Ravioli on The Grill

Ronnie the landscaper reveals that's it not all party-time, firecrackers and chasing chicks in his latest video. The character is getting dark, but you'd be too if one of the exes you're in a custody battle with showed up at the last minute with two of your six kids so she could go out with her new man in his "gay-ass, punked-out Monte Carlo."

Ronnie doesn't care much about production values, making his videos pretty simple to produce, but I may have to break down and buy the poor bastard a wireless mic.



Ronnie would like you to be his friend on Facebook. You may also follow him on Twitter. He will only stalk you if you're hot. Ronnie's definition of "hot" is pretty much defined by what he would do to get to know you. For instance, if you heard him say, "I'd suck the dick of the dog that pissed on the tire of the car that took her dirty underwear to the laundromat," you probably qualify as Super-Hot. And of course Ronnie has a blog where he expounds on subjects such as polygamy, tattoos, church, and tries to get Will Ferrell to co-star in his movie.

Ronnie says he is available for brand/product endorsements or for speaking to groups of students about "the importance of education or some shit."

Ronnie owes his existence to Humongo.

I Will Be a Schizophrenic Before This Is Over

As the Humongo Agency tour neared my locale, I debated going out to ambush them. I needed a good ruse, and at the last minute I came up with Ronnie, a character who is likely near to my heart. I did a summer on a landscaping crew, and Ronnie is probably a subconscious amalgamation of some of the guys I worked with. He means well, but he's, well, for lack of a better term, a little fucked up.

The character went over a little better than I expected and he has taken on a life of his own at the encouragement of Chris, Darryl and a few others. Ronnie now has a blog, a Twitter account and a YouTube channel. Here's his first video.

Unemployment Will Make A Man Do Weird Things

The last time I was on an extended unemployment stretch, I packed up everything and moved from Missouri to Florida. After I found a room to rent in a weird guy's house, I found a job as a landscaper. Actually, we mainly just cut lawns in the heat. It only lasted for a few months, but I have a tendency to romanticize that brief employment as the best job I ever had. The boss and owner of the company, a former timeshare salesman, was a thick-accented Jersey guy who always had a joint hanging from his lips. After we were done with a yard and it looked exceptionally nice, he'd say, "It's cake!" Or he'd announce as we approached a lawn, "Make it cake, boys!" I came to interpret that direction in a way that is best interpreted by the following diagram:

So, now that I'm unemployed again, I apply for jobs online and send cover letters and resumes to the people who hire people like me, and when I run out of those, I go to the yard and work on some long-neglected corner that needs a cakemaker's touch. Then I come in and check the inbox or send out another query letter for that damned book that keeps collecting rejection letters. Or I'll mess with the design of one of my websites. Sometimes I'll even mess with the whole purpose of one of my websites. And then sometimes I'll just get a really crazy idea like building a mock cake with a landscaping theme.

Click it. It's effing huge.

Admit it. It looks delicious.

Face It, Orlando: You're a One-Trick Town

Let's just give it up. We are known for Disney. Enough pretending to be a world-class city. We fail every time we try. We are known for the Mouse (and as the place where babies disappear in the care of white-trash parents).

While some will argue that a game in the mud is a fun and watchable throwback to the good old days of football, the rest will counter that in today's environment, where turf management is a disciplined practice, if not a science, a field that disappears after a little rain is reason enough for some sorry-ass stadium manager to lose his job. The stadium is city-owned, which pretty much explains the problem.

And they still hope that this field hosts qualifying matches for the World Cup. 

A bunch of muddy dudes help a guy named McCray up off a field of shit that made 

Orlando look like a cow town unable and undeserving of hosting a bowl game.

Vehicle Graphics

Designed for an as-yet imaginary vehicle to be used in an as-yet imaginary endeavor. But we traffic in imagination.
The emblem on the corner of the trailer is from another imaginary endeavor.

It Usually Starts WIth a Title and an Image

A new project*, coming soon** from Jetpack Productions.


* "Project" is the loose term we give to things that have not been developed in the least, and only exist as a URL and a few vague notions.

