Rocket to the Moon and Race Right Back

To my holograph room and my new jetpack

Jetpacks are in the news of late, thanks to some Fox News hosts getting duped by Weekly World News. The verdict, here from the Mythbusters guys appearing last night on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, is that no, we won't see any jetpacks anytime soon. Yeah, I thought I said that already.

I love how the folks who developed this behemoth, screaming jetpack claim it will fly for 30 minutes at 63 mph, but you never see it flying for more than a few seconds, and always hovering at about four feet off the ground. And this is Martin's second go-round with a PR push. The first one (over two years ago) didn't generate enough buzz, I guess. Maybe because this was and still is a shitty jetpack.

With all this jetpack news, you'd think a radio station, commercial producer or someone should be playing or licensing my song at this point. 

The Best Decade Ever

The lists are being created with wanton abandon. Give it a rest, already. Rolling Stone wants me to know what songs and albums were "The Best" in the last ten years. Hey, Rolling Stone, fuck you, OK? Every month you create a list, from the 100 Best Guitarists of All Time to the Top Ten Best Eddie Vedder Impersonators. (Scott Stapp, please Stopp.) When Rolling Stone isn't on their knees fellating Bruce Springsteen or praying to John Lennon, they're busy at the List Machine, making lists.

Time magazine has a whole bunch of "Top Tens." Top 10 Heisman Trophy Winners, Top 10 Beauty Pageant Scandals, Top 10 Things You Didn't Know About Hanukkah, even the Top 10 Disney Controversies. Those are real lists at a real news magazine's website. Maybe we should blame "Countdown" with Keith Olbermann. "Which of these top stories will you be talking about tomorrow?" he smugly demands at the beginning of each broadcast, with that stupid animation of a steel ball rolling around a track in a desert landscape. Hey, Keith, when I start looking to you to tell me what I should talk about tomorrow, I will start wearing ridiculous 1930s era gangster suits and pinstriping my hair.

Movies, food trends, notable deaths, vacation destinations, shoes, cars, purses, toys, Xbox games, hairstyles - you name it - we can find a list for it at year's end. A Top Ten list. A Top 100 list. A "Best" list. And it's all based on the musings of a panel of assholes emailing their suggestions to a bored editor, who compiles the submissions into a neat little list and then tells the readers what they should like or what they should've liked. It happens every December, but it's always worse at the end of a decade. I don't mind reading lists, just don't present them as the authority. It's a list of your favorites in a category.

I can't wait for January, when they start doing their Top Ten Predictions for the Year lists.

UPDATE: A commenter says I sound like Andy Rooney. Shit. I blame last night's tequila for making me a temporary curmudgeon today. And the beer. And the wine.

Land of the Spin, Home of the Talking Point

I don't know how they can even call it a debate anymore. It's beyond hopeless. If you're not disgusted, you're not paying attention. I need a long vacation away from my country. When I come back, I fully expect it will be worse.

Click for the larger, stealable version.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

Ben Affleck Shoots and Scores

I have been harsh toward Ben Affleck for injecting his face into politics, as if he had some sort of sway over the process or our opinions, but this guy nailed an impression last night on SNL, redeeming himself in the eye of many, I'm sure. He can bash his own side, and he does it very well. Why this guy doesn't stick to comedy and avoid the horrendous, shitty movies he keeps making, I don't know. If you've ever watched Keith Olbermann's "Countdown" on MSNBC, you'll love this send-up.

Fair and Balanced

I like to keep an ear to both sides of the politically biased reporting. I listen to right wing radio to and from work. (Finding a left wing radio show in this market is very hard unless you have XM.) I go to crazy leftist sites like Huffington Post and 23/6, and I check in on the equally partisan Red State, Free Republic and Town Hall. In the evening, I like to switch around and get a dose of Matthews and Olbermann along with Hannity and O'Reilly.

And of all the places I have the option to listen to or participate in, the ones that squawk the most about bias are the right wingers. Daily they decry the unbalanced reporting of "the mainstream media" and those who are "in the tank." They act as though they are broadcasting on pirate wavelengths or short wave. They have a siege mentality that belies their stated objectivity. They thrive on the "us against them" game. They are haters and dividers.

Sean Hannity just renewed a multi-million dollar, multi-year deal with Fox. Limbaugh did the same with his affiliates. Apparently, they have a huge audience. But if any of their fellow broadcasters or columnists dare to say a nice thing about the other side, they are instantly shunned and treated as traitors.

