Suck In Your Cheeks More, Daniel

Pouty male model is not a good look for a suave spy. Or maybe you're just Daniel Craig for this ad, Hollywood A-lister who happens to sport an Omega? That can't be, because your movie is part of the ad. So you're in character for the ad. Or maybe Daniel Craig as James Bond always looks like this? Holy crap! He does!

(And it's not a "watch," peasants, it's a timepiece, or better yet, a chronograph.)

There were many Bonds before you, Danny Boy. Keep that in mind.

An Epic of Epic Epicness

I like that line, but I feel like we're living in a new Studio Age, like the old ones from the olden times, when guys like Jerry Lewis made movie after movie after movie and none of them were any different from the rest. Or Elvis for that matter. Cheap schlock thrown together to make money. And usually quite funny, I must admit. The new stuff. Not Lewis or Elvis.

The new Brat Pack, or Pothead Pack, or Pack of Punks or whatever they've been dubbed is everywhere with a new movie every third Thursday. Apatow, Will Ferrell, that other guy. You know, the one trying to make movies like Apatow or Ferrell? And they have a rotating group of stable boys. And in this one, Jason Schwartzman will play a dick, like he does in every movie he's in. And Steve Carrell will play a schmuck. And Paul Rudd will play a weasel who wants to be good. And that tall goofy guy from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" will play a tall goofy guy.

Now here comes Michael Cera in another role that only Michael Cera could play, because the two chubby Apotow staples were busy,  you know, the two fat cutesy pothead boys who say foul things and it's funny, and one of them lost weight and they made fun of that in an inside joke in that one movie that also had Adam Sandler in it? The one about the funny boys? HAHAHAHAHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasplat.

But when you need over-the-top ineptness when it comes to being a confident lady's man, you need Michael Cera, who will execute his duties in this film with stunning accuracy to his previously similar roles.

One of THOSE Movies

Before the reviews are in, I can already write the blurbs for the upcoming full-page ads.

"Jeff Bridges turns in the performance of a lifetime."
- Sycophant Critic, Major Publication

"Jeff Bridges was born for this role."
- Unknown Climber, Unknown FOX Affiliate

"Robert Duvall was born to play Jeff Bridges' dad."
- Some Loser, Robert Duvall Fan Club

"Roll out the red carpet! I smell Oscars!"
- Drooling Fanboy, Entertainment Blog

It's got everything: washed-up country singer, tough single mom reporter, Robert Duvall, and a story likely to warm your cold heart. Only thing is that I saw it already. It was called "Tender Mercies," starring Robert Duvall.



But all the snark and cynicism aside, I will likely rent it.

The Day The Theater Was Sold Out

Christmas used to be a great day to go to the movies, as you and a handful of people didn't have to suffer lines or sell-outs. You could stroll up to the box office three minutes before show time and still get a prime seat. Not so anymore. Movies get released on Christmas day and people have turned what was a secret Jewish custom into a national event. I know the Jews must be pissed at the Gentiles for co-opting their Christmas tradition.

But we were torn yesterday. Nothing really jumped out at us.

There was the new Brad Pitt movie, which looked OK, but we didn't feel like sitting through three solid hours of Pitt being pretty. Eventually, maybe when the crowds die down, we will see what all the hype is about.

There was Brad Pitt's ex-wife's new movie, in which she stars with that idiot Owen dude. Aniston is sure to play a lovable if slightly ditzy hot chick, while Owen is sure to play a lovable, if slightly ditzy, laid-back surfer type. There's also a dog. Cute. Not happening. Not even on DVD or HBO.

There was Brad Pitt's ex-wife's ex-boyfriend Vince Vaughn in a throwaway Christmas feel-good festival. I wish to meet Vince Vaughn some dark night in a drunken alley knife fight.

Will Smith's new offering seemed a little weird, all about organ donation. Not your average holiday fare, so we declined on that.

Actor du jour Philip Seymour Hoffman stars opposite Meryl Streep in a movie about a priest who might be molesting boys. Sounds like fun - when I am stranded on a desert island and a rescue package arrives and the only thing in it is a battery powered DVD player and that movie.

There were various animated things, crap movies from Sandler and Carey, both of whom have worn out their welcome playing the same guy all the time (France - you want these guys?) that vampire movie for tween girls, and Keanu Reeves playing himself in a remake of the classic The Day The Earth Stood Still.

So, much to my horror, we agreed on Tom Cruise's new film, in which he plays Tom Cruise trying to act like a Nazi officer. I was sure he would strut about in Tom Cruise fashion, being all Tom Cruisey, urgent and badly trying to convey earnestness.

Sold out. I was not really disappointed.

So we saw Keanu, in IMAX, and it was a good mindless romp in that campy old sci-fi style in which every military or government type is hyper-dogmatic and cardboard. Reeves did not even bother me in this role, because it was made for his limited skills as an actor. Kathy Bates is the Secretary of Defense, and clearly modeled her performance on Hillary Clinton. The heavy-handed "You're killing the planet so we have to kill you" message was groan-inspiring and I half expected Al Gore to make a cameo. John Cleese did make a cameo, which is always nice. And for anyone who is not a fan of the New York Giants, the destruction of Giants stadium is awesome, but I'm sure it's pure sacrilege worthy of a fatwa in certain areas of the northeast.

