Corporate Speak Simplifier

I'm currently contracting with a very fine company that is unfortunately mired in the nonsense that is corporate speak. I'm compiling a list as I hear these phrases way too often. Maddening, but there's no way you're ever going to stop it. It's being passed on to the next generation. I'm listening as people fresh out of college toss these phrases about as if they've been let into a secret club with its own code words. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Circle Back: Discuss Later

Touch Base: Contact

Reach Out: Contact

Take Offline: Discuss Privately

Flush Out: (They Mean "Flesh Out," by they always say Flush Out) Build

Download: Inform 

Buy In: Agree or Approval

Tie Off: Approve (New one on me.)

We're Some Serious Bullshitters

  

Can You Hear My Eyes Rolling?

I read someone's tweet that said something to the effect of, "I'll try to facetime you at the conference." So I went perusing the old Picasa images and found one buried in the archives from nearly four years ago that I liked and no one else did.

Create Cool Shit

Another in what has become an endless series, the components of which I am trying to locate and put together in a comprehensive category for your viewing pleasure.

Click it if you ever hope to read it.

There is No "U" in "Team"

Now going on eight months as a freelancer in the giant nameless corporation's creative department. Here in CubeWorld^TM, we occasionally get to hear from the Ones Who Pull the Levers. One such occasion is at the end of a fiscal quarter. Big important email today, from which I have extracted and condensed for you the "key takeaways."

Dear Colleagues:

Strong presence. Thank you personally. Well ahead of expectations.

Express our mission. Key essentials. Go the extra step. Continued success for all. Execute against our essentials.

Financial levers. Deliver significant value. Distinctive, compelling brands. Long-term unit growth*. Unmatched global pipeline. Unlock the value of our portfolio. Continue to seek opportunities. Aggressive focus on controlling costs. Provide the foundation. Deliver market-leading returns. Continue to adjust our goals. Raise the low end of our guidance ranges.

Thank you, again. Future ahead continues to be bright. Look forward to continuing to work with you. Exceed our goals together.

All the best,
CEO man

*Heh. Heh-heh. He said "long-term unit growth."

So inspired was I by this communique, I had to create some motivational posters.

Take it to The Next Level...Baby

Previously in Ken Fox, Strategist

Overheard a Few Cubes Down

"We'll need to use the impactful images."

If you use the word "impactful," please stop it now. It is only used by pretentious ad people, usually on the account services side.

Session: Leveraging and Monetizing Blog Traffic

Angela over at AdRants had her fill of BS after attending ad:tech and posted a great lexicon of New Media Speak. That was inspiration for this week's comic strip, which is called "Where's My Jetpack?"

This is number 20 in the series, which is made using royalty free clipart since I'm a pretty sucky artist.








The others are here.

Wastin' All My Time Time

I've been "out of pocket" as they say, working a contractor writing job for a large company here in Orlando. It has been like solitary confinement, as they block me from webmail, my blog, your blogs and the outside world in general. This place is so paranoid, I am not even allowed access to any of the brand blogs within the organization. (They own about nine brands.)

This morning I sat in a meeting for an hour and half where the main topics of discussion (besides ongoing creative jobs) seemed to be "getting our arms around" this and "going forward" with that. And of course there was all kinds of finger-pointing between creative, traffic and AEs on why this job or that job is stalled. One high ranking woman held the floor for 15 solid minutes and said absolutely nothing.

And they make me wear shoes and socks. Telecommuting for three years has really spoiled me. I'm ready to go back to it, if you need some work done.

Reinvigorating the American Brand

While waiting for the Republican Debate to begin last night, I tuned in to Bill O'Reilly, who had as a guest his buddy Dennis Miller. Dennis was waxing on about Iraq, among other things that he, as a comedian, is equally expert in and qualified to discuss.

Here's a portion of the transcript of what Miller had to say about the US getting involved in Iraq:

"And you know, people always say there were no WMDs, they felt misinformed. I didn't. I never thought there were WMDs. I thought we had to go in and cuff this guy around to reassert our place in the world. I think it was a reinvigoration of our brand, and I'm glad we did it."

Nice mediaspeak there, Dennis. Invading Iraq was a "reinvigoration of the American Brand."

(He was not joking. Go watch the clip. Scroll down to "Miller Time.")

I guess when you "reinvigorate a brand," in Miller's view, you reshape it into something unrecognizable from what it was, alienate your existing customer base, dilute your stock, then send out conflicting messages through a revolving door of senior management, pretty much assuring you will never acquire any new customers.

You're a genius, Dennis. You should work in advertising.

Reinvigorating the American "brand."

Kinda like what Just For Men did for your beard?

To The Next Terrace of Purgatory

Just as way too many companies are "thinking outside the box," there are far too many firms promising to "take you to the next level." When I see this phrase on a website or in any other medium, I automatically assume that the company employing the phrase is so behind the times they are not worth investigating. They are "pushing the envelope" and "exploring new frontiers." They are "scaling new heights" and "reaching beyond."

They are full of shit.

We were supposed to have gotten rid of this lame jargon after the first dotcom bust, back when every startup thought a foosball table was mandatory furniture, when smoke and mirrors were the items for sale.

If your company is really so new and innovative...PROVE IT. Start by abandoning the tired clichés that describe your services.

I Don't Disagree

Click pic to enlarge.


I Don't Disagree. Translation: "You've got a semi-valid point that I'm about to shoot down."

A Strong and Simple Beat That You Can Dance To

From time to time, I am amused (OK, daily) by the words tossed about in the industry of late. So, I present this:

Wrap your arms around this
And going forward we’ll enhance
As you begin to ramp up
We'll do the ROI dance

We’re delivering on the action items
eating low hanging fruit snacks
We’re monetizing and strategizing
So go on, Push Back

Customize the experiential
And reciprocate the exchange
Network with some CMOs
And keep looking downrange

You gotta get you some core values
Do some due diligence
How about some needs based research?
Or a customer experience?

It’s a value-added impactful thing
If you have to ask, never mind
We’re doing business in a dynamic way
Driving outcomes from time to time

Previously in Business Speak.