Clash of The Critics

No matter what movie you decide to see, some critics will love it and some will hate it. I saw Clash of the Titans a couple days ago at the supercheap theatre, you know the one, where films not yet on DVD but not in real theatres anymore are playing, where it only costs a dollar to get in and the refreshments aren't outrageously priced and the place is not so clean and maybe some of the theatres are having trouble with their air-conditioning and so maybe there's an ugly scratch in the film that persists throughout the whole duration, but hey, you paid a buck for a movie so what are you complaining about?

I generally rely on Rotten Tomatoes to give a good and widespread assessment of a movie before I go see it or rent it On Demand. I didn't this time. And I'm glad, 'cause at a 33% favorable rating, I might've missed some mindless summer afternoon fun. Definitely not Oscar-caliber, but what do you expect from a movie based on a movie from 1981?

Here's that snob Peter Travers from Rolling Stone:

"The film is a sham, with good actors going for the paycheck and using beards and heavy makeup to hide their shame."

But then here's Colin Covert of the Minneapolis Star Tribune:

"At the moment when Sam Worthington, trapped inside a giant scorpion, sword-hacked his way through the dorsal carapace and poked the upper half of his body through the opening as if it were a sunroof, I fell in love with Clash of the Titans."

Have you ever read a terrible review of your favorite band's new album and wanted to punch the critic in the face? Or saw a nasty write-up of one of your favorite restaurants by some nose-in-the-air food critic? The critics aren't right, they're just being critics. But sadly, they can doom a play, new CD, movie or dining establishment with a hastily slammed-out screed.  

It's fun to ignore the critics one in a while and just go have fun.

You're Tearing Me Apart, Lisa

Having no hipster credentials, I am only now, this minute, discovering The Room, bad cinema at it's baddest. So bad it's a cult hit. So bad they have monthly screenings in LA that are attended in Rocky Horror fashion. So bad even the voiceover for the trailer is laughable. So bad that the creator now says "I meant to do that." (And altered the trailer at the end to indicate that his movie is a "black comedy.")

It's kind of sad, really, that a guy set out to create something giant, seeking to emulate his hero Tennessee Williams, and his work is now famous for it's awfulness. I hope he finally sees some profit for all his pain. This is what the incredibly narcissistic writer, director, producer and star did for $6 million.



A thorough history of The Room is written by Scott Tobias at The Onion's AV Club. Beyond that is a piece at Entertainment Weekly, in which all the cool kid comedians have a laugh at the movie, including Paul Rudd, comedian du jour, no stranger to truly awful cinema.

Bring The Funny

Larger

UPDATE: Martin actually was funny. If only he would stick to sketch comedy, music or stand-up and leave the Jerry Lewis-styled movies alone. Bad plastic surgery forgiven, Steve.

Also of note: MacGruber/Pepsi. Pure genius advertising for the SNL-watching culture. Completelty self-aware and self-mocking, Pepsi and SNL teamed-up for the most shameless and hilarious commercials ever. When I can find the clip, I'll post it. Starring Will Forte in his usual role as the MacGyver knockoff. Extra touch of brilliance: also starring the real MacGyver, Richard Dean Anderson.

The Day The Theater Was Sold Out

Christmas used to be a great day to go to the movies, as you and a handful of people didn't have to suffer lines or sell-outs. You could stroll up to the box office three minutes before show time and still get a prime seat. Not so anymore. Movies get released on Christmas day and people have turned what was a secret Jewish custom into a national event. I know the Jews must be pissed at the Gentiles for co-opting their Christmas tradition.

But we were torn yesterday. Nothing really jumped out at us.

There was the new Brad Pitt movie, which looked OK, but we didn't feel like sitting through three solid hours of Pitt being pretty. Eventually, maybe when the crowds die down, we will see what all the hype is about.

There was Brad Pitt's ex-wife's new movie, in which she stars with that idiot Owen dude. Aniston is sure to play a lovable if slightly ditzy hot chick, while Owen is sure to play a lovable, if slightly ditzy, laid-back surfer type. There's also a dog. Cute. Not happening. Not even on DVD or HBO.

There was Brad Pitt's ex-wife's ex-boyfriend Vince Vaughn in a throwaway Christmas feel-good festival. I wish to meet Vince Vaughn some dark night in a drunken alley knife fight.

Will Smith's new offering seemed a little weird, all about organ donation. Not your average holiday fare, so we declined on that.

Actor du jour Philip Seymour Hoffman stars opposite Meryl Streep in a movie about a priest who might be molesting boys. Sounds like fun - when I am stranded on a desert island and a rescue package arrives and the only thing in it is a battery powered DVD player and that movie.

There were various animated things, crap movies from Sandler and Carey, both of whom have worn out their welcome playing the same guy all the time (France - you want these guys?) that vampire movie for tween girls, and Keanu Reeves playing himself in a remake of the classic The Day The Earth Stood Still.

So, much to my horror, we agreed on Tom Cruise's new film, in which he plays Tom Cruise trying to act like a Nazi officer. I was sure he would strut about in Tom Cruise fashion, being all Tom Cruisey, urgent and badly trying to convey earnestness.

Sold out. I was not really disappointed.

So we saw Keanu, in IMAX, and it was a good mindless romp in that campy old sci-fi style in which every military or government type is hyper-dogmatic and cardboard. Reeves did not even bother me in this role, because it was made for his limited skills as an actor. Kathy Bates is the Secretary of Defense, and clearly modeled her performance on Hillary Clinton. The heavy-handed "You're killing the planet so we have to kill you" message was groan-inspiring and I half expected Al Gore to make a cameo. John Cleese did make a cameo, which is always nice. And for anyone who is not a fan of the New York Giants, the destruction of Giants stadium is awesome, but I'm sure it's pure sacrilege worthy of a fatwa in certain areas of the northeast.

Jeff Foxworthy, What Hath Thou Wrought?

The title of the movie is a play on words, so is the movie's tagline. It stars Larry the Cable Guy, whose shtick got old back....wait - it was always old. (Larry is from these parts. He's like a local hero. Carrot Top is from around here, too. He's like a scary dude you knew in high school who got all ripped on 'roids and then stretched his face to look like a REAL clown.)

And in case you didn't get the "joke," at the bottom (HA! BOTTOM!) the creators of this ad oh-so-slyly and ever-so-slightly increased the tracking between "ASS" and "ETS."

A-HAHAHA!

Also starring Jenny McCarthy as Britney Spears.

The Bucket List Sucks

At least that's what all the critics are saying. I could've told you that without seeing it.

Premise: Two old guys have terminal illnesses and go off on a world tour to do things they want to do before they kick the bucket.

Starring: Two overrated old actors.

Lemme Guess: Jack Nicholson plays a grizzled smartass who thinks he's a ladies man? And Morgan Freeman plays a wise old soul who teaches the rich, shallow man a thing or two about life? And Morgan Freeman will do a voiceover to help the crappy script along? Will madcap highjinx ensue? Will there be black/white bonding, life lessons, attempts to jerk tears?

And here's Morgan Freeman before he made it big, in an ad for Listerine, using as its unique selling proposition, "It tastes like hell, so it must be good."



There are more "Before they made it big" ads featuring other actors over at Cracked Magazine.