The Susan Boyle of Voiceover

By now you know of the heartwarming story of Ted Williams, the Columbus, Ohio homeless man who became an overnight sensation and is now not only no longer homeless, but also the voice of the Cleveland Cavaliers, NFL Films, NASA, FoxNews, Microsoft, the Playboy Channel and the Pentagon. Maybe some of those aren't true, but Mr. Williams has indeed turned his shit around. I, like everyone else, think this is great. But I can't help thinking that the only reason Mr. Williams is a huge sensation is because no one expected a voice like that to come out of a homeless dude standing on an off-ramp of an Ohio highway. A thousand dudes have the ability to do the (in Williams' words) "old school" VO. Just like Susan Boyle. Thousands of women can sing like Susan Boyle, you just don't expect a voice like Ms. Boyle's to come from a homely woman with a mustache.

And now Ted Williams has been made the voice of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese by CP+B, one more entity looking to make the most out of Williams' unfortunate/fortunate situation. I have to hand it to Ted. I was homeless once. And I've done professional voiceover work. But I never had the ingenuity to put the two together and turn my life around in a moment. I hope you all remember him when you're putting your Top Ten Awesome and Inspiring Stories from 2011 together in December.

So now, in the spirit of the moment, I have created a fake radio ad for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in the old school voiceover style that everyone is now so in love with again. I don't have Williams' depth and resonance, but I figure a few more cartons of cigarettes and I'm on my way.



CP+B: call me.

Lemme Get All NPR On You

I took that little story about my neighbors and recorded it. I suppose my delivery isn't "hypnotic" enough by NPR standards, but here it is anyway. (Probably doesn't show up in RSS, so you have to go to the site.)

Mariah Carey, What Hath Thou Wrought?

I don't know when it started, but somewhere along the way singers all started to do that warbly thing. I can't describe it in words well, but it's where they take a single syllable and turn it into five syllables and take it all over a scale or up and down an octave. It's show-off singing. Right now, some cube dweller here on what I call "Death Row" (where they keep the creatives on their way out soon - far away from the other creatives) someone from another department keeps a clock radio for company. They also enjoy Christmas music. Some unknown (to me) lady crooner is smoothing her way through "Do You Hear What I Hear" right now, where even the word "I" is an unrecognizable string of sounds, as if she's trying to impress a panel of judges at a high school talent show. It's enough to make me even more Scrooge-like. Gimme my headphones.

Because Chistmas Is Only More Than A Month Away

Punching around on the "seek" feature on my drive in, I heard Christmas music on the radio. In mid-November. It seems an already horrible Orlando radio station* has made itself even worse this week by being the first to adopt the "All Shitty Christmas Music—All The Fucking Time" format. If I were an advertiser on this station, I'd be plenty pissed. How can this possibly be listened to, except maybe in retail environments? And even there the employees and shoppers must be going, "shut UP!"

* They ditched an alt-rock format this year for Oldies/Classic Hits.

Lemme Hold a Dollar

Steve Morris, President of Arbitron Ratings, gambles that I'll be more likely to participate in his company's radio survey if he sends me a crisp dollar bill in the mail. This will probably not happen. What I will do, Steve, is learn from your gambling example and spend this dollar on the Florida Lottery. If I win, I will buy a radio station.


Previously in "Dollars Thrown Away in the Mail":
Guilt as Motivator

Fair and Balanced

I like to keep an ear to both sides of the politically biased reporting. I listen to right wing radio to and from work. (Finding a left wing radio show in this market is very hard unless you have XM.) I go to crazy leftist sites like Huffington Post and 23/6, and I check in on the equally partisan Red State, Free Republic and Town Hall. In the evening, I like to switch around and get a dose of Matthews and Olbermann along with Hannity and O'Reilly.

And of all the places I have the option to listen to or participate in, the ones that squawk the most about bias are the right wingers. Daily they decry the unbalanced reporting of "the mainstream media" and those who are "in the tank." They act as though they are broadcasting on pirate wavelengths or short wave. They have a siege mentality that belies their stated objectivity. They thrive on the "us against them" game. They are haters and dividers.

Sean Hannity just renewed a multi-million dollar, multi-year deal with Fox. Limbaugh did the same with his affiliates. Apparently, they have a huge audience. But if any of their fellow broadcasters or columnists dare to say a nice thing about the other side, they are instantly shunned and treated as traitors.

There are just as many right wing, utterly biased sources for news and commentary as there are left. Quit yer bitchin', ya big babies. If I want to hear people getting a thrill up their leg for Obama, I know where to go. If I want to hear a bunch of old limp dicks who suddenly got boners for Sarah Palin, I know where to find that as well.

There are two mediums in America now. They are equal. Give yourself some credit, right wingers. You built Fox and revived AM radio and now your people have a place to go if they want one-sided attack journalism. You ARE mainstream. To act as though you are "outsiders" is disingenuous at best.

If I want truly non-partisan, fair and balanced coverage, I know where to go: CSPAN.

How To Write Morrissey Lyrics

...or any emo lyrics, for that matter.

I was headed to the grocery store and heard some random Smiths song on the radio and was marveling at Morrissey's ability to create the most random, non-rhyming lyrics. I'm sure many people read deep meaning into things Morrissey writes that he never intended. He's considered the Godfather of Emo for his supposed depth and nuance.

As I pulled into the parking lot I saw a bunch of Boy Scouts offering a car wash next to the liquor store. I decided to have my car washed , since it was very dirty. And now I will write a Morrissey song based on the experience.
Boy Scout Car Wash

And my car was dirty.
And the Boy Scouts, they were washing cars. By the liquor store.
So I had my car washed.
Now they can go to camp this summer, because I gave them a twenty.

And they made my car shine.
And now my car shines.
And the liquor store. It's a great place to have your car washed.
If your car is dirty.

And my car was dirty. But now it's not anymore.
Because the Boy Scouts washed my car. And I gave them a twenty.
And now they will go to camp this summer. I'm so happy.
So happy for the Boy Scouts. Who washed my car.
By the liquor store.
And now my car's clean. My car's clean. My car's clean.

And they made my car shine.
And now my car shines.
And the liquor store. It's a great place to have your car washed.
If your car is dirty.


Deep, huh?

Classic Rock Mailman

It'll get bigger if you click it.

If there's one noise that can send me straight for the "off" button, it's the sound of the band Boston with their stupid fuzzy guitars that always sound the same, no matter what ancient and lame song they're playing.

You could avoid playing most classic rock acts ever again and make 90% of the country happy. (Some bands, Zeppelin comes to mind, stand the test of time and get rediscovered by later generations.) Unfortunately, there are enough classic rock fans out there to keep at least one classic rock station on the air in most major markets. (They are REQUIRED in small markets.) And the playlist will always have way too much Boston on it. (And REO Shitwagon!)

The mailman here at work is always cranking it up to 11 as he drives up to our mailroom. He inspired this silly image, using the head of classic rock guitarist Luther Dickinson, who does not fall into the unlistenable category by any means.

I think this could be an SNL skit.