I Will Watch This One Day

Yesterday the agenda at Casa de Jetpacks consisted mainly of getting caught up on movie-watching. (We'll do the big feast thing tonight.) Among them, Bourne Ultimatum, Oceans 13, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and an oldie (1995) I hadn't seen yet, To Die For, starring Nicole Kidman as herself. Unless a film requires viewing on the big screen, like the upcoming The Day The Earth Stood Still, starring Keanu Reeves as himself, it's On Demand around here.

I have become a huge fan of this newer, improved Frat Pack that eclipses the old Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller gang. They are putting out comedies at an astonishing rate that are pretty good films. (Vaughn is in yet another Christmas movie that looks horrendous, playing himself.) The group includes a couple of crossovers from the old gang, like Will Ferrell and Paul Rudd. And while you can tell this film below is going to follow the formulaic "inappropriate humor delivered by guys who refuse to grow up ending in a life lesson about doing the right thing" template, you can also tell that it will deliver the funny.

My Review of The Dark Knight*

What a waste of money. What a total suckfest. What pure, over-hyped crap. Perfect example of the marketing getting way ahead of the deliverable. Horrible acting. Unimaginative script. Lame cinematography. Stupid special effects. Id' have had a better time watching my grass grow. Heath Ledger blows. Christian Bale needs a new job flipping burgers at Wendy's. Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine and the rest of the supporting cast were phoning it in. Don't waste your time.


*Disclaimer: Today is Opposite Day. (I'm such a Joker.) And if Heath Ledger wins a posthumous Academy Award for his performance, it won't be out of sympathy that it was awarded to him. The guy finished his career in style.

Straight to DVD - And Otherwise

Who needs film critics? You can tell what's gonna suck just by the trailers.

To his artistic credit, Nicholas Cage didn't want to use his real name, Coppola, when trying to break into film. His early roles, such as 1983's Valley Girl were great, understated slacker performances. He made Raising Arizona. He's had a few good roles since then when sticking to the mouth-breathing, goof-ball stuff he does best. But Cage as action hero, or in this case, hired assassin, doesn't work. If he keeps this up, he will become a self-mocking joke very soon. Get ready for Bangkok Dangerous, a movie that looks shockingly horrible. I think this is Cage trying to prove he has "range." Uh, Nick...you don't. And who titled this pic? Bargain Bin at Blockbuster in no time.



I used to live in Springfield, Missouri, Brad Pitt's hometown. Everyone there who is around Pitt's age has a Pitt story. ("I bloodied his nose in basketball." "He was my lab partner in Chemistry. I carried him.") When he returns for the Holidays, there's a media bloodsport of trying to catch him eating downtown or driving from the airport. His brother's computer business is thriving because...well, because he's Brad Pitt's brother. But the guy has range. He spent too much time in the Ocean's franchise, and he is now paired with Clooney again, only this time in a Coen brothers film and in a role that looks like it might be his best comedic work since Twelve Monkeys.

Seven Other Places

Here are seven other places on the Internet you could be right now.

1. Every Presidential campaign logo since 1960. (Page might take some time to load.)
2. It's an animated chimp movie, with jetpacks! (With Amtrak as a sponsor? Sure to suck.)
3. Huge in Brazil, ancient Canadian power trio Rush. Their fans down there even sing to the instrumentals.
4. Meatwater. (Thanks, Fish & Chimps.)
5. The Obama worship has officially gone too far.
6. Passionate-White-person-teaches-inner-city-youth-to-shine.
7. A cool design firm wants you to work for them. You'll have to move to Jordan.

Director Gets Lazy, Needs Your Help

Zack Snyder, Director of the upcoming film WATCHMEN is offering you the opportunity to create "Veidt Enterprises" TV commercials that COULD end up in the feature film scheduled to be released in theaters on March 6, 2009.

Veidt is a fictitious company that is part of the storyline of the movie which is based on a comic book series. Veidt is involved in everything from shoes to cologne to airlines. Here's a "sample" commercial that sucks out loud.



Here's Zack to tell you all about it.



And here is the mini-site with rules and other such info.

Unless I missed something, there's no promise of cash or prizes. Just a chance for your lame effort to be in a movie. You're about to be used for your user generated content.

Drama-rama

I did some time in theatre when I was younger. (Enough time that I adopted the English spelling of the word "theatre," which my American spell-checker underlines in red as misspelled.) I even got to do some Shakespeare in San Diego's Junior Theatre in Balboa Park. Shakespeare was cool, if a little overrated. (I'm kidding! He's not THAT overrated.) I like to think that I was pretty good at the acting game, which helped when I went into radio and TV voiceover. I eventually decided theatre was not for me, as it was so filled with...a bunch of self-absorbed dramatic idiots who were so full of...DRAMA!

Prediction: this forthcoming film, Hamlet 2, will be a huge hit, coming from (one of) the writer(s) who brought us one of the funniest movies ever made, Team America: World Police. If not a huge hit, at least a cult hit. If not a cult hit, at least a flash in the pan. If not a flash in the pan, at least something teenagers rent when they're stoned.

Bathroom Humor - It's Not Just for Kids Anymore

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