** "Soon" is the undefined timeframe we give to things that may be here next week or next decade.

My Ideal Business Card

One of my first friends in the "social media space" was Fred Leo, known to Twitter users as @everysandwich. Fred asked me to do a short VO for him last week. Since it was raining today and any outdoor plans got scrubbed, I sat down and knocked it out. It was fun and reminded me I need to get back to that kind of work one of these days. But I also need to write more songs. And get a giant trailer full of cool lawn gear and do some anonymous guerrilla landscaping. Maybe get back into the podcasting game. And mass produce a cheap land paddle. And sell a novel. And write another one. And other stuff.

One of these days.

Order of American 'Scapers in Service

Since everyone's talking about that Service Nation Summit last night, I'm reintroducing my dream of starting an organization. It's called OASIS, which stands for the Order of American 'Scapers in Service. A 'scaper is a yard dog, a lawn rat, a groundskeeper. I used to be one and it was kind of a nice life, except the pay was ridiculously low.

The root of the mission of OASIS is the free gift of lawn maintenance.

Once a week, OASIS members give their gift to someone who needs it and will appreciate it. If at all possible, it is recommended that OASIS crews practice "guerilla landscaping," where no one even knows they were there. A Landscaping Strike Force, in and out...because the thrill of giving in secret is better than the pride of recognition.

Since I'm calling it an "order," I created this rip-off of the American Seal. I envision members sporting this decal on their trucks and trailers, instantly conveying to potential customers some sort of credibility. The motto "Makin' Cake" comes from what I think a nicely mowed lawn looks like when it's done: perfect chocolate edge, clean and smooth on top, blown off and sculpted. When it's done and you walk away from it, you go, "Damn! Cake!" It's like a temporary art installation. And unlike most jobs, when its done, it's done. There is no question, no committee to review it, no edits and no one saying, "It needs less this or more that."

Right now OASIS consists of a logo, and a lame one at that. I'm still willing to allow John Deere to fund this project.

Let's Just Get an Employee to Voice The Spot

I like to listen to the radio in the car. Almost any kind of radio. I even get a kick out of stupid radio that completely messes with my senses, like Sean Hannity, because it's good to know how people who think they are deep thinkers really think. I suppose I could better use my commuting time learning a foreign language on CD, but then I'd be that guy you see in your rearview mirror talking to himself as I repeated after the instructor, "¿Cuántas cervezas antes de usted consiguen desnudas?" (Go ahead, take that phrase to your favorite translation site.)

I have done voiceovers and I have directed voiceovers, and I think I know good talent when I hear it. I've been wrong before. I once convinced a TV studio director to read for a spot because she had a very smooth and attractive voice. In front of the mic with a script, she froze up and sounded like a 3rd grader just learning to read big books without pictures.

So recently I was listening to a local show that makes me laugh some mornings and a spot came on voiced by a guy with the coolest Southern accent. It wasn't Redneck Southern, but had that Virginia/Carolina refinement to it, where the word "dollar" becomes dolluh and "help" is a charming "hep." The voice belonged to this man, Ashton Ritchie. He wasn't the best voiceover talent, in fact his voice was a little high-pitched and he sounded slightly nervous, but there was an honesty in his voice that made me believe in the product he was selling, Scotts Bonus S Weed and Feed for Southern Lawns. Ritchie is apparently an employee of The Scotts Company in Ohio and understands the deep mysteries of suburban lawn care.

I know many urbanites who scoff at lawns, but houses often come with yards that require attention. Being a homeowner with a yard that tends to try to die every year, I bought a bag of the stuff based on Ritchie's seemingly honest endorsement. It was some ridiculous kind of expensive, so I took care to apply it to my front lawn in exactly the manner indicated on the bag.

The man wasn't lying. Shit works. Crazy works. My lawn looks like it responded to a spam email for Lawn Enhancement. It is strong, firm and long-lasting. All the ladies in the town are impressed by it's length, girth and stamina. My lawn is no longer embarrassed by its small size. It is now powerful and able to please through the night. My lawn has confidence.

Mowing season has started down here and the front lawn is on grass steroids. Thanks, Mr. Southern Gentleman Lawn Care Dude, but now I'm afraid to apply Scotts to the backyard.

Locals Only - Palm Tree Clip Art

Part X in a Series on very local advertising

The weekly neighborhood flyer (or is that flier?) that lands on the driveway. One week it's yellow, the next green, sometimes pink. Always bagged against the weather, and usually only leafed through when I need a plumber or something to blog about.

Just as businesses in Florida love to call themselves "Gator," they also like to use palm trees in their "logos."

