Alec Baldwin, Master of Damage Control

Thanks to everyone who has shown such wonderful support in this trying time as I deal with a certain unnamed psychotic and evil woman who hasn't had a role in a movie since Door in the Floor with Jeff Bridges, and who is always referred to in the press as having won an Oscar for a movie she did ten years ago. When they start talking about your career highlight being ten years old, you're pretty much a has-been, baby. I'm currently starring in a very successful sitcom on NBC. Also, I've hosted SNL more times than anyone in history. I was also in The Good Shepherd and The Departed, two very successful, and I might add, recent films.

I am deeply sorry for the way in which I behaved toward my daughter in that voicemail message everyone has heard, which a certain unnamed evil washed-up actress released to the media, even though she says she didn't, proving once again what I've been saying from the start; that some people are just liars and pathologically incapable of behaving correctly, and unable to recognize their own insanity.

I was wrong to have lashed out at my wonderful daughter, but as anyone who knows me will attest, I have lived in a virtual Hell for the last six years, while one of Satan's favorite minions, a certain unnamed blonde bimbo hacktress, has tormented me and alienated my child from me.

Once my book is published, I'm sure more people will understand the incredible strains created by parental alienation. It's a very real condition and practiced especially skillfully by a certain unnamed, insecure, worthless piece of crap and poor excuse for a mother who lives in LA with my daughter.

Do I have anger issues? I confess, I do. But you would too if you spent nearly 10 years with a certain unnamed lying psychotic bitch who then divorced you and drags your name through the mud at every opportunity, all the while pretending to play the caring, protective mother while she keeps your daughter from you. This is textbook parental alientation. And just between you and me - the sex wasn't that good.

In the meantime, I'm sorry to anyone who's taken offense from this episode.

(His real response is here)

Where's My Jetpack? The Book by Someone Else

Daniel Wilson and I share the same initials, and we share the same thoughts on the future we were promised; the one that never arrived. His book shares the name of this blog. That book just arrived in the mail. Its chapter titles could've been lifted from the lyrics of the song of the same name. It's printed on what seems to be 100 lb. glossy cardstock, with illustrations by Richard Horne of East London. I'll thumb through it and it shouldn't take long. Chapters are broken down into inventions that never really happened, starting with the jetpack. It is categorized under "humor," so I'm hoping for a couple of chuckles for my $14.95.

Mr. Wilson once contacted me, trying to get me to part with the domain Where's My Jetpack? Not happening. I suggested WhereISMyJetpack.com and he snapped it up. Mr. Wilson is a columnist for Popular Mechanics and earned a Ph.D. in robotics from Carnegie Mellon University. He authored another book that Mike Myers optioned the movie rights for, How to Survive a Robot Uprising. So, he's much smarter than me and he's been published. You might like his book.

This is the extent of my promotion of Mr. Wilson's book. He's presently on a book tour in the Pacific Northwest. I'm counting on him to make the phrase Where's My Jetpack? even more popular, preparing the way for me. Thanks, Daniel, and good luck. I hope you makes tons of money. Don't waste it on Rush albums, though.

For me, the phrase has always been about more than just inventions that didn't happen. The name of the blog is really tongue in cheek and does not speak to jetpacks alone. "Jetpack" is just a symbol for all the awesome goodness we were promised as children; a glorious future of peace and wealth and universal brotherhood, no death or sickness or strife. Heaven on Earth! (And sold to us by people like you and me - advertisers and marketers - with help from Disney, the government and Ray Bradbury.)

But that Utopian dream ain't happening anytime soon. Too many haters out there bent on destruction: Al Qaeda , Cho Seung-Hui, Alec Baldwin Kim Basinger and all the rest.

So, in that sense, it's hardcore cynicism, but I'll still be the first one in line when WalMart is selling cheap, reliable jetpacks.