Antique Rocker: Needs Refinishing

Having failed to pen a decent hit in decades, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith has checked himself into rehab - again - in the hopes that sobriety might find him able to regain his once prolific abilities. The singer has stated that addiction to prescription painkillers is his current problem.

“With the help of my family and team of medical professionals, I am taking responsibility for the management of my pain and am eager to be back on the stage and in the recording studio with my band mates,” the 61-year-old Tyler said in a statement.

Some medical professionals are urging caution, saying that if Tyler ever hopes to be relevant again, he might consider what helped him in his heyday.

"If you take an album like 'Rocks,' or 'Toys in the Attic,' you find Tyler at his most creative," said Dr. Lex Leather, a specialist in the management of addictions at UCLA and a rock history professor at West Covina Community College. "During that time, Tyler was using heroin, cocaine and he was drinking daily. A couple years later, we find his skills have diminished on 'Draw the Line' and 'Night in the Ruts.' So, by this time he was abusing, instead of just using. Clearly what Steven needs to do is get back to heroin, cocaine and alcohol, but under supervision from a professional."

Leather continues, "When he's sober, Tyler writes stuff that is more suited to Whitney Houston or Andy Williams. It's not good, and to see talent like his wasted is a sad thing."

Others say the old rocker just needs to hang it up.

"It's embarrassing as all fuck," said one industry insider with ties to the band, "Skin-tight pants on a grandpa as he thrusts his crotch at a crowd? That would get most old men arrested."

Determined not to be cast to the pages of history, the rest of the band are supporting Tyler in his effort to get clean.

"Look," said guitarist Brad Whitford, "I'm not going to play the state fair circuit with REO Speedwagon and Loverboy. Once you've done a huge arena, a rodeo is a giant buzz kill. And if we have to perform recycled schlock rock from a team of LA songwriters, then so be it."

MOST OF THE PEOPLE QUOTED IN THIS ARTICLE DID NOT SAY THE THINGS ATTRIBUTED TO THEM, IF THOSE PEOPLE EVEN EXIST. I KID BECAUSE I CARE. DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION ARE NO LAUGHING MATTER, BUT A LITTLE HIT OF WEED AND A BEER CAN SOMETIMES BE THE IMPETUS FOR A GREAT SONG. UNDER MEDICAL SUPERVISION, OF COURSE.

Classic Rock Mailman

It'll get bigger if you click it.

If there's one noise that can send me straight for the "off" button, it's the sound of the band Boston with their stupid fuzzy guitars that always sound the same, no matter what ancient and lame song they're playing.

You could avoid playing most classic rock acts ever again and make 90% of the country happy. (Some bands, Zeppelin comes to mind, stand the test of time and get rediscovered by later generations.) Unfortunately, there are enough classic rock fans out there to keep at least one classic rock station on the air in most major markets. (They are REQUIRED in small markets.) And the playlist will always have way too much Boston on it. (And REO Shitwagon!)

The mailman here at work is always cranking it up to 11 as he drives up to our mailroom. He inspired this silly image, using the head of classic rock guitarist Luther Dickinson, who does not fall into the unlistenable category by any means.

I think this could be an SNL skit.