Order of American 'Scapers in Service

Since everyone's talking about that Service Nation Summit last night, I'm reintroducing my dream of starting an organization. It's called OASIS, which stands for the Order of American 'Scapers in Service. A 'scaper is a yard dog, a lawn rat, a groundskeeper. I used to be one and it was kind of a nice life, except the pay was ridiculously low.

The root of the mission of OASIS is the free gift of lawn maintenance.

Once a week, OASIS members give their gift to someone who needs it and will appreciate it. If at all possible, it is recommended that OASIS crews practice "guerilla landscaping," where no one even knows they were there. A Landscaping Strike Force, in and out...because the thrill of giving in secret is better than the pride of recognition.

Since I'm calling it an "order," I created this rip-off of the American Seal. I envision members sporting this decal on their trucks and trailers, instantly conveying to potential customers some sort of credibility. The motto "Makin' Cake" comes from what I think a nicely mowed lawn looks like when it's done: perfect chocolate edge, clean and smooth on top, blown off and sculpted. When it's done and you walk away from it, you go, "Damn! Cake!" It's like a temporary art installation. And unlike most jobs, when its done, it's done. There is no question, no committee to review it, no edits and no one saying, "It needs less this or more that."

Right now OASIS consists of a logo, and a lame one at that. I'm still willing to allow John Deere to fund this project.

Dear John Deere

This very nice oceanfront property in St. Augustine Beach, Florida, is owned by the John Deere company of Moline, Illinois. It is one of at least three coastal properties owned by John Deere. The neighbors tell me it is used maybe three to four times per year. What a shame.

I have used and appreciate John Deere equipment, particularly these babies, which make mowing anything but a chore. More like an action-packed and dangerous motorsport.

I'd like to take this opportunity to offer John Deere my services as their fulltime caretaker and house-sitter. I will stay out of sight on the few occasions when corporate execs are down here to party in the sun on retreat. You can fire your maids and groundskeepers. Your property sits very close to the spot where my wife and I were married.

Short of letting me live in their house, I'd like John Deere to consider participating in this little not-for-profit venture of mine. The publicity would be very good, and I'll put your logo all over the trucks and trailers. You guys obviously have tons of money. Let me help you spend a few dollars. The press contacts are lined up and waiting to write stories on this thing if it ever really gets launched. PR opportunities abound. The website is up and we're just waiting for a corporate sponsor. Hope it isn't a competitor. Be good to see this thing sponsored by a US concern.

Email me anytime at Jetpacks@gmail.com