If I ever need a landscaper, I will know to look for the palm tree clip art. In this week's issue, no less than six variations of palm tree are used in landscaper ads, and one for a spa.


Previously in Locals Only

Locals Only: Marketers Throwing Stones

Part IX in a series of reviews of very local advertising

It doesn't really fall into the category of "direct mail" since it arrives in the driveway, but I get these little offers once in a while. It's not a bad practice, really. A landscaper tosses a handful of decorative landscaping rocks in a Ziploc^® bag along with a cheap flyer made in Word^® (oh yeah! Algerian font!) and offers to help me make my yard look better.

From a delivery perspective, it's simple. Heavy bag, protected from the weather, flies pretty straight when tossed from a moving vehicle.

Can't cost too much, either.

The only problem I have with this is that the person tossing the bags of rocks likely drove past my house and said, "Oh, definitely! This dude needs major help. Toss one here." So I feel insulted and now more motivated to do it myself. I noted that my neighbor with the perfect yard didn't get one of these.

Previously in Locals Only

Grass Don't Lie

Someday I will cease writing bullshit for liars. Someday, when old “friends” call me and ask me to “work your magic” on some “on fire” job, I will say, “Find yourself another writer.” Or when some sales type says, "Yeah, man, whatever, just do that fluffy writing stuff and let's get it out the door," I will say, "You know what, jackass? I'm done making you look good."

So I just renewed one of my many domains, The ‘Scapers.The fantasy is that I will mow lawns and somehow make a living. I'll probably need a bunch of illegal aliens working for me if I hope to realize a healthy profit.

Yeah, I need a logo. I'm accepting free ones.

Open Mic Night: Typeface Edition

After the events of last week’s open mic night edition, I found myself in Florida, looking for work as a writer while I made some quick living cash as a member of a landscaping crew. It was a small operation, and we basically just maintained the really nice yards of really nice homes. We'd do about 20 yards a day. It was easily the most satisfying job I’ve ever held.

I fell in love with riding a mower like this, and likened it to a sport. You’re standing on this one-wheeled platform cruising through the St. Augustine grass and running around with a weed eater, an edger and a blower making lawns look beautiful. If the lawn had hills and sharp turns, all the better, as it felt like some sort of offroad race track. It's a great workout too. What added to the satisfaction of the job was this weird sense of accomplishment when a yard was done. It was production by committee, but much different from how it works in an agency or a studio. No one is going to say, “No, I think you should mow it this way,” or “Can we get a sharper edge on that curb?” When a job was done, it was done, and everyone knew it. Then off we’d truck to the next nice home in one more identical suburb.

Of course, mowing lawns doesn’t pay well, and eventually I found a “real” job, but not before I observed some things during the summer of '02 as a ‘scaper, which worked themselves into a song recorded at home. It's merely a demo and doesn't need any production critique. I'm fully aware of the many areas in which it sucks. Guitar was straight into the computer. Drums are canned. It’s called "Time’s New Romans" and is found in the top of the sidebar until next week's edition replaces it. Lyrics are here.

I’ve got plans to make this the title track of my fourth CD, which is sort of getting way ahead of myself, as albums 1 through 3 aren’t even produced yet. See the companion website here.

Archived Open Mic Night Music is found here.

Dear John Deere

This very nice oceanfront property in St. Augustine Beach, Florida, is owned by the John Deere company of Moline, Illinois. It is one of at least three coastal properties owned by John Deere. The neighbors tell me it is used maybe three to four times per year. What a shame.

I have used and appreciate John Deere equipment, particularly these babies, which make mowing anything but a chore. More like an action-packed and dangerous motorsport.

I'd like to take this opportunity to offer John Deere my services as their fulltime caretaker and house-sitter. I will stay out of sight on the few occasions when corporate execs are down here to party in the sun on retreat. You can fire your maids and groundskeepers. Your property sits very close to the spot where my wife and I were married.

Short of letting me live in their house, I'd like John Deere to consider participating in this little not-for-profit venture of mine. The publicity would be very good, and I'll put your logo all over the trucks and trailers. You guys obviously have tons of money. Let me help you spend a few dollars. The press contacts are lined up and waiting to write stories on this thing if it ever really gets launched. PR opportunities abound. The website is up and we're just waiting for a corporate sponsor. Hope it isn't a competitor. Be good to see this thing sponsored by a US concern.

Email me anytime at Jetpacks@gmail.com