Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Antique Rocker: Needs Refinishing

Having failed to pen a decent hit in decades, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith has checked himself into rehab - again - in the hopes that sobriety might find him able to regain his once prolific abilities. The singer has stated that addiction to prescription painkillers is his current problem.

“With the help of my family and team of medical professionals, I am taking responsibility for the management of my pain and am eager to be back on the stage and in the recording studio with my band mates,” the 61-year-old Tyler said in a statement.

Some medical professionals are urging caution, saying that if Tyler ever hopes to be relevant again, he might consider what helped him in his heyday.

"If you take an album like 'Rocks,' or 'Toys in the Attic,' you find Tyler at his most creative," said Dr. Lex Leather, a specialist in the management of addictions at UCLA and a rock history professor at West Covina Community College. "During that time, Tyler was using heroin, cocaine and he was drinking daily. A couple years later, we find his skills have diminished on 'Draw the Line' and 'Night in the Ruts.' So, by this time he was abusing, instead of just using. Clearly what Steven needs to do is get back to heroin, cocaine and alcohol, but under supervision from a professional."

Leather continues, "When he's sober, Tyler writes stuff that is more suited to Whitney Houston or Andy Williams. It's not good, and to see talent like his wasted is a sad thing."

Others say the old rocker just needs to hang it up.

"It's embarrassing as all fuck," said one industry insider with ties to the band, "Skin-tight pants on a grandpa as he thrusts his crotch at a crowd? That would get most old men arrested."

Determined not to be cast to the pages of history, the rest of the band are supporting Tyler in his effort to get clean.

"Look," said guitarist Brad Whitford, "I'm not going to play the state fair circuit with REO Speedwagon and Loverboy. Once you've done a huge arena, a rodeo is a giant buzz kill. And if we have to perform recycled schlock rock from a team of LA songwriters, then so be it."

MOST OF THE PEOPLE QUOTED IN THIS ARTICLE DID NOT SAY THE THINGS ATTRIBUTED TO THEM, IF THOSE PEOPLE EVEN EXIST. I KID BECAUSE I CARE. DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION ARE NO LAUGHING MATTER, BUT A LITTLE HIT OF WEED AND A BEER CAN SOMETIMES BE THE IMPETUS FOR A GREAT SONG. UNDER MEDICAL SUPERVISION, OF COURSE.

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4 Comments:

  • Ya, I don't think it's funny to joke about doing heroin, my brother died because of
    his addiction(s). There's no such thing as just a hit or drink of anything if you're addicted - even under supervision, that would just set you up for the ultimate fall... to your death. Steven has proven to be even more talented without substance abuse.
    Be well Steven,
    L.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 29, 2009 at 10:54 PM  

  • Well, uh, L., I'm pretty sure Jetpacks meant nothing serious here. If you read this blog at all, then you know the snarky-ness is what keeps us all coming back. It's no secret Steven is an addict...to just about everything.
    I'm also not too sure Steven was any more talented sober...but his sake, I hope he gets his shit together.

    By OpenID adchick, at December 29, 2009 at 11:11 PM  

  • Brilliant headline, Jetpacks.

    By Blogger rebecca, at December 30, 2009 at 12:33 PM  

  • yeah, not many headlines actually make me laugh out loud, but you succeeded with this one. bravo.

    By Blogger don, at January 4, 2010 at 9:28 PM  

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