My Review of The Dark Knight*

What a waste of money. What a total suckfest. What pure, over-hyped crap. Perfect example of the marketing getting way ahead of the deliverable. Horrible acting. Unimaginative script. Lame cinematography. Stupid special effects. Id' have had a better time watching my grass grow. Heath Ledger blows. Christian Bale needs a new job flipping burgers at Wendy's. Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine and the rest of the supporting cast were phoning it in. Don't waste your time.


*Disclaimer: Today is Opposite Day. (I'm such a Joker.) And if Heath Ledger wins a posthumous Academy Award for his performance, it won't be out of sympathy that it was awarded to him. The guy finished his career in style.

The Bucket List Sucks

At least that's what all the critics are saying. I could've told you that without seeing it.

Premise: Two old guys have terminal illnesses and go off on a world tour to do things they want to do before they kick the bucket.

Starring: Two overrated old actors.

Lemme Guess: Jack Nicholson plays a grizzled smartass who thinks he's a ladies man? And Morgan Freeman plays a wise old soul who teaches the rich, shallow man a thing or two about life? And Morgan Freeman will do a voiceover to help the crappy script along? Will madcap highjinx ensue? Will there be black/white bonding, life lessons, attempts to jerk tears?

And here's Morgan Freeman before he made it big, in an ad for Listerine, using as its unique selling proposition, "It tastes like hell, so it must be good."



There are more "Before they made it big" ads featuring other actors over at Cracked Magazine.

The Ice Age Is Coming

The Sun's Zooming In....

Audience polling must've shown that Al Gore's Scary Movie was a little too preachy and heavy, with Professor Gore lecturing us in his doomy yet droning way about global warming.

Hollywood will take another route this summer: Family Comedy Feel Good Chuckle Fest. Partnering with The Conservation Fund, the new film Evan Almighty will use Steve Carrell (of The Office fame - although all the promo materials list his most well-known work as 40 Year Old Virgin) to advance the theme of "going zero." This propaganda piece is not so much a sequel to Bruce Almighty as it is a spin-off of that much funnier film. According to director Tom Shadyac, this will be the most expensive comedy ever made.

Here's what happens: God (Morgan Freeman) tells Evan to build an Ark, because, you see, a flood is coming. Evan becomes a modern day Noah. The trailers only let you in on that much, but I'm going to guess that God or Evan (or both) make longwinded monologues at the end about taking care of the planet and planting trees. Watch the trailer and count how many times you laugh.

There's a site that teams the film and The Conservation Fund up called Get On Board Now.

I know it's PC and fashionable to be part of this movement. It has become all-pervasive. You can't escape the guilt train. So I turn off unused appliances. I don't drive a Hummer. We don't use paper plates that often. We recycle our newspapers, sometimes even our plastic and glass. And I know Europeans have, like, 90 separate recycle bins per household. But let's say the world's attention stops focusing on the US after we are all forced to buy cars that get 50 miles to the gallon and air pollution is minimized. Who's gonna start enforcing clean air standards in Russia and China?