At 99¢, There's No Way You Can Lose

Or: 

What Do I Need to Do to Get This Song on Your iPod TODAY?

(Lemme hit you with some heavy sales copy. It's a hard sell, and you're locked in the room until you agree.)

I remember reading a story years ago about the rhythm guitarist for an American band who bought a mansion based off his royalties from a single song-writing credit. It was a good song; a popular song. That's the American dream, isn't it? (Or one of them, anyway. The other one involves working real hard, scraping and clawing your way from mailroom clerk to CEO in 50 years, but I don't have the time or the patience for that route.) And while most musicians today will tell you that you can't possibly make a living from music anymore, I will, with your help, defy those naysayers. I intend to live that dream today, but I probably won't buy a mansion. I'll just get my roof replaced and maybe install a new toilet in the master bath. And I'm going to do it in 99¢ increments. (Actually 60 to 70¢ increments after CDBaby takes their cut.)

What is 99¢ to you? You give 99¢ to the barista at Starbucks because she got your coffee right. You give 99¢ per bag (even though the going rate is $2) to the guy at the airport curb who schlepped your bags the few yards you were too lazy to walk. You give 99¢ to the hotdog vendor outside The Home Depot because you saw the tip jar and felt guilty walking away without adding to it. You give 99¢ to your state's lottery every week. And what do you have to show for any of those 99¢ donations? NOTHING! I give you a song that will last forever in your iPod. I give you Music. I give you Eternity!

The song I'm selling, "Where's My Jetpack?" was described by the first person who bought it, a gentleman from Edmonton, Alberta, as, "An anthem for a generation." He went on to say, "It's been stuck in my head for weeks! I think this is a truly great tune. You really have something here. The world needs to have this song!" (I am not lying, and I do not know this generous, if delusional man, but it was his unexpected encouragement that prompted me to upload the song.) Now, can you afford to be left out on an anthem? I don't want to see that happen to you, and neither do your parents. Or your children. Don't let  them down. As the man said, The World needs to have this song. That giant demographic includes you, my friend. And your parents. And your children. Think of the children.

How many blogs do you read that have their own theme song? Very few, I'm sure. That alone is worth a 99¢ tip! So, I'll tell ya what I'll do! I'll let you have the song after you tip me 99¢!

And it really doesn't matter if you hate the song. What percentage of the music on your iPod do you hate? Maybe 30%? I have songs on my iPod I will NEVER listen to. What's one more? And what do you expect for 99¢ anyway? So what if it's not your favorite genre or style? Expand your palate! Broaden your horizons!

Think of it this way: You're at Dollar Night at your favorite sushi place. You've tried all sorts of exotic pieces and then you say to your companions, "Let's try the sea urchin! It's only $1!" And so you try it and resolve to never, ever eat sea urchin again. You're only out $1 and you learned a valuable lesson about sea urchin. And if you happen to be among the few hundred people worldwide who like sea urchin, is the sushi place going to let you order more of it without paying? That's the difference between me and your sushi place. If you like this song, you get to keep listening to it FOREVER! FOR FREE! This bargain is the biggest no-brainer in the history of earth.

So, what I need you to do right now is make yourself one of the many, many millions who are this very minute going to iTunes to buy the song I'm selling. Once you've done that, and this is KEY - make sure EVERYONE YOU KNOW on Twitter and Facebook buys it, too. And yes, even that gross guy you barely remember from middle school whose friend request you regret accepting because he keeps sending you creepy private messages. Once this chain spans the globe, I expect messages on my Facebook saying, "Dude, I know you don't remember me, but you REALLY NEED TO BUY THIS SONG ON iTUNES."

Not an iTunes user? You can buy it directly from CDBaby.

(And I'd prefer not to hear from the audiophiles about the production quality. Considering I used an old Kay guitar plugged into an aging HP, some drum programming and a Radio Shack headset microphone, I think it passes. Remember, it's only 99¢ you're about to spend. Don't be a sound snob.)

I'd like to tell you that a certain percentage of your 99¢ will go toward some do-gooder program that provides mosquito nets while improving the literacy rate among transgendered baby seals in the rain forest, but it won't. It's all mine after iTunes and CDBaby take their cut. I am counting on you to make me disgustingly rich from a song that doesn't deserve the attention it's about to get. This happens all the time. Bieber, anyone? OK, Bobby McFarrin?

As with most music, it sounds better if you're listening to it loud while drinking an adult beverage. Or perhaps smoking something that might be legal in some states as long as you call it "medicine."