There are just as many right wing, utterly biased sources for news and commentary as there are left. Quit yer bitchin', ya big babies. If I want to hear people getting a thrill up their leg for Obama, I know where to go. If I want to hear a bunch of old limp dicks who suddenly got boners for Sarah Palin, I know where to find that as well.

There are two mediums in America now. They are equal. Give yourself some credit, right wingers. You built Fox and revived AM radio and now your people have a place to go if they want one-sided attack journalism. You ARE mainstream. To act as though you are "outsiders" is disingenuous at best.

If I want truly non-partisan, fair and balanced coverage, I know where to go: CSPAN.

And Now, A National Snapshot

I've noticed that the talking heads and political pundits are multiplying on TV. There are a dozen on every news show, and they all parrot each other. I've watched enough that I think I now qualify as a talking head and political pundit on TV.

My turn:

• Blacks who voted for Clinton in 92 or 96 and who attend church favor Obama by 90%.
• Blacks who voted for Bush in 92 or Dole in 96 and don’t attend church are really hard to find, but they favor Obama by 90%.
• Blacks who think Obama was uncool toward his pastor and is acting out of political expediency support Obama by 90%.
• Blacks who think Bill Clinton was “the first black president” support Obama by 90%.
• Blacks who think Hillary Clinton’s use of a John Mellencamp song as her stump speech background music is really stupid support Obama by 90%.
• Whites who secretly hate black people support Clinton by 51%.
• Whites who want us to “move beyond discussions of race” are obviously white.
• Blue collar, rural whites are perplexed that every four years people act like they care about them.
• Republicans are voting for McCain, even though they don’t like him.
• Conservative evangelicals feel neglected this year. McCain will win them in the end on a single issue.
• White, rural, college-educated, female, lesbian, blue collar Christians are just really interesting, independent and very hard to pin down. I think they are the key swing voters this year.
  

Super Tuesday Drinking Game

If you participate in this game, it'd be a good idea to make sure you can take Wednesday off.

Tune your TV to MSNBC and do a shot every time:

McCain says “Follow Bin Laden to the gates of hell”

Obama says “They’ve gone through my kindergarten papers”

Huckabee says “I’m in this to the end”

Romney says “People are starting to understand”

Clinton points, cackles or says “Experience”

Chris Matthews does his double honk laugh

Olbermann does his sarcastic stare

The Difference Between You and Keith Olbermann

...is that you are probably a decent, tolerable, tolerant person who doesn't pretend to walk on water, nor do you think you are the country's King Maker. Also, your hair is not pin-striped.

From Wikipedia: A pundit is someone who offers mass-media opinion, analysis or commentary on a particular subject area (most typically political analysis, the social sciences or sport), on which they are presumed to be knowledgeable. As the term has been increasingly applied to popular media personalities lacking special expertise, however, it can be used in a derogative manner. Pundit is also a slang term for politically biased people pretending to be neutral.

And for the last time, America, they're called punDITS, not punDINTS.

Pundits are nothing more than glorified bloggers who get paid. They also have whiter teeth. I recently heard Chris Matthews (hawking a book on CSPAN's "Book Notes") speak disparagingly of bloggers. He maintained that bloggers aren't bold like those in his profession, who are out there in the trenches doing battle face-to-face with people they oppose. He suggested that bloggers can hide in anonymity and toss bombs while pundits might run into their victims in the corridors of power and therefore have an obligation to maintain civility in their criticisms. Which I guess is why they say things like, "My good friend Senator Jones is a big, fat lying sack of crap."

The comments section has always been open here, Chris - you glorified blogger.

And the pundits have proven they don't know any more than bloggers this year.

Surveys Show That Polls Are Stupid

We can't get through a day here in the US without a new poll suggesting which of the candidates is one point in front of the other. And from there, the poll results become news for two days with all the talking heads interviewing one another, asking, "What do you think it means? Did Romney's speech help him, hurt him? Is Huckabee a criminal loving rapist enabler? Is the Oprah factor hurting Hillary?" And the talking heads are trying to be Kingmakers, influencing the stories to benefit whichever candidate they like at the moment. I want to put Sean Hannity, Ariana Huffington, Keith Olbermann, Chris Matthews and Rush Limbaugh in a small locked room with no windows. And come back and check on them in a month.

Here's all you have to do to get a gauge of how Americans are thinking. (At least those who use YouTube.) Type a candidate's name in the search field and then type another. I just did this. My survey says that 4 out of 5 Americans view Hillary Clinton negatively. The same survey showed 4 out of 5 Americans view Barack Obama positively.

There. Done.