I'm Not a Copywriter, But...

I hear that once a day from account people. At least once a day.

Truth is, everyone thinks they're a copywriter - and truthfully - everyone is in some way. People know what works. They know what works for them, anyway. They know what commercials grab them or what billboard catches their eye, what banner makes them click. I like to think I know what works for everyone. Because I'm an arrogant copywriter. It's my job. But when an account person says to me, "I'm not a copywriter, but..." I try to listen with an open mind.  

Still, simple words trip me up. Like barely and hardly. When is something barely doable and when is something hardly doable. Does barely mean it can be done, but only by the skin of its teeth? Does hardly mean it can't be done, ever? So, is hardly a word used in sarcasm? I hurt my brain with these exercises. I can't think about it too much and just take every case situationally. Situationally is not even a word. It sure should be.

Think of the word maybe. According to Jack Johnson, maybe pretty much always means no. According to a child, maybe means we will absolutely get you that thing you want. Maybe is basically the same as I promise.

Probably, on the other hand, is like maybe towing a yes trailer.

Oops, Did I Just Say That?

Like the accidental "reply all" only meant for one recipient, sometimes we accidentally say what's really on our minds.

Click it and print it and post it in your hellish little cubicle

Cold Call Carl - No. 10

Like the flight attendant who does magic tricks or the table-side salad maker who flips his salt and pepper shakers, Cold Call Carl has discovered his gift.

mas grande

Here's the whole "Cold Call Carl" series.

Jack Smith - Adsmith

The thing I like about Jack is that he always stands by what he believes.

It's a one-off, I'm pretty sure.

Clicking induces size enhancement.

Cold Call Carl - No. 9

You ever get Linked-In updates from former colleagues who were managers but are now out of work? I do, and they often include "social media" in their list of capabilities. I wouldn't trust most of them to pick up my mail when I'm on vacation, much less put the future of my business in their hands.

Make the Comic Bigger

If I've said it before...wait...I guess I have said it before: Here's the whole "Cold Call Carl" series.

LOLSUITS No. 2

Previously in LOLSUITS.

LOLSUITS

Do an image search on your favorite stock photography site for "businessman" or "businesswoman" and you'll find plenty of those "concept" type photos of a woman standing in the desert with a briefcase or a man running on the beach in a suit. These genius photographers have inspired my latest feature, which may or may not recur here with a sporadic and completely random frequency.

Two Traffic School Direct Mails - Which To Choose?

Click for jumbo, scroll-around size.

I have to hand it to both of these businesses, they are on their game. A couple of weeks ago I was ticketed on I-4 for exceeding the speed limit (and another $96 violation I won't go into, lest I draw the ire and scorn of a certain portion of the audience). Not long after that, these two pieces of direct mail arrive on the same day. Smart marketers, grabbing the "who got ticketed today" lists from the various law enforcement agencies and promptly hitting up the bad drivers for business.

Same "Approved by the State of Florida" notifications, and even the same cost. It now comes down to choosing a traffic school based on design, copy points and the ability to "grab" the audience. Direct mail is tough. Some people love creating it, but I personally hate it as I am always at odds with the AE or client, who want it louder and nastier than should be lawful.

I'm probably going with the lady on the laptop and not the greasy-haired smiley boy.

Blame The Recession

Cold Call Carl, like most good salespeople, believes that behind every "Don't Ever Call Here Again," there is a potential customer just waiting to be swayed.

Click to share his optimism

More Cold Call Comics.

Notes on a Meeting, #2

A meeting this afternoon, and in this one a new character was created.
"Anne Estes, AE." Tagline: She's Gettin' It Done



Previously in "Notes on a Meeting"

I've Lived This Day a Thousand Times It Won't Go Away

Or as the sign outside of Stan's office says:

"I don't know the key to success,
but the key to failure is trying to please everyone."

- Bill Cosby

Donuts and Golf

Our production managers here in CubeWorld™ are always being visited by print reps. I suspect they are print reps because they are always carrying donuts when they enter the department. Then I am positive they are print reps when I hear the conversations they have with our production managers. They are masters of the superficial. They know when a new picture has appeared in a PM’s cubicle and will comment on it. They know that one PM’s wife just delivered a baby and they will talk about staying up all night with a crying infant. They know that another of our guys likes classic rock and the reps will chat him up about The Eagles or The Stones.

Small-talk is expected and a vendor rep has no choice but to engage in it. Those who do it better than others are likely more successful. But why are donuts the universal calling card of vendors? In this obesity-obsessed, saturated fat conscious culture, you'd think the donut's day was done. I've hated donuts since childhood. If I were a vendor’s rep, I’d show up with sushi. Or tickets to the classic rock concert for the guy who's into that.

And why is golf the universal business pastime? Why are deals supposedly made on the golf course? I have never golfed, don't want to golf, can't afford golf and pretty much hate most of the golfers I've ever known. If I were a vendor’s rep, I’d take my clients to the disc golf course.

Cold Call Carl - Selling Twitter Consultation

If there's an app out there, there's a new media agency (or traditional agency looking to make another buck) who will teach you how to maximize it.

click to read, unless you've got like, super-crazy-cartoon vision

Previously in Cold Call Carl:
Niche Industry Magazine Ad Space - Cheap!
But it Really is Rocket Science
Tapping the Huge Revenue Stream

Cold Call Carl - Volume I, No. 3

The only ones reading that new magazine dedicated to your niche industry are people in your niche industry.


Clickalicious






Previously in Cold Call Carl:
But it Really is Rocket Science
Tapping the Huge Revenue Stream

Cold Call Carl - He Keeps on Dialing

It was going to be a one-off, but the man can't be stopped. He's selling social media and Web 2.0.

Click for a better read

Orlando Weekly Loves You Long Time

Local law enforcement recently came down on the Orlando Weekly for knowingly selling ad space to prostitutes. Seems a few AEs were fully aware of what sorts of businesses they were placing ads for, and even coached the ladies on what could and could not be said in the form of ad copy. ("I don't know if the phrase 'Happy Ending' is how we wanna go with this one, uh...you said your name was Candy?")

The Orlando Weekly is just like any other metropolitan free paper that has the word "weekly" after the city name. It's full of underground music reviews, bar reviews, left-wing politics and ads for concerts, bars, gay chat lines and massage parlors. I grabbed a copy this morning at 7-11.

Looks like the AEs are still soliciting the same clients, perhaps with revised copy now.

Click for a better view of the ads

Cold Call Carl

Clicking enhances growth, allowing for legibility.

Richard Head - VP of Client Strategy

...or Director of New Business Development



Previously in "Richard Head"

Grass Don't Lie

Someday I will cease writing bullshit for liars. Someday, when old “friends” call me and ask me to “work your magic” on some “on fire” job, I will say, “Find yourself another writer.” Or when some sales type says, "Yeah, man, whatever, just do that fluffy writing stuff and let's get it out the door," I will say, "You know what, jackass? I'm done making you look good."

So I just renewed one of my many domains, The ‘Scapers.The fantasy is that I will mow lawns and somehow make a living. I'll probably need a bunch of illegal aliens working for me if I hope to realize a healthy profit.

Yeah, I need a logo. I'm accepting free ones.

Tire Tracks All Across Your Back

Click it - it'll grow.

Keep your book and your resume updated at all times. You never know when the "thump, thump" you just heard was the bus running over you this time.