you will only send a dime for the book. The modern counterpart to these ads in our tough economy would be, "Learn to be a Social Media Guru in Your Spare Time!"

I liked this guy. He sells marimbas. Now that's a sure route to happy-land.

Some People Should Stand When They Talk

The Guru at His Twitter Avatar Photo Shoot

Twitter has enabled a lot of people to take themselves way too seriously.
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Barfbag Comics, Number 2

Social Media Lunch

I finally heard about xtranormal, the site that allows you to make little movies. It's got some bugs, and the voices aren't the best, but it's a lot of fun. My first effort below. My apologies in advance to any gurus out there who might feel offended by this. Actually, I take that back. I'm not sorry at all. The guru/ninja in this video will be known as Richard Head.

Social Media Crash Course

Grow th!s comic biggR for her pleazure!

New Media Company Set To Launch

I was over at Stan of Melbourne's fine and insightful blog and made a comment, where I was treated to this nice word verification.

Sometimes inspiration for your next start-up can come from the oddest of places.

Introducing Gralaco.

Gralaco is the must-have social media app of the year. Or it's a Facebook add-on. Or it's a blog widget. Or it's a new media agency. Whatever, the important thing is gralaco.com is available and that's really all you need. Snap it up, somebody!

Want more Web 2.0 scorn? I've got plenty.

I'll Be Your Jackass of New Media

Rick at Blog World & New Media Expo says I’m a “jackass” because I shat all over his just-finished blog conference back in July on this site. For those who don't know, Blog World Expo is "the world's largest blogging trade show and conference dedicated to promoting the dynamic industry of blogging and new media." Rick also tells me, “Glad you didn't come. If you change your mind and decide to come next year, please think again and don't.” I assured him I will not be there.

I’m on the record, Rick, as thinking this whole blogging consultancy industry is a sack of crap. My opinion hasn’t changed.

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I'm not saying blogging has no place in business. That would be stupid. But social media should be common sense and we needn't have silly new titles like Social Media Guru and New Media Maverick. We don't really need a conference to tell us how to blog. What's more, huge investments are being sunk into something that can show very little in return. All the tools you need are free.

Here are a bunch more opinions of mine on the subject. So maybe I am writing the book. Or hosting the conference. And maybe I'm just a shitty capitalist.

The Corporate Blog Challenge
Enrage The Consumer
Save The Money and Get a Kid to Do It
Cold Call Carl: Selling Twitter Consultation
The Podcast is Dead
Cold Call Carl: He Keeps on Dialing
Buy the Book - Attend the Seminar
There's a Comment Pending Approval
Your Company Blog Bites
Drinking the Kool-Aid - Not Catching a Buzz
Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out
Your Title Was Boring and I'm Busy
If You Can't Trust a Paid Blogger
Relevance - It's a Beautiful Thing

Save The Money and Get a Kid to Do it

What Happens in Vegas Will Be Pointless

The promoters of this and the believers in it will say, "Mark Cuban is the keynote speaker! Mark Cuban will be there so you know it's legit! Mark Cuban is a zillionaire and he owns the Dallas Mavericks and he's a maverick and he's the keynote speaker."

I don't give a rat's ass who's there. Let me save you the trip to Vegas for this Festival of Nonsense.

Blog. Do it daily. Link to other blogs. Make comments on other blogs that link back to your blog. Ask other bloggers for link exchanges. Write interesting posts that have a unique voice. Don't just be a link farm to a bunch of bullshit that you didn't have anything to do with. Be original. Use technorati or any of the other tag services you prefer. Create interesting titles for your posts. Use pictures - they're fun. Use relevant labels. Don't be a corporate voice. Allow comments. Moderate them when they start to get offensive. (This is the "conversation" part you will hear so much about at your conference.) Try a podcast. Give up on it. Try a webcast. Give up on it. Give up on creating a viral video before you even try it. Viral happens naturally - you don't unleash it with a marketing plan. MySpace is NoPlace for your business and you will gain nothing from it other than people hating you. Same goes for Second Life and Livejournal. We'll see about Facebook. Tweet if you want, but the Twitter backlash is coming. For now, it's a good monitoring tool. Oh, one other thing: Customer Service is not a phrase to be tossed about in your Mission Statement. It's a practice. When you suck at it, expect your business to suck.

You can call yourself a Social Media Guru, New Media Maverick or Thought Leader. You can even print it on your business cards. But I don't need to pay a bunch of money to hear you say in two days what I just said in one minute. It's common sense. It doesn't really need to be an industry.

Rockin' Rockstars Rockin' a Startup

I could lose my lunch over this if I'd eaten lunch yet. Everyone's favorite Social Media House of Bullshit, Pay Per Post, is showing Episode 10 of their little in-house series called "Rockstartup." It's probably old, as stupid ideas like this almost always end up in the "tried it for a time and gave up on it" pile. Go watch now.

Thrill to the trials of the site going down as the "Code Ninjas" work feverishly to fix it. Listen with awe as Ted, the founder, shows you what a cool guy he is because he doesn't have an office and "wants to get the pulse" of the operation by being "out on the floor with the team." I've never seen a company try so hard to be so cool. Rockstartup? Pardon me while I projectile vomit.

Read some of the hip, irreverent language on the website. Stuff like, "Do you eat, sleep, and breathe the Internet and social media? If so you may be the right person for a rewarding career with the most creative group of disrupters out there." Disrupters? Wrong. You've got a business model that rewards fake blog postings for companies that in all likelihood just plain suck. How do I know they suck? They went to you to get people to write fake blog postings about them!

Orlando-based Pay Per Post says "Get Paid to Blog About the Things You Love." That's a lie. You get paid to blog about things you've never heard of, to the tune of about $5. You are paid to create tags and "awareness" for something you've likely never used.

In that sense, yes, I guess Pay Per Post is a group of disrupters. They are making blogging a whore's domain. And they are the pimps.

Real, trustworthy blogging about products and services is unpaid. It happens when a consumer actually uses a thing and likes it or hates it. Then they write about it on their blog. For instance, Fred Leo recently got screwed by Panasonic and writes about it.

Here's another example. I use the Senseo coffee maker. Senseo is awesome. It makes a great cup of coffee. It is fast, efficient and unlike any coffee maker I have ever used. I bought one for my parents. I encourage everyone who enjoys coffee to get one. They are available everywhere. They are affordable and you will actually like your home made coffee again. Here is a picture of a cup of coffee brewed this morning with the Senseo. Look at that frothy goodness. It is wonderful. Get a Senseo now.
Nobody needs to hand me $5 to write that. It is a real testimonial (written in a fake Pay Per Post way) about something I use and enjoy. And Senseo will never have to use a service like Pay Per Post's because Senseo has a decent product that people like and talk about.

"Social Media" can't be "monetized" in this way. When you are paying people to create fake testimonials, you instantly lose any credibility for your company.

I really want to see all these social media parasites, gurus, hucksters, evangelists, snakes, sharks, weasels, rats, dogs and rockstars crushed in the coming crash.

Previously in "I Hate This Business Model."