Across From Super Wal-Mart

We're on a restaurant theme here today at Where's My Jetpack.

Having spent a couple years at a mid-sized market network affiliate making local commercials for clients with no money, I can sympathize with the creators of sushi restaurant spots.

This one for a sushi bar in D'Ibervile, Mississippi covers all the bases.

• Stereotypical "Japanese" music bed? Check.
• Too much copy? Check.
• Cliché-ridden copy? No problem.
  
• Slow pans of restaurant by a guy who is really a news photog? Yep.
• Unappetizing food shots? Got it.
• Rushed voiceover by unprofessional voiceover talent? Done.
• End with view of exterior in a strip mall + phone number? But of course!
• Bonus: Easy locator landmark.
  

I Know! We'll Use Cavemen!

Bentonville, Arkansas, home of Wal-Mart, is apparently also the home of Fuse Fitness Center. While the Geico Cavemen remain somewhat popular, (created by the Martin Agency, who also landed the Wal-Mart account just before they stole my Frampton idea) the folks at Fuse figured they'd jump on the bandwagon.

But these are not your urbane, sardonic cavemen as created for Geico and then ruined by ABC. These are more or less just your average mulleted Ozark Neanderthals in sleeveless flannel shirts.



In many Arkansas towns, the boys just sew the sleeves back on come winter.

I sympathize with the creators of this ad. I used to have to deal with this crap when I was a TV writer/producer not very far from Bentonville. They wanted to do something "fresh" and "new" and "different" from all the other gym ads, but they had no budget, substandard production equipment, a guy from the gym who wanted to be on camera as spokesman, bad acting, extras (unpaid) overacting and a voiceover talent who brings the lifeless script just the perfect lifeless tone and inflection. And they had to shoot late at night when the gym was closed, (apparently without a light kit) so you can't even see the cavemen in the closing shot.

The total cost for producing this ad, including mullet wigs, was probably around $330.

But as far as getting the word out in Bentonville about Fuse, it's probably doing the trick. And they do address a good point - one reason people avoid gyms is to avoid the fathead muscle grunters you typically find in gyms.

And the spokesdude has been getting noticed at Wal-Mart, with people coming up to him saying, "Hey! Aren't you that guy from the gym?" He fakes a sheepish look as he hands them his card and says, "My boss is gonna kill me for offering this, but if you join today, I'll knock 10% off your membership fee."

Where's My Jetpack? The Book by Someone Else

Daniel Wilson and I share the same initials, and we share the same thoughts on the future we were promised; the one that never arrived. His book shares the name of this blog. That book just arrived in the mail. Its chapter titles could've been lifted from the lyrics of the song of the same name. It's printed on what seems to be 100 lb. glossy cardstock, with illustrations by Richard Horne of East London. I'll thumb through it and it shouldn't take long. Chapters are broken down into inventions that never really happened, starting with the jetpack. It is categorized under "humor," so I'm hoping for a couple of chuckles for my $14.95.

Mr. Wilson once contacted me, trying to get me to part with the domain Where's My Jetpack? Not happening. I suggested WhereISMyJetpack.com and he snapped it up. Mr. Wilson is a columnist for Popular Mechanics and earned a Ph.D. in robotics from Carnegie Mellon University. He authored another book that Mike Myers optioned the movie rights for, How to Survive a Robot Uprising. So, he's much smarter than me and he's been published. You might like his book.

This is the extent of my promotion of Mr. Wilson's book. He's presently on a book tour in the Pacific Northwest. I'm counting on him to make the phrase Where's My Jetpack? even more popular, preparing the way for me. Thanks, Daniel, and good luck. I hope you makes tons of money. Don't waste it on Rush albums, though.

For me, the phrase has always been about more than just inventions that didn't happen. The name of the blog is really tongue in cheek and does not speak to jetpacks alone. "Jetpack" is just a symbol for all the awesome goodness we were promised as children; a glorious future of peace and wealth and universal brotherhood, no death or sickness or strife. Heaven on Earth! (And sold to us by people like you and me - advertisers and marketers - with help from Disney, the government and Ray Bradbury.)

But that Utopian dream ain't happening anytime soon. Too many haters out there bent on destruction: Al Qaeda , Cho Seung-Hui, Alec Baldwin Kim Basinger and all the rest.

So, in that sense, it's hardcore cynicism, but I'll still be the first one in line when WalMart is selling cheap, reliable jetpacks.