Clash of The Critics

No matter what movie you decide to see, some critics will love it and some will hate it. I saw Clash of the Titans a couple days ago at the supercheap theatre, you know the one, where films not yet on DVD but not in real theatres anymore are playing, where it only costs a dollar to get in and the refreshments aren't outrageously priced and the place is not so clean and maybe some of the theatres are having trouble with their air-conditioning and so maybe there's an ugly scratch in the film that persists throughout the whole duration, but hey, you paid a buck for a movie so what are you complaining about?

I generally rely on Rotten Tomatoes to give a good and widespread assessment of a movie before I go see it or rent it On Demand. I didn't this time. And I'm glad, 'cause at a 33% favorable rating, I might've missed some mindless summer afternoon fun. Definitely not Oscar-caliber, but what do you expect from a movie based on a movie from 1981?

Here's that snob Peter Travers from Rolling Stone:

"The film is a sham, with good actors going for the paycheck and using beards and heavy makeup to hide their shame."

But then here's Colin Covert of the Minneapolis Star Tribune:

"At the moment when Sam Worthington, trapped inside a giant scorpion, sword-hacked his way through the dorsal carapace and poked the upper half of his body through the opening as if it were a sunroof, I fell in love with Clash of the Titans."

Have you ever read a terrible review of your favorite band's new album and wanted to punch the critic in the face? Or saw a nasty write-up of one of your favorite restaurants by some nose-in-the-air food critic? The critics aren't right, they're just being critics. But sadly, they can doom a play, new CD, movie or dining establishment with a hastily slammed-out screed.  

It's fun to ignore the critics one in a while and just go have fun.

One of THOSE Movies

Before the reviews are in, I can already write the blurbs for the upcoming full-page ads.

"Jeff Bridges turns in the performance of a lifetime."
- Sycophant Critic, Major Publication

"Jeff Bridges was born for this role."
- Unknown Climber, Unknown FOX Affiliate

"Robert Duvall was born to play Jeff Bridges' dad."
- Some Loser, Robert Duvall Fan Club

"Roll out the red carpet! I smell Oscars!"
- Drooling Fanboy, Entertainment Blog

It's got everything: washed-up country singer, tough single mom reporter, Robert Duvall, and a story likely to warm your cold heart. Only thing is that I saw it already. It was called "Tender Mercies," starring Robert Duvall.



But all the snark and cynicism aside, I will likely rent it.

Taken (for an Implausible Ride)

Sometimes you just want to see a movie. And sometimes the showtimes and your schedule only allow you to see one of two. You don't want to see some throwaway Steve Martin crap, so you go with Liam Neeson. He used to be a Jedi Knight, so it should be OK.

A few things wrong with the Liam Neeson film "Taken."

• Overt attempts to fan racial hatred. I now look at all Albanians with deep suspicion. And French people. And anyone who has the word "Sheik" in front of their name.
• The girl playing Neeson's daughter. She is supposed to be 17, but bounces around like a 6-year old in every scene, spastic, uncoordinated and way overdoing the "Daddy's little girl" thing.
• Mr. Neeson's hair. It is that odd mixture of chocolate and rust that is not found in nature. Why is it that men, even rich men with professional hair and make-up artists, can't get a good dye-job? At one point in the film, Liam's temples are grey, then they go back to Hershey's Special Dark in the next scene.
• The idea that two 17-year-old girls are going to follow U2 around Europe for a summer is so ridiculous it is laughable. U2? Seriously? Does ANY 17-year old girl give two shits about U2? I'll bet the teenage daughters of the members of U2 don't even listen to U2.
• The car chases and fight scenes are shot in that super-close, rapid-cut, blurred-out way that makes the action impossible to follow. All the director wants you to understand is that Liam is kicking asses and they were on a tight budget.
• Mr. Neeson's endless supply of costumes, fake IDs, weapons and whatnot is very extensive for a guy who packed some cash and a passport as he raced out of his dingy and sad divorced dad apartment in LA.
• After dispatching everyone on the Sheik's luxury barge at the end, Liam and his daughter reunite in a teary, touching embrace as the pilotless barge continues to sail smoothly down the Seine.
  

I won't give away the ending, but OK, I just did. Here's more wrap-up: As you now know, Neeson gets his daughter back from the evil slave-trading Albanians and earns the respect and gratitude of his hateful ex-wife who married some rich dick who owns all kinds of stuff. He also takes his daughter (who wants to be a singer) to meet "Sheerah," a pop diva whom Liam rescued early in the film from some knife-wielding psycho backstage. You see, Liam was hired by his old CIA pals to provide security, even though Sheerah already had her own Uzi-wielding security force.

"Taken" - Coming to DVD by the end of the week.

I Will Watch This One Day

Yesterday the agenda at Casa de Jetpacks consisted mainly of getting caught up on movie-watching. (We'll do the big feast thing tonight.) Among them, Bourne Ultimatum, Oceans 13, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and an oldie (1995) I hadn't seen yet, To Die For, starring Nicole Kidman as herself. Unless a film requires viewing on the big screen, like the upcoming The Day The Earth Stood Still, starring Keanu Reeves as himself, it's On Demand around here.

I have become a huge fan of this newer, improved Frat Pack that eclipses the old Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller gang. They are putting out comedies at an astonishing rate that are pretty good films. (Vaughn is in yet another Christmas movie that looks horrendous, playing himself.) The group includes a couple of crossovers from the old gang, like Will Ferrell and Paul Rudd. And while you can tell this film below is going to follow the formulaic "inappropriate humor delivered by guys who refuse to grow up ending in a life lesson about doing the right thing" template, you can also tell that it will deliver the funny.

Straight to DVD - And Otherwise

Who needs film critics? You can tell what's gonna suck just by the trailers.

To his artistic credit, Nicholas Cage didn't want to use his real name, Coppola, when trying to break into film. His early roles, such as 1983's Valley Girl were great, understated slacker performances. He made Raising Arizona. He's had a few good roles since then when sticking to the mouth-breathing, goof-ball stuff he does best. But Cage as action hero, or in this case, hired assassin, doesn't work. If he keeps this up, he will become a self-mocking joke very soon. Get ready for Bangkok Dangerous, a movie that looks shockingly horrible. I think this is Cage trying to prove he has "range." Uh, Nick...you don't. And who titled this pic? Bargain Bin at Blockbuster in no time.



I used to live in Springfield, Missouri, Brad Pitt's hometown. Everyone there who is around Pitt's age has a Pitt story. ("I bloodied his nose in basketball." "He was my lab partner in Chemistry. I carried him.") When he returns for the Holidays, there's a media bloodsport of trying to catch him eating downtown or driving from the airport. His brother's computer business is thriving because...well, because he's Brad Pitt's brother. But the guy has range. He spent too much time in the Ocean's franchise, and he is now paired with Clooney again, only this time in a Coen brothers film and in a role that looks like it might be his best comedic work since Twelve Monkeys.