And if you're still too stingy with your measly little dollar, go here and steal the song for free. You punkass pirate bastard.

And then watch the video.

Across From Super Wal-Mart

We're on a restaurant theme here today at Where's My Jetpack.

Having spent a couple years at a mid-sized market network affiliate making local commercials for clients with no money, I can sympathize with the creators of sushi restaurant spots.

This one for a sushi bar in D'Ibervile, Mississippi covers all the bases.

• Stereotypical "Japanese" music bed? Check.
• Too much copy? Check.
• Cliché-ridden copy? No problem.
  
• Slow pans of restaurant by a guy who is really a news photog? Yep.
• Unappetizing food shots? Got it.
• Rushed voiceover by unprofessional voiceover talent? Done.
• End with view of exterior in a strip mall + phone number? But of course!
• Bonus: Easy locator landmark.
  

Donuts and Golf

Our production managers here in CubeWorld™ are always being visited by print reps. I suspect they are print reps because they are always carrying donuts when they enter the department. Then I am positive they are print reps when I hear the conversations they have with our production managers. They are masters of the superficial. They know when a new picture has appeared in a PM’s cubicle and will comment on it. They know that one PM’s wife just delivered a baby and they will talk about staying up all night with a crying infant. They know that another of our guys likes classic rock and the reps will chat him up about The Eagles or The Stones.

Small-talk is expected and a vendor rep has no choice but to engage in it. Those who do it better than others are likely more successful. But why are donuts the universal calling card of vendors? In this obesity-obsessed, saturated fat conscious culture, you'd think the donut's day was done. I've hated donuts since childhood. If I were a vendor’s rep, I’d show up with sushi. Or tickets to the classic rock concert for the guy who's into that.

And why is golf the universal business pastime? Why are deals supposedly made on the golf course? I have never golfed, don't want to golf, can't afford golf and pretty much hate most of the golfers I've ever known. If I were a vendor’s rep, I’d take my clients to the disc golf course.

We Interrupt This Broadcast

Usually all I do on this blog is make fun of stuff and bitch about things that suck. While that's fun, I'm going to change hats now and offer up genuine praise (again) for a brand that simply kicks ass. Publix Supermarkets.
This Florida-based, employee owned market has as its slogan, "Where shopping is a pleasure." While that is a pretty lame, old-school slogan, it is in fact true. Happy, helpful employees. Clean stores. Even their generic store-labeled products are creatively packaged. They do the best TV of any supermarket chain out there. Even their circulars in the Sunday paper are creative, and I throw those away instantly. "No matter," says Publix, "We keep them online for you." They even try to make their stores look cool. They don't cookie-cutter build them and rarely will you see the same architecture.

I may be blinded by the fact that I just discovered a sushi vendor at a local Publix who simply blows the doors off those uncaring sushi slobs at my local Albertson's. I would follow this lady on tour if she took her act on the road. Restaurant grade. Premium. Inventive. And she smiles and offers a genuine "thank you" when you snatch up her creations.

I may never have to shop at Albertson's again.

Grab Can, Lift Arm, Stack Can, Turn Around

In this area, there are basically two options for grocery shopping (three if you count Winn-Dixie, but nobody counts Winn-Dixie anymore, as they are dying a slow and painful death). We've got Publix and Albertson's.

The local Albertson's has a "fresh" fish counter in the back that tends to make the entire store smell like something rotting, the always rotating employees and managers are generally in bad moods, and they keep rearranging the aisles so no one can find anything.

By comparison, the local Publix is a veritable Disneyland. It's clean, the employees this week are the same ones from last month, and they always seem to be in good moods. The only area where Albertson's trumps Publix (locally, anyway) is fresh sushi, which I will go to Albertson's for when the sushi jones kicks in.

I'm pretty sure what makes Publix the better store is that Publix is employee owned. These people have a stake and therefore, they care.

It might also be the music. I think they just switched their music, or the manager's away for the holiday and the employees are having fun. Used to be all you'd hear were 70s classics from the likes of Carly Simon, Billy Joel and Gladys Knight. On a recent trip I heard Big Audio Dynamite and U2. Then yesterday it was Billy Idol and Joe Jackson. If I say, "Supermarket music," your top-of-mind song isn't going to be "Look Sharp."

And damnit if I didn't find myself, like a sucker, enjoying it. I have become the targeted demo supermarket shopper.

Previously in Supermarket Marketing:
Don't Wander From Your Brat as He Dances in the Cart